Although you could make the learning process much easier by understanding these three important differences between the English and Japanese languages, I’d say understanding ‘formality’ is very difficult even for Japanese people. In fact, it may be even more difficult for the Japanese people, as some leeway is usually given to those who aren’t Japanese.

Formality

I believe that it is generally considered a positive thing to be friendly to someone in Western countries. Although there are certain situations where more formality is required, friendly personalities usually tend to be well received. In Japan however, the situation is quite different, since the Japanese language has a “formality” system.

It is often considered rude to sound too friendly to a person who is older than you, has higher social standing, or is someone you have just met. I mean, Japanese people like people who have friendly personalities and the same is true for people of other countries.  However, it is generally preferable to be formal and polite when talking to acquaintances until you have developed a closer relationship that allows for more friendliness. Does this make sense?

“This isn’t a good morning no matter how you say it.”

In English, it is just fine to speak the same way to everyone, within reason, right? For example, you would say the phrase “Good morning,” to your spouse, your boss, your friends, and to a complete stranger. Some people might omit “good” and just say “morning” but it doesn’t matter who you are talking to. Things are quite different in Japan.

Tell me, did you think, “Seriously? Even good morning is different in Japan?” Unfortunately, the answer is yes. There, you must speak differently to different people based on their age and their relationship to you, even when saying something as simple as ‘good morning’.

Good Morning

Okay, let me illustrate how the morning greeting can be different.  The formal Japanese morning greeting is “お早うございます/Ohayou gozaimasu”, the informal one is “おはよう/Ohayou” and a very casual one is “おっは〜/Ohha~.” This doesn’t mean that good morning in Japanese can mean various things like Gandalf wondered when Bilbo said ‘Good morning’ in ‘The Hobbit’:  ’Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?’

It’s merely a greeting with formal and informal ways to say it.  It is important to remember not only how to speak formally and informally, but to know when to do so.

When you get up and see your family such as your kids/spouse/parents/siblings, you would say, “Ohayou.” Some parents who are very strict about seniority, or even the order of family members, may force their kids to say  “Ohayou gozaimasu” to them.

When you arrive at your office and see your boss, you must use, “Ohayou gozaimasu.” I’m scared to imagine what would happen if you use “Ohayou” or “Ohha~” to your boss… your neck may fly right after you say it.  Did any of you just tilt your head to the side in confusion wondering what that meant? 首が飛ぶ (kubi ga tobu), which literally means my neck flies, is a Japanese phrase meaning to be fired.

Then, what about your colleagues? They won’t be able to exert their authority to let your neck fly like your boss can, but you would speak formally to most of them, especially if they are older than you and/or they had started working there before you did. Many Japanese people think that colleagues who started working before you are all your superiors unless newer ones have the higher title.

Newer ones are called 後輩 (こうはい/kouhai) and older ones are called 先輩 (せんぱい/senpai). For a thorough explanation, check out our guide here. It’s “first come higher status” like “first come first serve”. To the ones you have developed close relationships with, you could drop the formalities and say “Ohayou”, but it may only be outside of office hours because some companies require you to be polite to any colleagues while working. The office is not the place to chat with your friends, but to work.

Now it’s getting more complicated, isn’t it? To simplify things, just keep in mind that newer members usually speak formally to older members, unless the newcomer has higher position in the company (I will say however, even though you may have a better title, it is good practice to speak formally to co-workers that were there before you just out of respect). When speaking to strangers, it is always a safe bet to use the more formal version.

When speaking to friends at school, you use “Ohayou” to all of your classmates but not “Ohha~”. It could sound too casual to someone who is not your close friend. Of course to teachers and to higher grade kids, you would use the formal “Ohayou Gozaimasu”. In school, lower grade kids are called 後輩 (こうはい/kouhai) and higher grade kids are called 先輩 (せんぱい/senpai).

Mistakes by Non-Native Speakers

“Get out of my house.”

Now, imagine that a teenage daughter brings her boyfriend home for supper. This boy comes into her home for the first time, approaches her father, and says, “Hey gramps, what’s up?” What would you think of his manners? It’s just as rude as when Anthony Weiner called Republican mayoral candidate George McDonald “grandpa”, isn’t it? If you were her father, and even though you may be be too nice of a person to throw him out of your house right away, you probably wouldn’t invite him back anymore, would you?

However, language mistakes made by non-native speakers usually aren’t as important as mistakes made my native speakers.  I remember the day when my Canadian boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband, met my mother for the first time at a Japanese restaurant. At that time, she was working at an elementary school taking care of a kid who was suspected of having severe ADHD (though his parents never agreed).

He was such a brat.

Whenever she said ‘good morning’ to him, he answered back with ‘f**k you’, ‘shut the f**k up, Grandma’ or something else in his long list of shocking replies.  He also punched and kicked her whenever he was in a particularly bad mood. Needless to say, my mother became so exhausted working there. So while we were at dinner, my husband tried to use Japanese to speak to my mother. His intention was to ask her about that little boy.

He began his sentence like this – “Anata no (your) mukatsuku (annoying/troublesome) kodomo (child)…”. He didn’t know how to say ‘made you upset’ in a polite way so used the word ‘mukatsuku’ instead, which among Japanese people is considered to be a somewhat rude word that is mostly used among friends.  The other problem with his attempt was that he never said ‘school’ or ‘student’, so it seemed as though he was referring to me.  I was the annoying/troublesome child.

My mother’s face was classic and my husband quickly realized that he should ask for my help.  After everything was explained, it was laughed off by everyone because he was Canadian.  If he was Japanese, it would have been a disaster.  Now it is simply a funny story that we still bring up from time to time, though my husband still cringes when he thinks back on his first meeting with my mother. He wishes that he knew how to speak formal Japanese at the time. He was very happy to get invited back.

Mistakes by Native Speakers

Being a native speaker, I get a special thrill every time I encounter a situation when I have to use formal Japanese. As you can see, it’s ridiculously complex even when you just say good morning. The Japanese language has many formal word forms and their use is mandatory in many social situations.

In keigo, there are three main categories: respectful language (尊敬語/sonkeigo), humble/modest language (謙譲語/kenjougo) and polite language (丁寧語/teineigo). Sometimes two more categories are also used, too: courteous language (丁重語/teichougo) and word beautification (美化語/bikago).

I won’t mention the details about any of them today, but it’s very difficult to use them properly in a perfect situation, even for Japanese people. So, when we start working after graduating school, companies usually offer training sessions on the proper use of formal Japanese and other business manners.

However, lacking some proper formalities is not a big problem as long as you are talking to someone in person. You can show your politeness with your face, the way you talk, or your behavior. So, I’d say the most difficult situation is chatting online or emailing when you can’t see their face or hear their voice.

Actually, I just encountered this problem recently when I sent a business message. It was a mass email so everyone read the exact same thing. Many of the recipients were just fine, but there were two people that got upset: one thought it was so vague because of the keigo and the other one thought it was unfriendly because it had too much keigo.

Later on, I did a little investigating which involved my correspondence and I found out that many of them liked its politeness. Honestly, I got bit confused and felt a little regret that my native language is one that requires these formalities.  I do understand its purpose, but it can be tough to please everyone.  On a more positive note, I was given a great lesson on how difficult it can be to walk the thin line of using formal Japanese.

A Controversy Over if Keigo is Necessary?

As you see, using keigo is very difficult, so if you’re someone who would like to avoid learning formal Japanese because you find it unnecessary, you wouldn’t be the only one. On 2-Channel, I came across a thread discussing the controversy over whether keigo is necessary, or not. Please let me introduce you to some opinions out of it.

1他人と人間関係を築くという事は大変煩わしい事だと思いますが、

「敬語」を上手く駆使しなければ円滑な社会生活を送れないという日本の文化によって、より一層人間関係が大変なものになっていると思うのです。

俺は敬語を多用する日本の言語文化が嫌いです。

皆さんはどう思われますか？

It’s difficult as it is already getting along with someone and trying to make friends, but what makes things even more complicated is that we aren’t able to speak freely to each other because we need to stick to the cultural formalities. I hate the Japanese culture, which forces us to use keigo. What do you guys think about this?

7敬語がある事によって人とのコミュニケーションおいてに求められる能力のハードルが すごく高くなっていると思うんです。

コミュ障と言われている方達が沢山いますが、もしも日本に今ほど敬語が存在しないのであれば彼らはコミュ障ではなかったもしれません。

I think keigo makes communication more difficult. There are a lot of people called コミュ障 (comyu-shou), which is an abbriveation of コミュニケーション障害 (communication shougai) meaning communication disabilities. If there weren’t as many forms of keigo in the language that there are, those people might not have been coined comyu-shou.

8下級生にタメ口使われてる

I’ve been spoken to by lower grade students with informal Japanese.

13距離を置けるからむしろハードル下がってる

It’s easier to communicate (for comyu-shou) because you can create more personal space by using keigo.

15敬語は楽でいいよね

上でも下でも同格でもとりあえず敬語喋っとけば問題ない!

I like keigo because it’s easier.

It wouldn’t cause problems when using keigo, regardless of whether you are talking to higher, or lower standing people.

25以前床屋でこんな事がありました。

新人の店員が俺にタメ口で話しかけてきたんです。

俺はこう思いました。

（俺の事なめてんのかこいつ）

俺は腹が立ちその店員の態度に不快感を感じたまま店を後にしました。

その店員は、親しみを込めてタメ口を使ったのかもしれません。

しかし、店では敬語を使われるという事に慣れている俺は、

それをフレンドリーさの表現とは受け取る事ができませんでした。

これは敬語が多用され浸透している国ならではの問題ではないでしょうか。

The following occurred in a hair salon just the other day.

A freshman started talking to me with casual Japanese.

I thought, “Is he looking down at me?”

I got upset and left the place with an unpleasant feeling.

He might have used casual Japanese trying to be friendly.

However, I’ve got used to hearing formal Japanese as a customer, so it really didn’t seem to be a friendly expression to me.

This problem only occurs in countries that use a lot of formalities, doesn’t it?

30 年上年下を気にする必要が無いのでいいと思います。

It’s good with me as long as I use keigo not only to older people but also to younger people.

35そうですね。

私もそう思います。

私はこう思うんです。

完全に敬語、もしくは、完全にタメ口、

どちらかに完全に統一すればいいと思うんです。

そうすれば言葉を使い分ける労力が無くなりますし、

敬語を使われなかったから腹が立つ、といった事も無くなります。

Yeah, I agree. I’d say, we should standardize our language and use strictly, either casual Japanese, or formal Japanese. If we could, we wouldn’t need to waste our energy choosing words and we wouldn’t be upset by being spoken to without keigo.

45敬語で話すの会議とタメ口で話すの会議はタメ口の方が意見バンバンでるんだとさ”

Did you know that more ideas come up in a meeting when people speak with casual Japanese in comparison to speaking with formal Japanese?

5敬語は現代には必要ない

Keigo is unnecessary these days.

These opinions are from 2-channelers who are known to have comyu-shou, so they might be slightly biased. Personally, I agree that it would be much easier to communicate with people if the Japanese language was standardized in either the formal or casual form, but it doesn’t seem like it will happen any time in the near future. So, for now, mastering the Japanese language must include mastering formal Japanese.

It’s very likely that the way the language is today is the very way that it should be and couldn’t work any other way.  Perhaps there are unseen disadvantages to having a language without keigo, or solely with keigo.  One thing is certain however, I really do like the following quote, but I’m sure this won’t mean the end to this discussion for many of you.

Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untravelled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as “empty,” “meaningless,” or “dishonest,” and scorn to use them. No matter how “pure” their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best.

-Robert Heinlein

Bonus Wallpapers!

[2560x1600] ∙ [1280x800] ∙ [1280x800 Animated] ∙ [700x438 Animated]

The argument wasn’t as simple as the title lets on. Let’s start with the whole idea of giving up your seat. Of course, there’s “priority seating,” and you absolutely should give up your seat to any elderly, pregnant, baby-carrying, or injured people. Nobody’s debating that. But, this blog post talks about all seats, not just priority seating, which really puts us in quite the gray area. Do you have to give up your (regular) seat to a pregnant lady? No. Should you? Probably. Will you? Maybe not. It becomes a judgement call, and if you don’t make the right one, you’ll surely be judged by others. There are two points that the blogger (we’ll call him by his id: Kangaetakekka) makes:

1. Why I don’t always give up my seat to someone on the train.
2. Why people shouldn’t think badly about others who don’t give up their seats.

While this immediately sounds like some proper S-Class douchebaggery it actually does get a little more complicated than the two points let on. Kangaetakekka has reasons for why he feels this way, and of course many others on the intertubes had words of support and/or words of anger for all of his feels. I’d like to be able to say “oh man, what a jackass!” and then call it a day, but even I can’t bring myself to do that, at least not at 100%. I really do understand where he’s coming from. Let’s go through some of his reasoning. I’ll add my own opinions and thoughts along the way.

“Why I Don’t Give Up My Seat”

So you don’t demonize Kangaetakekka too much right of the bat, I should mention that he does give up his seat to people a lot of the time. He’s not saying that he never gives up his seat on principle, or anything like that.

もちろん、気持ちと体力に余裕のあるときは、席が空いていたって座らないこともよくある。
Of course, when I’m in a good mood and feeling strong, I will often give up my seat for people.

There you have it. Starting off with a positive note for you guys! Let’s now refocus onto how this topic came up in the first place. He didn’t just think it up out of the blue (presumably while sitting down on the train). The thought came to light when his pregnant friend was talking to him about how she was surprised at how often people don’t give up their seats for her. It made Kangaetakekka think for a moment:

友人が妊娠し、誰の目にも明らかなレベルでおなかも出ているのだが、どうやら予想していたほど席を譲ってもらえないらしい。
My friend is pregnant and her stomach is clearly big, but she hasn’t been given a seat as many times as she expected.

若くて健康だし、立っているのがとてもつらいってほどではないらしいのだが、話したことを書いてみる。
She is young and healthy so it’s not hard for her to keep standing up, but I’ll try to write about what we talked about.

Let’s analyze this. To anyone who looked, they could tell that she was pregnant. Why didn’t more people give up their seats for her? Kangaetakekka has some theories. He has three reasons for why people wouldn’t give up their seat for his friend.

1. People May Not Have Realized She Was Pregnant

While you could tell she was pregnant if you looked, not everyone would notice a pregnant girl on the train, especially if it’s crowded, I imagine.

恥ずかしながら、僕は彼女と話をするまで、電車に妊婦がいるということをそれほど想定してこなかった。
It’s embarrassing, but I’d never really considered that there could be a pregnant women on a train until she told me.

他人のお腹の大きさなんて普段あまり気にしておらず、爆乳ギャルには一瞬で気づくが、妊婦には気づかないのがむしろ一般的なんじゃないかと思う。
I don’t really care about other people’s stomachs, though I instantly notice girls with big boobs. I assume that most people don’t notice pregnant women.

Big boobs comment aside, I have to be honest with myself and agree with him. Pregnant people on the train don’t really cross my mind either. I’ll notice people with babies. I’ll notice people who are injured. I’ll definitely notice and even look out for the elderly so I can offer them my seat, because, you know, they deserve it. But, pregnant ladies are a group I don’t think of too often, especially on the train, and especially in Japan. Plus (this is my addition), wouldn’t you be worried about accidentally thinking someone’s pregnant then it turns out she wasn’t? I’m ashamed to say that I wouldn’t give up my seat for this fear alone, especially if it’s 100% obvious the lady is pregnant. If someone was obviously pregnant, and I noticed them, I’d certainly offer my seat. Chances are not great that I would notice someone though, which is brought up in point number two.

2. When You Are Sitting, You Have Less Interest In People Around You

When you sit down on a train, what’s the first thing you do? That’s right, pull out something to do. You’ve won! You’ve got a seat! It’s time to enjoy it and read some manga / catch up with your friends on LINE. What happens when you do this? You suddenly lose interest in the world around you. You notice fewer things and you simply become less aware. It’s not like it’s really your fault, at least not on purpose, but this is point number two of Kangaetakekka.

また、座っていると、立っているときよりもさらに他の客に興味がなくなる。
Second, when I am sitting, I have less interests in other people than when I am standing.

寝るか読書かスマホかみたいな状態では、目の前に大きなお腹があってもそれは気づかない。
While sleeping, reading or on my smart phone, I wouldn’t notice a big belly even if it’s right in front of me.

This, I think, is so true. Unless you’re actively looking around, these sitting-things are going to distract you from noticing someone, even if they’re right in front of you (and especially if they’re not right next to you). Plus the way that Japanese people ignore everything around them on the train is nothing short of incredible. Even if a pregnant lady’s stomach is inches from a Japanese train passenger’s face, I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t notice (or pretended not to notice) them there. It’s not that you’re being a bad person. It’s just that you don’t notice things like this once you’ve sat down. I’m guilty of this as well as I get sucked into things the moment I focus in.

3. People Put In Great Efforts To Get A Seat

This is definitely the most controversial point. Kangaetakekka is saying that he often puts in a lot of effort to get a seat, so why should he have to give it up?

他人を押し退けて空席を目指すのではなく、座りやすい駅に住み、比較的空いている電車を選んで乗っている。
I don’t push people away and get a seat, but I chose a house that’s near a station that’s easy to get seats from and choose trains that are comparatively easier to find seats on.

電車を1本見送ることもある。
I even sometimes wait for another train.

それを、なんの努力もせずにあとから乗ってきただけの人に譲るというのは、どうも癪にさわるのだ。
Therefore, after putting in all that effort, I feel irritated giving up my seat to someone who just got on the train.

You can tell this is a bit of a sensitive point for him. He puts in a lot of effort, even purposefully living near a station that will allow him to get a seat more easily, to get a seat. When you work that hard for something, and you make that kind of investment, of course you’re not going to want to give up your seat. It might not be the “correct” thing to do, but I see where he’s coming from here.

I do and have done similar things as well. Back in high school when I was living in Japan and had to ride the train every day, I knew which trains had fewer people on them. I’d shoot for those so I could get myself a seat, sometimes picking the slower trains over the express to guarantee my sitting luxury (even though it would take longer). I also knew which train cars would have less people on them, thus upping my seat-snatching-chances.

In crowded rush-hour trains, I’d search out less crowded lines to get on the train. If I didn’t get a seat, I’d constantly be on the lookout for people looking like they were about to leave. When it comes to getting a seat on a Japanese train, it’s a (very polite) dog-eat-dog-world out there, and you have to be at the top of your game if you want to be able to sit down sometimes.

So, I understand where he’s coming from. Especially if you’re in the city, it’s brutal. And, it’s not just a one-time thing. You do this five, six, maybe seven times a week, two+ times a day. You hone your craft and learn how to get a seat and you work hard for it. Then, someone who didn’t do anything for it gets your seat? Great dishonor.

But, just because I understand all too well where he’s coming from and how he’s feeling, doesn’t mean I don’t think that you shouldn’t give up your seat to someone who needs it. Plus, if you don’t give up your seat you’ll surely be judged by others, which is another one of Kangaetakekka’s worries. While most Tofugu readers probably won’t care about this whole “being judged” thing, it’s a lot like how Irish Catholics are stereotypically supposed to feel huge amounts of guilt all the time. The Japanese have that voice of their mother in their head saying “What would the neighbors think?” / “What would others think?” Especially on trains, it feels like there’s a +12 etiquette bonus that requires you to be on your best behavior. That’s why there are so many posters inside the train teaching good train manners:

So, for those of you who are quick to judge those horrible sitting people on the train, Kangaetakekka has some words for you as well. Why you gotta hate on the sitters, man?

Sitters Gotta Sit, Haters Gotta Hate

Say you’re one of the standers. Ugh, standing! You watch some punk twenty-something-year-old sit idly by as a pregnant lady stands in front of him, looking uncomfortable, in your mind about to give birth at any moment. “Wow, what a terrible person he is,” you think, not even realizing how many times you’ve probably done something very similar on accident. People are quick to judge, and usually negatively. Kangaetakekka wants you to consider that maybe that person’s not a bad person after all (though maybe they are, who knows, is it really your right to judge though?).

何が言いたいかと言うと、座っている人は、性格が悪いから座っているのではなく、座っている事情があるかもしれないということだ。
My point is, people sitting aren’t sitting on the train because they have bad personalities, there might have their own circumstances.

若いくせに座ってパズドラやってる大学生は、バイトでヘトヘトの苦学生かもしれないし、満員電車で化粧をしているOLも、毎日仕事でいびられているかもしれないのだ。
A young working university student playing “Puzzle & Dragons” could be completely exhausted from his part-time job. A female office worker putting on make-up in the train could be getting teased at work.

電車にはいろいろな背景を抱えた人が乗っており、しかもいちいち他人を観察する余裕なんてない。
There are a lot of different people with a lot of different backgrounds riding the train, and they don’t have enough room to consider other people in their mind.

This is where I start to feel like Kangaetakekka has had a previously bad experience with this which set him off to write this blog post. Maybe somebody scolded him. Maybe somebody on the train got angry at him. Whatever it was (or wasn’t), I think he does have a bit of a point. People are too quick to judge other people without really knowing anything about that person. Humans are hard wired to judge the things around them in relation to themselves. We’re all narcissists. You aren’t going to (naturally) think “oh, that person probably had a rough day, they should keep their seat.” That’s like Dalai Lama level thinking. Instead, you and I are going to think: “wth, I want your seat, and if I can’t have it, that old lady should have it instead.” Survival of the fittest, man.

Kangaetakekka ends with one final sentence:

他人には期待せず、自分が譲ったときに自分がいい気分になれればそれでいいじゃないか。
Just don’t expect it from other people. Isn’t it enough to just feel good when you do good things?

Yeah, for sure. You should do good things when you can and feel good when you do it, not having to worry about what other people think. It’d be a much better world if everyone did just this. But, I also think there’s a difference between what’s right and doing what’s right. I don’t think anyone will ever be perfect, and it’s inevitable that you’ll do something wrong and it’s inevitable that people will judge you… so to me, I just feel like everyone should try their best and not worry about who’s judging you and how. The best you can do is the best you can do, right? I think this was partly Kangaetakekka’s point as well.

Of course, a lot of the internet didn’t agree, so they took to the Twitter streets to make their opinions heard. Tweet, tweet, tweet! ♬

The Internets Respond

Finding a seat on the train is something that almost all Japanese people experience. Fighting for seats, giving up seats, and watching people with seats is all a part of daily life. So, Kangaetakekka touched on a few nerves, I think. It’s hard for someone who doesn’t ride a crowded train all the time to understand why people would be getting so upset about this. But, people did get upset. If you search for the article you can see that a decent amount of people linked to and posted their opinions on the article, both for and against the evil / reasonable Kangaetakekka.

“Not giving up your seat isn’t evil” … what a sad world.

“It’s less tiring if you give up your seat and feel that you did a good thing.”
“I try to give up my seat, because I believe it’s much cooler than someone who just complains a lot”

“If I can’t sit, I’d fall down on my way to work.”

So there you have it. Both sides of the issue, or at least one side and some opinions from me. Especially for those of you who have ridden trains a lot, how do you feel about the topic? Should people give up their spots so readily? I’m guessing there will be some varying opinions here, and I’d love to hear from them.

Either way, I hope you got some interesting insight into the lives of many Japanese people. It’s hard to ride the train. It’s also not that simple. The dance you have to dance to get… and give… a seat is stressful, but it’s one of the things you have to deal with if you’re planning to live in Japan at any point. So, things like giving up your seat can mean a lot, even if it doesn’t seem like it should to you. That being said, these are all opinions, man. Some are probably right and some are probably wrong. Many are probably neither. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t interesting. What do you think?

P.S. Here’s the desktop sized version of me being a d-bag on a train.