So you’re at the gym, pumping iron as per usual (looking good by the way) when you look in the gym mirror and notice your face is looking a little soft. WHAT!? This is unacceptable. Japan! Get on this – get me some exercise equipment to whip my face into shape. What? You already have some products specifically designed for this purpose? Well, how convenient. Japan, you really do have everything I could ever need, don’t you?
It’s Time to Get your Face Flex On
These following products seem to be mostly marketed towards women, but anyone is free to use them and reap their (potential) benefits. We’ve got contraptions to straighten out that pesky nose of yours, get rid of those bags under your eyes, unwrinkle your rapidly wrinkling chin, and even slim down the whole entirety of your face.
But is it fair? Is it really so easy to just cheat nature and aging like this? Well, we currently lack the scientific backing on these products to let us know exactly how reliable their claims are, so your guess is as good as mine. But here’s hoping, right?
The Hana Tsun Nose Straightener
Is your nose crooked? Too curvy? Does it contain too much money? Well, you can throw some of that extra cash at the Hana Tsun Nose Straightener because it promises to solve all your worldly woes, nose related or otherwise.
You jam this contraption up your nose for a mere 20 minutes per day and BAM – you’re a supermodel. This fashionable nose machine will forcibly alter the bone structure of your face, giving you that sharp graceful nose that’s straight as an arrow. Just like you always wanted! Even better, you can experience this phenomenon for only $48. What a deal!
And if that’s not enough, there’s also this fancy deluxe electronic version for only $20 more. It’s like putting alien technology on your face.
The Eye Slack Haruka
Are you not getting enough sleep? You look like you’re not getting enough sleep. Why? Well, it’s those humongous bags under your eyes – they’re a dead giveaway that you need another Japanese gadget in your life! Allow me to introduce you to the Eye Slack Haruka – a pretty pink machine with two settings that will shake your face into believing it’s at least 3 years younger.
Slap these babies on your face for just 20 minutes a day and you’ll be the talk of the town. There are two settings to choose from. “Soft” (also known as worthless baby mode) and “Hard”, the only mode worth using. If you’re not going hard, you might as well not be going at all. The product vibrates, uses electric muscle stimulation, and employs the use of gentle micro-currents. With futuristic tech like this, it’s no wonder the thing costs a whopping $98. But it’s worth it, I’m sure.
The Eyelid Trainer
After you’ve rid yourself of those pesky bags, what else can you do to your eyes? Well, if you don’t have that eyelid fold that you want, you can make use of the handy dandy Eyelid Trainer. Not only does it make you look awesome while wearing it, it also promises to give you that double eyelid you always wanted but never actually had. Unless of course you already have a double eyelid. Which, in that case, I guess this eye wear will make it more defined? Or something? Yeah, probably – let’s go with that.
Just 5 minutes a day with this baby will give you those eyelids you always dreamed of. For like, 5 minutes after you take off the glasses – or longer! Perhaps. Anyway, what else are you gonna do about your eyelids that are just fine the way they already are? Plastic surgery? Hell no! That’s expensive. And these glasses can be yours for just $25. The choice is clear.
The Rhythm Slim Chin Exerciser
Have you ever found yourself wondering how you could possibly exercise your jaw, neck, and chin muscles – all while easing cramps, fighting off wrinkles, and reversing global warming? Well wonder no more! The Rhythm Slim Chin Exerciser promises to do most, if not all of the aforementioned things.
Just stick this thing under your chin and hold it down for about 3 minutes each day. In no time at all, you’ll start to see changes (maybe). You should see your chin become the most beautiful thing in all of human creation. Who doesn’t want that? And it can be yours for about $84. Nice.
The Face Slimmer Mouthpiece
This may look like a silly toy. But it is much, much more than just a silly looking pair of fake lips. It’s a silly looking pair of fake lips that promises to slim your face.
The manufacturers recommend using the mouthpiece for about three minutes every day. They advise you to scream out Japanese vowels as loud as you can while wearing the mouthpiece in a crowded public place for maximum results. Public humiliation is a great motivator. Factor that in with the fact that this mouthpiece can be yours for the low price of $60 and you’ve got yourself a deal.
Or if that’s too much, you can try a cheaper, but similar product for only $30. It doesn’t look like a mouth though, so it’s definitely not as cool.
OR! You could really step it up because you just cannot put a price on beauty. There are also electronic varieties for about $78, but as we all know, higher cost means higher quality. Right?
The Kogao! Smile Lines Face Belt
Here’s another great way to tighten up and infuse your face with that youthful vigor you haven’t had in years. It’s the Kogao! Smile Lines Face Belt! Wow! Strap this thing on your face and you’ll look like a teenager again in no time. If you already are a teenager, this face belt will turn you into a baby.
I’m not sure how long you’re supposed to wear this thing, but the manufacturers say it’s great to use while you’re in the bath. It traps heat within the belt which is said to relax away those pesky face lines you’ve got goin’ on. So it sounds like they’re recommending people use it for about 30 minutes each day, but I say that’s not nearly enough. Wear it all day and let everyone know that you are most definitely getting your $32 worth.
They also have similar products for men. This sauna mask right here is a steal at only $60. It promises to make your face very uncomfortable with heat and sweat. As we all know, heat and sweat makes things smaller, so after wearing this mask your face will be as cute as a button. A manly button, that is.
Shake It, Don’t Break It
And I’m sure you know that Japan isn’t the only country guilty of having strange and unusual exercise equipment – just take a look at America’s very own Shake Weight.
If you combine all of these Japanese facial beauty products, you can expect to lose 1-2 hours of time every day. So, while you’re making yourself look younger, time is running away while you sit idly by. Maybe you can watch a new Japanese drama or something while you’re slimming that neck of yours.
So, which one of these goofy contraptions was your favorite? Think any of them might actually work? I found all these on Japan Trend Shop under “beauty products” and there’s a whole lot more listed there if you want to check them out. Plenty of them will give you a good laugh, I’m sure.