As I jumped into my time travel device yesterday (or was it tomorrow, this time travel thing really muddles with your brain), I remember going through my list of potential jumps thinking that too many of them were in the past. All of them, actually. Battle of Sekigahara? Too many arrows. The arrival of Perry and his black ships? Check. Done. Badaboom. The Mongols being wiped out by the Kamikaze? A breeze. Stephen’s party? I had to pass on that one, too many things to do, and had nothing to do with Japan or the Japanese language.

I figured it was time to jump in my time machine and travel to the future instead. Sure, there are still opportunities to change said future and alter what it was I saw, but in general I don’t see a lot changing due to my actions. No, I wanted to continue the theme of Japanese baseball posts just for one more week. That’s why I decided to travel to the future to learn what happened to this great American Japanese pastime. I’d like to present to you the future of Japanese baseball, as it stands today, so long as none of you muck it up and cause our line to jump to another reality. Butterflies will just need to stop flapping their wings, please.

A Major Move To The MLB (2013-)

It’s 2013 (this year!). The big story is Yu Darvish, the Japanese pitcher from Japan who made his MLB debut in 2012. After a strong first season, it’s his second season that really wows the MLB. After going 21-4 for the Texas Rangers with 6 complete games, 204 strikeouts, and and one no-hitter, he wins the first of two career Cy Young Award just beating out Justin Verlander and Felix Hernandez, who come in second and third respectively.

Our illustrator loves Yu

But this is just the start of things. I won’t tell you who wins the World Series (boy is it a good one!), though there is one Japanese player who does particularly well. It will help to open the MLB’s mind (if it wasn’t already open) to pulling more Japanese players over stateside at a much higher rate. In order to stay competitive, MLB teams would draft Japanese players out of high school and college, getting them before they have a chance to sign with a team in Japan, thus circumventing the posting system and getting young Japanese talent in the majors early on. The Oakland Athletics do particularly well at this, and by 2017 six of twenty-five members of the roster are from Japan, an MLB record at the time (it is broken three years later by the Baltimore Orioles, who have 8 Japanese players on their roster).

Superstars will begin to make their way to America as well. Shouhei Otani, illustrated above (by our illustrator Aya in present time, which I think is 2013), comes to America in 2015. Originally he planned to come to America straight out of highschool, but intense pressures on him by Japanese teams, coaches, and his parents cause him to being the first few years of baseball in Japan. He grows to regret this decision and comes stateside, debuting with the Los Angeles Dodgers in the beginning of the 2015 season. The fireballer throws 100 mph and has a wicked splitter, going on to win the Rookie of the Year award as well as joining the limelight along with Darvish as well as Tomoyuki Sugano, who makes the jump to the majors a year later.

But this barely scratches the surface. More and more Japanese players move to America, and it happens earlier and earlier. As more Japanese baseball players get experience abroad they transmit the positive experiences to younger baseball stars in Japan. They become less reluctant to come to America, and soon a trickle turns into a landslide.

Sadaharu Oh No Someone Broke The Homerun Record (2019)

You may remember the past articles we wrote about Sadaharu Oh, and things haven’t changed much since then… well, except for how his home run record has been broken, with asterisks, however. In 1964 he banged out 55 home runs for the record. In 2017 a relatively unknown non-Japanese player would break the record with 59 home runs. In 2018 he would do it again, though an “accident” where he would fall down the stairs ended his promising (Japanese) career early. In 2019, a Japanese player would break the record much to the relief of many nationalist baseball fans.

Controversy would stir when the non-Japanese player that beat Sadaharu Oh’s record got an asterisk next to his name saying “non-Japanese player.” It angered both sides of the table. One side claimed it made Japanese baseball look weak. The other side just said it was racist and unnecessary. Either way, the Japanese seemed to work harder than ever before due to this which led to a Japanese player breaking the record with 60 home runs, hitting the last one on the last day of the season. To be fair, it was also in 2019 that they added five games to the season raising it from 144 games to 149 games.

The fact that a Japanese player could hit 60 home runs was no accident, though. Advances in training technology, diet, and baseball skill as a whole had increased rapidly during the last decade. Japanese baseball players were just becoming really good, on par with the rest of the baseball world (South America, Central America, and America-America).

Still, the MLB was the place to play baseball. All of this talent continued to move to Japan. Even the Japanese home run record holder came to the NY Yankees a year after knocking those 60 home runs. While he didn’t hit 60 home runs ever again in his career, he batted a career .279, averaged 30+ home runs a year, and made three All Star teams. He wouldn’t be the only one, either. The Japanese baseball league began to get worried about losing all their players, and rightly so.

A Closed Nippon Professional League (2020)

In 2020, the Nippon Professional League decides to close the doors to MLB teams trying to snipe their top talent. By this time, the NPL feels almost like another AAA league for the MLB. Japanese players train for a couple of years as “pro” players in the NPL or non-Japanese players come over to get some extra practice in before heading to the Bigs. The NPL is tired of this, and they implement the Foreign Transfer Act of 2020.

The Foreign Transfer Act states that “no player of Japanese descent will sign with a non-Japanese team for the first 10 years of his career.” While by law they could not technically keep any Japanese player from moving to the US to join an MLB team, there were steep penalties for those who did. Anyone who broke this rule would be banned, for life, from the NPL, and while this may not seem like a big deal if your goal is the Majors, it did put a lot of pressure on younger players. If they failed in the MLB, they had nowhere to go. Some players thought it better to join a Japanese team and have a safe job for those first ten years.

Japanese newspapers, who owned many of the Japanese teams at this time, highlighted the failed attempts at skipping the NPL to join the majors in their newspapers. Others would publish articles going over the negatives of baseball life in America. While the propaganda was strong, the Foreign Transfer Act of 2020 was abolished a year later in 2021 due to negative publicity as a whole.

It was clear that Japanese people wanted to see their Japanese players play in the MLB. TV ratings for the MLB in Japan continued to climb while the NPL games on TV declined.

Is That A Cyborg On First? (2036)

Fast forward 16 years later. The NPL is on a sharp decline with hardly the popularity it used to have. Many Japanese players go straight to the Majors (especially the good ones), and the NPL is diluted with mediocrity and MLB has-beens. As a baseball fan, this saddened me to see happen, but it’s all part of evolution. If you’re backed into a corner you have to make changes. Although it happened nearly by accident, the NPL discovered something that would change baseball around the world.

Keisuke Andoh, a first baseman for the Honda Hawks (Honda now owns the Hawks, thanks to the huge piles of money they got via forays in robot and cyborg technology), is the first baseball player to receive a cyborg implant. Partly because of the ownership, but mostly due to a career-ending crash at home plate in the previous season, Andoh and the team management bet on a new Honda technology to replace both of his knees with robotic implants. At the time, no rules were in place regarding machinery that would increase your speed or skill in baseball. By the time the NPL could come up with something Andoh was batting .455, got 193 stolen bases, and was an overnight Japanese star. Oh, and did I mention he was under contract with the Hawks for the next 10 years? Honda would milk this one out for as long as they could. Their new speedster wasn’t going anywhere.

Many other players were getting upset. Fans were getting upset too. But, as more people followed in Andoh’s footsteps, mostly with small improvements at first, popularity in Japanese baseball increased as well. Not only did it increase in Japan, but the rest of Asia and America as well. The NPL was on the up and up, and money came before purity, so the NPL let cyborgization continue.

The Cyborg Era (2037-2050)

There were some rules that had to come with cyborg enhancements, however. Otherwise things would be unfair.

• Arm-swing enhancements must remain under 100cc
• Running speeds must stay under 20mph (32kph)
• Jumping enhancements must not allow the player to jump more than 1 meter into the air.
• Throwing enhancements must remain under 200cc
• No more than one enhancement per player

Once the rules were in place, teams got to work. Being the leader in robotic technology, Honda had the distinct advantage, though the cyborg-augmentation draft, which allowed additional enhancements to the worst teams, helped even the playing field in 2042.

Popularity in Japanese baseball grew 10x in the same amount of years. America, which still believed in the purity of the sport, banned cyborgization altogether, no exceptions. This only fueled MLB players to come to Japan in greater numbers. Great players with season-ending injuries came to Japan. Young players came to Japan. Everyone wanted to play baseball in Japan. Things had evolved and gotten a lot more exciting. Some changes included:

• Much larger fields and ballparks (good for strength augmentations as well as fitting all the fans who wanted to watch the games now).
• 120 mph pitches.
• Players regularly hitting 40+ home runs (until pitching augmentations caught up to hitting ones).
• Increased season length, going from 149 to 225 games played in Japan per year. The MLB was still 162 games per year.

Some would call this cheating, others would call this advancement. Whatever it was, it was popular, and it spread all throughout Asia and beyond.

Asia League Baseball (2050)

During the age of cyborgization in baseball (as well as with regular, rich, people), Asia as a whole gets better at baseball (as long as your definition of “better” means “more cyborgs”). Due to this advancement, as well as the general level of baseball in Asia increasing, we start to see that not just Japan is good at baseball, but Korea (all one country at this point), China, India, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Russia all are quite good as well.

In 2050, Japan, Korea, and China come together to form the Asia League Baseball, a direct competitor to the now waning MLB, consisting of three leagues, nine divisions, and forty-two teams all across Asia. In 2052, India would add four teams. 2053 saw the Middle East join in, bringing the team total to forty-eight. Russia and Hawaii would only join five years after that, but they would bring ten teams to the table, making it by far the largest and best baseball section of the world.

For the first ten years, it is Japan and Korea that dominate, with Japan winning 6 of 10, Korea winning 3, and China winning the last. Baseball comes down to the level of technology that you can produce for your players to use. Japan and Korea tend to be at the forefront in this regard. China also does well, but still has the problem where they need to play catch-up in quality (putting a lot of strong players on the disabled list for repairs). After the first ten years, however, Asia League Championships seem to be all over the board. By this time the draft has helped the weaker teams, and technology has evened out as well.

Now it would be the MLB that had to try to keep their players from defecting to the other league. Asian baseball was hitting on all cylinders here.

The Jackie Robinson Of Robot Baseball (2064)

Not “Taro” pictured above. Due to time travel restrictions any photo from the future may not be shown in the past

While cyborged up people were commonplace now in the ALB, robots were not. Although some robots had turned sentient years previous due to some amazing(ly dangerous) robot brain technology created by Dr. Nakamats Junior (a clone version of the great Dr. Nakamats), it wasn’t until 2064 that we see one of them attempt to play baseball. Just as there was “technically” no rule against African Americans playing baseball when Jackie Robinson joined the MLB, there was “technically” no rule against full on robots either.

And boy was the first one hated. Joining the Nippon-ham Fighters, ASI-43099b aka “Taro,” he was booed by the fans right from the start, even before taking an at bat. It was clear that Taro would have a hard time in the Asia League due to the venomous feelings towards sentient robots that Asia as a whole had. Despite doing well his first and only year for the Nippon-ham Fighters, he was a robot with feelings, so he packed up his bags and moved to the MLB, which was surprisingly more receptive to the idea of robots playing baseball.

By now even the MLB was allowing some forms of cyborgization, but they knew they needed to do something to keep baseball alive in America. 2065 saw not only Taro, but six other robots make their career debut as well to varying success. The ALB eventually warmed up to “The Sentients” coming back to the Asia League, but by then it was too late. The MLB had regained much of its popularity in the same way that cyborgization popularized the Asian leagues. The MLB and the ALB were on fairly even footing, which could only mean good things for baseball as a whole.

World League Baseball (2099)

It’s nearly a new century and advances in travel technology have made it possible to travel across the world in mere hours (hint: we travel in tubes now). It’s fairly unclear which league is greater: The MLB or the ALB? Also, by now the All Europe League, The African League, and the Australian / Southeast Asia Leagues were getting stronger too. South America would join the MLB, doubling the number of teams, but as you can see baseball has reached a “professional” level by the year 2099.

It is appropriate then that in this year, the MLB and the ALB agree to inter-league play. Each team would play thirty games a season against the other league. In the following decade the other leagues would join in (except for the All Europe League and Southeast Asia League, which were still at too low of a level to join), forming the first truly worldwide League.

At the end of it all? Well, of course there was a World Series. A real one this time, not one that’s only in North America. Finally, there is no need to fight outside the baseball diamond. The world is united in terms of baseball, and a lot of it is thanks to Japan. While some still hate Japan’s contribution to the world baseball stage, others would never have known baseball in the first place if it wasn’t for the robots and cyborgs that people take for granted today.

While I don’t want to comment on this for fear of changing the future, I will say that it is entertaining to watch. I don’t know if it’s good or bad (or rather, I won’t say if it is or not), but it is different, and it is where baseball will head… that is, unless one of you mucks up the future somehow, at which point this article will have been rendered useless and you only have yourself to blame.

One more thing: GO KENYAN PANDAS! (don’t ask about the name… the team moved from China to Kenya and never changed the name…) I love their chances at winning it all this year.

If you have any questions about the future of (Japanese) baseball, feel free to ask. While I don’t know everything, I did spend a lot of time watching games all over the world, reading up on the stats, and just enjoying a lot of future baseball culture. I’ll answer whatever I can so long as I don’t think it will alter events and create a future where we are ruled by Neo Nazis (aka the Nazi baseball team is not something you are allowed to ask about).

P.S. Have yourself a full sized header illustration to support your favorite future team, the Honda Hawks!

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Volcano erupts in Japan, showers nearby Kagoshima City with rocks and ash: In a story that surprisingly seemed to fly mainly under the radar, a volcanic eruption rocked southern Japan this past Tuesday. While Mt. Sakurajima has been more or less constantly active since 1955, its eruption this week was much larger than what residents of Kagoshima City are used to, prompting a mass cleanup and people to don facemasks to avoid the ash. Not lifethreatening, but still frightening nonetheless. [via News On Japan][/threecol_two] [threecol_one_last]Seattle Welcomes Ichiro the Yankee: After over a decade with the Seattle Mariners, Japan’s most famous baseball player, Ichiro Suzuki, has been traded to the most notorious baseball franchise in the United States, the New York Yankees. Seattle fans were crestfallen, but Ichiro fans are hopeful that he might be able to achieve with New York what he was never able to in Seattle: a World Series win.

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[threecol_one]Horror icon Sadako to release her first photo book along with Blu-ray & DVD of ‘Sadako 3D’: One of film’s most infamous villains, The Ring‘s, Sadako, is getting a hilarious photo spread in the new release of The Ring on DVD and Blu-Ray. If you’ve ever wanted to see the long-haired ghoul petting a dog, lounging in a meadow, or getting her hair did, then you’re in for a treat.

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[threecol_one]Teenage Wasteland: Japanese Youth in Revolt, 1964: An awesome, unexpected photo feature from Life magazine documents rebellious Japanese youth in the 60s. Turns out that teenagers have been – and likely, always will be – disgruntled with adults. I hate you mom, why do you always embarrass me?! I’m moving out when I turn 18! [via Life][/threecol_one] [threecol_one]Tiger fugu lunker caught off Yamaguchi: A 13 lb fugu was caught off the coast of Japan and while she’s not quite a record-setter, her size is definitely impressive. But uh, why isn’t she moving in the video? Is she’s just sleeping, with her eyes open, out of water? Guys? [via News On Japan][/threecol_one] [threecol_one_last]Low autopsy rate seen abetting murderers: After going through a The Wire marathon over the last couple of weeks, I feel hyper-aware about crime and inexplicably overqualified to talk about criminal procedures. Why aren’t we doing an autopsy? We’ve got to follow the money! The target is Stringer Bell! F#&%! [via Japundit][/threecol_one_last]

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[threecol_one]Expats Say Goodbye to Gaijin Card: Good news for gaijin living in Japan! Japanese immigration law has been streamlined to give expats and easier time residing in Japan. Bad news: the law won’t spare you from the horrors of microaggressions. [via Japan Real Time]

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Lots of people think of Japanese robots as a creation of the 20^th century, but that’s a few hundred years off. How does the 17^th century sound to you?

Early Japanese Robots

Way back in the Edo era of Japanese history (1600s-1800s), little contraptions known as karakuri ningyo (roughly “mechanical doll”) saw their heyday. These karakuri weren’t robots in the sense we usually think of them, though.

Karakuri didn’t have computers, weren’t built of plastic and metal, and didn’t look too eerily lifelike. Instead, they were made of wood, string and cogs; and were very basic analog contraptions compared to today’s digital wonders. If anything, karakuri were more related to wind-up clocks than they are to ASIMO.

The beginning of the end of humanity will come back to this doll

A lot of the time, these little machines didn’t really have any especially practical uses, but were mainly used for parlor tricks and impressing people.

The founder of Toshiba, a guy by the name of Hisashige Tanaka, liked to pass the time by assembling elaborate little karakuri before he moved on to bigger and better things like steam engines and weaponry.

While there were tons of different karakuri, three different kinds in particular were the most popular:

1. Household Robots

Probably the most recognizable karakrui is the zashiki karakuri, or “tatami robot.” Zashiki karakuri were little household automatons people would keep around the house, mostly for entertainment. For instance, this robot shooting arrows was a fairly common design that astounded people at the time. (During the Edo period, standards for entertainment were lower and people had longer attention spans.)

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JV--AwLxiE']

My God, they’re arming themselves!

Probably the coolest (and most practical) of the zashiki karakuri were the ones that brought cups of tea to their masters. You would place the cup in their cold, unyielding robot arms, and they scuttled across the tatami floor for a given distance, delivered the tea and bowed to you. Helpful? You could say so, but I still don’t trust ‘em.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD6YEGcaVhs']

Don’t believe the propaganda: robots have no emotions.

2. Festival Robots

If you’ve ever seen a festival in Japan, then you’ve probably seen the giant floats and shrines that parade through the streets during certain festivals. People like to make these floats or dashi as huge and elaborate as possible.

What better way to spruce up a float than putting a robot on top of it?

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u1XsKCaYCM']

This is easily the scariest thing I have ever seen.

These robots are called dashi karakuri and they aren’t usually as giant or terrifying as the one in the video above. Check out a more tame, traditional dashi karakuri in the video below:

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um6LfOwIN9w']

3. Theater Robots

Yes, karakuri even appeared in Japanese theaters in the Edo period. You’d think that acting would remain squarely in the domain of humans, but unfortunately you’re wrong.

Not only did these butai karakuri (theater karakuri) appear in plays during the Edo period, but they even influenced how human actors performed. Japanese people back in the day were not only so impressed with karakuri, but also bunraku puppets that many traditional actors started to imitate the movements of these miniature thespians.

Mommy, Where Do Robots Come From?

So while these little karakuri might not seem like more than simple playthings, it’s cool to see how Japan’s heritage and history have influenced the country as it is today. I’m not saying that this is necessarily the reason why Japan’s so into robots today, but hey, it’s pretty interesting! You never know, right? Or maybe you do – if you do, you should tell us, because you’re smart people (don’t ask IBM’s Watson… we think he’s a higher up in the secret robot army).

Anyways, all this information will be a great head start on your Robot History 101 course, which will be mandatory after we welcome our new robot overlords. I, for one, don’t want to be sent to a mining asteroid. These supple, sensitive, fingers were made for blogging and Starcraft.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3DyxaCYlfg']

P.S. Afraid of the impeding robot apocalypse? Seek shelter on Twitter.
P.P.S. Think that Twitter is a haven for the machines? Try Facebook or Google+.

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Japan is known for a few things, I think. Sushi, temples, karate, video games, and INCREDIBLY EVIL ROBOTS. If you thought dead babies from hell staring soullessly into your eyes was scary all you need to do is switch that baby out for a robot baby and you’ve entered a whole other realm of fear. You may not know it, but pretty much all Japanese robots are evil. It’s built into the code. They’re all just waiting for the chance to strike and you must be educated properly to prepare for them.

This is a list of the most shockingly evil Japanese robots out there. There are some slightly less shockingly evil Japanese robots in existence, but these will be the ones that lead the other robots during the robot uprising of the late 90s.

This is part of a week-long series of posts leading up to Halloween, featuring “scary” things about Japan. Check out the “scary” tag to see them all!

#12 – Noisy Mouth Robot

Uuuuooowweeeeee ooooohhh uuuwoooeeeeh

This Japanese Robot “Mouth” has one main purpose: to teach the hearing impaired how to speak by showing visually how the throat works during different vocal patterns.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bht96voReEo']

It’s quite obvious to me, however, that this terrifying robot’s main purpose is to give our future robot overlords the power to speak to us so that they can communicate their orders more effectively to our primitive speech based minds.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD_NdnYrDzY']

He just said “Apply some oil over there, human.” It doesn’t seem to be able to speak really well yet, but it’s only a matter of time. All I can say is don’t put your hand in there, because it will surely bite it right off.

#11 – Clapping Robot “Ondz”

Clap… clap… clap clap clap clap.

At this year’s 2011 Tokyo Digital Content Expo, creator Masato Takahashi showcased a pair of robots whose sole purpose was to clap. The hands were molded from Takahashi’s own arms, and were created by coating urethane flesh on top of the aluminum skeleton to make it as human-like as possible.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LkQ08-J4Ig']

Takashashi doesn’t know what these robots will be used for exactly, but he has a couple of ideas.

Ondz could be used in musical performances, to enhance the sound of real clapping. Or viewers watching a programme online could click a button to make hands at the broadcast site clap, Takahashi told AFP.

I know of a couple other good things robot hands would be good for, too. Strangling people? Starting the “slow clap” as our last bastion of human hope gets overrun by nanobots? Yeah, I’m pretty sure those two things are slightly more likely.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3lUfZFGnfQ']

Who thought this was a good idea!? You’re sealing our fate, Takahashi. The first set of robot clapping hands will applaud as the second set strangles you in your sleep. Then who will control them with beautiful music, the only thing keeping them content?

#10 – Japanese Flying Sphere Robot

After the robotic uprising, when there are only small groups of humans still living freely in pockets around the world, the robots will surely use something like this in order to track us down.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pF0uLnMoQZA']

Punch it. Kick it. It doesn’t matter. It has three gyroscopes that keep it upright no matter what. Since it’s round, it can basically land wherever it wants. It’s cheap to build, it hovers like a helicopter, and can fly forward using wings (helicopters can’t do this).

Oh, and not to mention it could very easily be retrofitted to be a very small and evil Death Star. Things do not look good for those of us who choose to hide.

#9 – Cycling Robot

The one thing sort of keeping us safe from the robots is that bipedal robots are still pretty slow. With varying terrain and obstacles, I feel like I could outrun most robots pretty easily (outrunning their lasers is a whole other matter, unfortunately).

Just when you thought there was hope, somebody goes and decides to teach a robot how to ride a bicycle. Not only will that make open roads unsafe for humans, but the robots will be eco-friendly about hunting us down and turning us into their slaves.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBw7XapJKk']

We can only pray that they’ll never learn to ride double decker bikes.

#8 – Simroid, Dental Robot

Heeeee heeee heeee

I’m pretty sure the above picture does everything possible to prove that this robot is secretly evil. Look at that smile… is that a smile? This sex doll + Dental Training Robot combination is terrible for everyone. Not only will we be unable to recognize them when they come for us, but they’ll have better teeth than us too.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vaf-QxhQh6g']

We wrote more about this terribly evil dental robot earlier, but it definitely deserves to be on this list as well.

#7 – Any Humanoid Robot

Speaking of human-like robots, there are a lot of them in Japan. I at least want to know who’s a robot and who’s a human when they come take away my home and country.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIuF5DcsbKU']

Being unable to recognize your enemy makes wars very hard to fight. With all the money being funneled into realistic sex dolls,  Japanese “looks-human-but-isn’t-human” technology is quite advanced. Combine this with robots, and you have yourself an army of robots… er… no, humans… wait… are they robots? I don’t know…

Uncanny Valley? Meet Uncanny CHASM TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH

Take for example Germinoid, created by Hiroshi Ishiguro. It looks like him in every way. In fact, it is controlled by Ishiguro himself, using 50 sensors and motors. He sees through the eyes of the robot. He hears through it. It even mimics what Ishiguro does. And of course, we all know it’s secretly learning how to be sentient through Ishiguro’s actions as well, and biding its time.

“At first, you may feel strange about the android. However, once you are drawn into a conversation, you will forget every difference and feel totally comfortable to speak with it and look it in the eyes.” – Hiroshi Ishiguro, creator of the doombringers.

There are many other examples of very human-like Japanese robots out there, and I’m sure they will get better (the word “better” may not be the right word) over time.

But, it’s not just the looks you have to worry about. Perhaps you could touch them to see whether or not they’re human? Unfortunately, that’s been taken away from us too. The Kao Corporation made an incredibly skin-like material which apparently does an incredibly good job at mimicking real, human skin. 10 out of 12 people who touched it thought it was human. I want to be with the other two people when the uprising occurs.

Oh, and Terminators, anyone? That did not work out for human civilization.

Robot governor!?

Looks just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you ask me.

#6 – MechaGodzilla

If anything is proof that robots are A) Out to get us and B) going to use fake fleshy exteriors to try and fool us, it’s the robot MechaGodzilla.

MechaGodzilla was created not by humans, but by the Ape Aliens of the Third Planet from the Black Hole (if you went to school, you probably know of this planet). He was originally covered in a skin that made him look like regular Godzilla, but for some reason the aliens didn’t think to mimic Godzilla’s roar, too. Because of that, Godzilla’s good pal Anguirus knew him to be an imposter, and they duked it out. In the end, MechaGodzilla won, breaking Anguirus’ jaw, but not before getting some of the flesh torn off, showing his mechanical insides.

When Godzilla finally came to save the day, it was totally apparent MechaGodzilla was just an imposter (duh, stupid humans). Their battle came to a draw, causing them to both retreat for the time being. When MechaGodzilla came back, he had to fight both Godzilla and King Caesar, but I won’t spoil the ending for you…

Okay, I will. Godzilla gained special magnetic powers during the fight and was able to pull MechaGodzilla into him (weakness of robots… they are magnetic). Then, Godzilla tore MechaGodzilla’s head off, ending things for a while.

But, this really goes to show how robots can be used for destruction, and how inevitably we will be doomed to the same exact fate. It took two flesh-kaiju to kill this single robot… and you can always build more robots, but you can never have more Godzillas.

Even another alien race in the Godzilla films have robotic associations. The Xiliens from Planet X (located behind Jupiter, duh) are an emotionless race being ruled over by a computer. They also attack earth. Why? Because their leader is a robot-computer…

You know what historians say… “We have to learn what happens in movies so you don’t repeat them in the present.”

#5 – Elfoid Cell Phone Robot

They’re everywhere!!

These, I’m sorry to say, are not just rubbery, fleshy, arm-and-legless robots that squirm around. They are also cell phones. Yeah, this is not the kind of thing you want anywhere near your pockets.

This cell phone was created by NTT Docomo, Qualcomm, and the robotics researchers at Osaka University. It has speakers and a camera in its head. When it’s in use, there’s a green light in its chest. When it’s not in use, a red light. Why did they spawn this thing? They wanted to create a “phsyical presence” for when you’re doing long distance communication. I’m going to stick with FaceTime or Skype for this sort of thing, thank you very much.

I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t let you call the police… it would not be good for the plans of my robot-brothers.

So, it’s supposed to feel like you’re talking to the person that you called (you’re holding them in your hand?) rather than talking “through a metal box.”

Right now it doesn’t move, but apparently they’re working on that (why? Seriously, WHY???). It’ll eventually be able to move its eyes, mouth, neck, and arms. Soon, I imagine, it will start whispering things in your ear.

You: Hey Mom!

Mom: Hey kiddo!

Elfoid Robot: Kill her… Kill her…

Dun dun dunnnnnnn

And, even if it doesn’t gain these powers, it’s still pretty creepy. What makes it even more creepy, though, is that it’s actually watching you (cameras in the head, remember?). It takes note of your emotions and transmits your “feelings” to the other person using an Elfoid (only Elfoid to Elfoid compatible).

Yeah. We’re giving the robots too much information, if you ask me.

#4 – Sony AIBO

Woof, woof, Kill!

There’s a reason it was discontinued. Just sayin’ …

The AIBO is an autonomous robot developed by Sony that goes through different stages of development as it learns various things from you. The scary part about the AIBO is that it knows up to 100 commands… but it chooses whether or not to obey them.

“Sit AIBO”

[Sits]

“Good boy!”

[AIBO Attacks]

“No, AIBO, what are you doing!? Stop! STOP!!”

[Rejects command. Does not compute]

Every year there is an International AIBO convention at the Sony Robotics Tower in Shinjuku Prefecture. At the convention people swap AIBO open-source software and let the AIBOs get together to meet with their brothers and sisters. I, for one, would be nervous about letting so many robots meet and get together like that, no matter how friendly they pretend to be.

#3 – RoboKyuu, Human Body Harvester Robot

Careful… Carrrreeefulllll

Is it just me, or does this robot look like a wood chipper modified with arms made to pull bodies into itself to create Soylent Green for all the humans it enslaves?? Wood chippers are pretty good for human bodies, I’ve learned from various movies.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qWFhDvURLg']

The RoboKyuu (ロボキュー) is owned by the Tokyo Fire Department and is used for collected dead (or presumed dead) bodies. Despite looking like a death machine, it’s actually quite delicate seeming.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXnoZ8nPe10']

Even if you aren’t actually dead, and they just think you’re dead, this particular robot has oxygen flowing through it, just in case (whew). That means it has two modes: Keep you alive mode to harvest your body energy (think Matrix) or keep you dead mode to grind you up into body energy. Either way, the robots win, really.

#2 – CB2, Baby Robot

The CB2 is a robot that was made by the Osaka University Graduate School of Engineering that is programmed to act like a human infant (between 1-2 years old). It does things like look around, squirm, make weird noises, and spit up oil on to your brand new cardigan.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyIHzCsbA_w']

It’s full of sensors and engines. It has cameras for eyes and microphones for ears. It’s basically just a giant, terrifying baby. Everyone knows that robot babies only come second on the terrifying scale to robot clowns which thankfully Japan hasn’t invented … yet.

Despite being only 1-2 years old, it’s already 4 feet tall and 73 pounds. I think Stephen Colbert said it best: “What happens when it grows up, Japan? This is why your cities keep getting destroyed.”

Now let’s fast forward two years after it’s invention.

The CB2 baby robot has begun to grow up, and can now learn like a toddler. The two-year-old, four-foot-tall, 73-pound robot is now interacting with humans and “developing social skills,” just as its creators at Osaka University hoped it would. [source]

That’s right. They’re teaching it how to think like a baby. It can now detect emotion (i.e. it can now sense your fear), is learning how to walk, and eventually researchers are hoping they can get it up to the intelligence of a two-year old, being able to speak very basic sentences. Over the next 10-20 years, the very same researchers expect they’ll get things to the point where they’ve created a “robo-species” with learning abilities somewhere between those of humans and chimps.

We’ve all seen the Planet Of The Apes documentaries. Just imagine if they were even smarter… and made of metal. Someone needs to stop these researchers now before robot babies are telling us what to do.

#1 – Doraemon

Alright, time for number one. Oh, sure, Doraemon looks all cute and cudly and friendly and so on… but that’s because you don’t know what he’s up to.

Here’s some background. Doraemon, the robot-cat that can pull anything out of a magical pocket, is sent back in time by Nobita’s (main character kid) great-great grandson Sewashi to help him lead a better life. If Doraemon is successful, he will have made Nobita better at life and therefor the future would be brighter for the great-great grandson as well.

Without Doraemon, Nobita would have only had misery and misfortune. He would have bad grades, run into problems constantly, and get bullied. Then, his future business would get burned down and the future members of his family would be left to pay for it (both figuratively and literally). So, to alter history, they send Doraemon back in time to make sure none of this happens…

Wait a second… time travel? Robots? Changing history? This sounds familiar…

T-800′s got nothing on Doraemon’s destructive capabilities

To top things off, Doraemon has futuristic powers. He has a special pocket which he produces many “gadgets, medicines, and tools from the future.” It’s known as the “Fourth Dimensional Pocket” – that right there is, like, spacetime itself, and that sounds like a terrible idea.

Oh, sure, so he’s lovable and amiable right now… but what about when someone crosses him? What if someone mentions something he doesn’t like about his mother (or the person responsible for making him)? Doraemon, really, has the power to enslave the human race, and he is only one robot. He can pull anything out of his pocket of destruction and bring doom to the human race (or even the earth, solar system, or universe itself). That’s too much power to give to any robot, or person for that matter.

Here’s how most episodes go:

1. Nobita’s crying or whining about something. Whaa whaa whaa. Why don’t you call the “whaaaambulance?”
2. He tells Doraemon about the problem.
3. Doraemon offers some advice, because that’s what he’s supposedly here to do.
4. Nobita’s all like… “nah, I want a faster way out of this mess I’m in!”
5. Doraemon gives him a gadget from his fourth dimensional pocket.
6. The item or gadget ends up getting Nobita in even more trouble compared to before.

That right there is proof Doraemon doesn’t really care about his “main” mission. All that future-power and that’s all he’s planning on doing? I think there’s something darker going on. What does Doraemon do when Nobita’s asleep? What does he do when Nobita’s at school? Perhaps we’ll find out, perhaps we won’t. But, I can tell you I’d never trust the guy. I’d pretend to, but that’d only be for my own safety.

As Japan’s Population Decreases

It’s only a matter of time before I snap you in half…

Japan’s population is at a big decline. People are getting older and they aren’t having enough babies. In fact, Japan just recently fell to under two babies per couple… that means more people are dying than are being born.

Villages and Towns are disappearing. People are disappearing. How will Japan cope? Sure, they could ease up on immigration laws and let more people in, but knowing Japan the more likely solution will be to make more robots. Eventually, we won’t even be able to tell the difference between the robots and the people.

They’ll fight their wars with robots. They’ll do all the work and heavy lifting with robots. They’ll use robots to take care of people.

But then, one day, the robots will know too much. They’ll take over Japan and then the entire world. We’ve seen fast technological advances before. Just think how far the computer has come. It’s only a matter of time before The Humans Are Dead:

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGoi1MSGu64']

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Japan has never failed to bring the world terrifyingly lifelike humanoid robots. Sometimes I feel like Japan is situated right in the middle of the Uncanny Valley.

But sometimes these freakish inventions can actually do more than scare people. Sometimes these inventions can actually be very helpful, like one of Japan’s newest inventions, the dental robot. This robot helps aspiring dentists learn their craft, but also has a bit of a surprising background.

A long and illustrious line of horrifying dental robots.

Showa University has once again upped the stakes for Japan by producing a robot for dental students to practice on called the Showa Hanako 2. The university, in collaboration with Wasdea and Kogakuin Universities, teamed up with sex doll makers Orient Industries to help construct the Showa Hanako 2, creating the biggest collaboration between educators and perverts since Harvard teamed up with Hugh Hefner.

With the expertise from Orient Industries, Showa University has created a much more lifelike robot than their first attempt at a dental training robot, the Showa Hanako 1, whose wide mouth reminds me more than a little bit of Ichi the Killer:

“Smiles, everyone!”

In fact, this is Showa University’s third generation of dental robot in ten years. Each has been getting more and more lifelike, which I can’t tell is a good or bad thing.

There are lots of features that put the Showa Hanako 2 head and shoulders above other animitronic dental training robots. Showa Hanako 2 can do all of the following:

• Blink
• Talk and understand when someone is talking to it
• Move its motorized tongue
• Cough and sneeze
• Complain about having it mouth open for too long
• React with a gag reflex

Showa Hanako 2 even has a pulse in its right wrist, as if it needed to be more eerily lifelike.

With all of these feature on top of its humanoid appearance, the Showa Hanako 2 is truly cutting edge. You can see it in action as one of its creators talk more about it in this video:

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhzbFaNueKU']

The robot itself may be terrifyingly lifelike and built on pervert technology, but I can definitely get behind the concept. What better way to have dental students practice their craft without giving somebody an accidental root canal? Anything that helps medical professionals become better at what they do is a-okay in my book.

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