an acute, often fatal, infectious febrile disease of warm climates, caused by an RNA virus transmitted by a mosquito, especially Aedes aegypti, and characterized by liver damage and jaundice

Whoops, wrong one.

yellow fever (noun) – the maddening sensation to go crazy for all peoples that is Asian

I might be paraphrasing Webster on that one.

And while that term can apply to both sexes, it definitely has more of a polarizing pull on the fellas.

Double And, might I add, while there is a wide spectrum of Asian, none of them receive quite the same attention as the Japanese. Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and all the rest provide a sense of “mystery and intrigue” to some Western peoples. But I’d argue it’s because of the perceptions of Japanese media— the games, the shows, and yes the adult videos— that Japanese girls get fetishized the way they do.

I’ve been guilty of this myself.

My Yellow Fever Origins

Most of my generation got its gaming start with Mario on the NES or Sonic on the Genesis. I was no different, but I credit Pokemon for introducing me to the concept of slaving away for a game. As my first RPG, Pokemon to me had so many layers I never had to deal with before. It wasn’t just a one-track mission to save the princess or beat the bad guy, but a quest for self-improvement. You didn’t conquer levels. You leveled up yourself. Bond with your pals along the way, all in the name of becoming Pokemon Master.

The show took it one step further, “… to be the very best like no one ever was.” A quote that rivaled Bret “Hit Man” Hart.

I ate that stuff up. Maybe too much. I watched the dynamic between Ash and Misty on the show. She wasn’t a damsel in distress. She was a friend. A friend who secretly harbored feelings for the main character.

I couldn’t remember seeing something like that from my American cartoons, but I’m sure I was just oblivious. Being so involved in the world of Pokemon more likely skewed my view. From here on out, I started to wonder. Maybe this type of girl didn’t exist in America. Could it be a Japanese thing?

I branched out into watching other shows. All of which not only reinforced the idea that Japanese girls are different, but maybe they’re better. I soaked up the images in “harem” anime like Tenchi Muyo and Love Hina. And, it blows my mind to think I liked characters like Shinji Ikari who were super helpless. I guess I related to the weakling who could depend on someone else to show him the way. I appreciated the idea that there was another guy out there that had several hot babes wanting to love him no matter how fragile he was.

At this time, I was horrible at handling rejection. Never did I appreciate the mechanics of a game so much. I wished real life had a pause and resume feature– more time to calculate each move before I made it. If life was like a show, I could fast forward to a better episode.

Whenever I’d get “friend zoned”, I’d bury myself in games. I’d watch more anime. The anime obsession would eventually transition to watching Japanese TV shows, or jdramas as they call it.

These days Twilight gets a lot of flack for leading teenage girls on with the concept of “undying love”. But I let shows like Lunch no Jou and Nodame Cantabile feed me the same type of belief. Yuko Takeuchi and Juri Ueno became avatars of that ideal girl.

I became so absorbed in my fantastical perception of Japanese culture. I started reinforcing those ideas with distancing language. American girls are like this, but Japanese girls wouldn’t ever do that.

Japanese girls are the most passionate, patient, kind and caring beings on earth.

Eventually, I wound up with some idea that it was only Japanese girls who could really understand me.

Meeting My “Match”

“It’s like one of my Japanese animes!”

Sure enough, my first girlfriend would be Japanese.

We didn’t have chemistry. We didn’t have a spark. But thanks to my train of thought, I already committed to the belief that this kind of person is someone who I can fall in love with.

I will fall in love with this kind of person. And so I did.

I kept myself in a fantasy, and I turned myself into an anime character in the process. I relied on scripts I’d learned from my experiences in Japanese media. A lot of my conversation and gestures came off as forced instead of natural. I tried so hard to be the ideal boyfriend to match my image of the ideal girlfriend.

But, everything seemed awesome. I was riding that high of having my first serious relationship, so everything was perfect. This went on for three years. She did no wrong, could do no wrong, and would ne’er do a wrongily wrong.

Until she broke up with me. Bonus bummer: I found out she cheated on me.

You’d think that would’ve burst the bubble. There’s no way I would keep thinking that Japanese girls are the best. But alas, I held on.

The Blindness Begins to Break

From 2009-2012, I taught English in Japan. During this time, I started to notice how much other guys were going crazy over Japanese girls too. I wasn’t alone in my way of thinking, but by watching the people around me, I saw really ugly sides of people in the pursuit of a J-girl.

I taught at a senior high school, and so many guys would tell me they were jealous. They wished they worked at my school because so many girls were hot. Those words irked me. It was kind of gross.

This whole time I didn’t even think of ogling them. They weren’t just Japanese girls. They were my students. They had depth.

I witnessed friendships crumble. Guys would be “best friends” until one would call “dibs” on a girl at a bar. They’d point fingers, but Japanese girls didn’t break those bonds. Those guys let themselves throw it away for eye candy.

I think they knew this sort of behavior didn’t work back home, but something about being in a foreign land changed that.

Of course, you had the flip side of the yellow fever concept too. Some people called it white worshiping, others termed it gaijin-hunting. (Foreigners in Japan were known as Gaikokujin, or Gaijin for short. And a Japanese girl who wanted one would be the hunter.)

Here it was again: the fantasy versus the reality. The mystique and intrigue of what wasn’t familiar, except this time it wasn’t wonderful. It was incredibly frustrating. The roles roles were reversed. I was an Asian guy being passed up for dudes who looked more “foreign”.

I’m not going to lie. It made me pretty bitter. When I was overseas, I worked hard to transform myself. And it was for real this time. I got in shape. Instead of sitting by and hoping I’d encounter someone by chance, someone that’d fall in love with me, I worked hard to build my esteem. I tried to be social. And I thought I was doing pretty good.

But no dice. The Japanese girls I bumped into just saw the surface. They already had their minds made up on what I could offer. Even though I was still a foreigner, they wanted to pick something that looked a bit more exotic.

Basically I was hit with some karma for being so shallow, but I still wasn’t able to see the connection between what they were doing and what I did.

The worst example of this idolization came from a friend. He fell in love with a girl at the clothing store. That’s no code for some seedy underground brothel either. She was just a regular girl working in retail.

But my friend just knew she was special. She was beautiful. She was good-looking. She was hot. She was cute. She was really hot.

She talked to him. And even though he couldn’t really understand what she said, nor could he properly express himself to her (they used an iPhone app to communicate, zoinks!) he was about ready to propose.

Maybe my obsession didn’t manifest itself in the same way, but my friend and I had been similar enough in our thoughts. His relationship didn’t work out, and he took it hard. I saw his dream crumble, leaving him a broken mess.

I’ve been there before, but this time as an outsider, I could see more clearly from the beginning. Things never really looked like they would work out. Connecting the dots, seeing the devastating effect it had on my friend snapped me out of my haze.

It wasn’t about race. It wasn’t about nationality. “Japanese girls” weren’t the best. I was typecasting an idea, but people are just that… people. Good and bad. Superficial and deep. Smart and dumb.

I’d been blind. I’d been pretty dumb. And for all my gaijin-hunter frustration? I had a friend unload on me, putting the final nail in the coffin:

All those girls who can fall for something like that… It’s your own damn fault for liking them.

Still here? Great! Reading ahead will not in fact make you a real-life, dagger-wielding, jujitsu pro, but it will tell you whether Mami, a fifteen year old Japanese girl of my acquaintance, would call you one, and that’s easily as good, right? Ok, so she’d technically be talking about the word ‘juujitsu’ (充実, juujitsu, meaning enrichment or fulfillment), but given the words’ near-homonymity, let’s imagine for one second that she’s talking about the martial art.

It’s really quite easy to discover whether or not you do ‘real jujitsu’ in Mami’s eyes: basically, are you in a relationship? Yes? Congratulations – you’re doing real jujitsu! In fact, you’ve been doing it ever since that awkward moment when you accidentally called her your ‘girlfriend’ and she didn’t dispute it, or run screaming.

The moment you enter a relationship you begin the life of ‘real jujitsu’, abbreviated to ‘riaju’, or so say most young Japanese people. I know ‘most’ sounds like a bold claim, so for those of you who are all about stats, let this slow your rising eyebrow: a survey listed on www.acronyms.com (‘the web’s largest resource for acronyms and abbreviations’, no less) claims that ‘riaju’ was the most popular word among Japanese teenagers in 2011, used to mean ‘people who enjoy a fulfilling life’. The example they use? ‘I got a girlfriend, I’m gonna be enjoying [a] fulfilling life.’

The implication is that people in relationships are making the most of life and having great ones at that – ‘LML-ing’ as kids back in the UK might have said a couple of years ago. Poor singletons, on the other hand, are apparently missing something major and not making the most of things; not being riajus at all. Mami (not Tofugu’s Mami), the girl who introduced me to the word riaju, made this point in just a couple of words of very broken English.

‘You,’ she said, pointing at me, ‘riaju’; a huge grin illuminated her face.
‘Me,’ she continued, pointing to herself with an exaggerated and very kawaiii pout, ‘solo-jo.’

She left me in no doubt that the status of riaju was one to be envied and emulated, and that of solo-jo something to be bemoaned and avoided.

My Japanese isn’t yet quite advanced enough to ask Mami whether this might possibly be a false dichotomy and an oversimplification of Japanese romantic life. But I have no reason to think her views are atypical of girls her age; indeed I have met and taught a large number and all seemed to share Mami’s monochromatic vision of relationships and happiness. There seems a tendency for Japanese young people to paint coupledom and singledom as opposing ends on a spectrum of happiness, rather than considering the varying levels of happiness and fulfillment that either status can bring. Thus a person in an unhappy relationship is still assumed happier than a single person; it is the status of ‘relationship’ which brings happiness, apparently, rather than a relationship’s specific qualities or lack thereof.

This makes it all the more strange that singledom is increasingly common among young people in Japan. The high proportion of young Japanese people who are single has recently hit the press. The National Institute of Population and Social Security Research reported in 2011 that 49% of Japanese women aged 18-24 were single, and that 61% of unmarried men of the same age were single. Since then journalists have apparently competed to pen alarmist commentaries, a recent Guardian headline even asking its readers: ‘Why Have Young People in Japan Stopped Having Sex?’ Yes, apparently young people in Japan have abandoned this most ancient of pastimes (although it seems no-one has remembered to inform the still-thriving love hotel industry, which continues to provide accommodation by the hour in most corners of the capital).

So despite the oversimplification involved in ‘riaju’-status (what, teenagers seeing the world in naively black-and-white terms? Never!), its prevalence does at least counteract the sensationalist notion that the Japanese do not aspire to relationships.

When reading about Japan, it’s hard to miss the tendency among Western journalists to present the country as alien and faintly ridiculous. I’m lucky enough to have lived in Japan for nearly two months now (with many more to come). I’ve yet to see the used-underwear vending machines I was led to expect, or vast hordes of gothic lolitas; thank God I didn’t come to Japan to see these things the papers assured me were the norm. The alleged paucity of both sex and romance is most definitely another Western overreaction and does not reflect the reality in Japan.

Indeed, far less commonly cited is the statistic, recorded in the very same survey, showing that 90% of Japanese singletons between 18-24 intend ultimately to partner up and marry. Likewise the admiration of ‘riajus’ suggests that the statistically undeniable prevalence of singledom is not some strange cultural aversion to relationships. Relationships are clearly something to which the Japanese youth aspire as an integral part of their future happiness.

So, as anyone who has lived in or even visited the country will find completely unsurprising, Japan is not a society overrun with asexuals, and teenagers’ admiration of ‘riajus’ makes this very clear. The young clearly desire relationships, but do seem to be embarking on them later in life.

Why then might this be? One Western perception of Japanese culture that does generally hold true is the cripplingly long working day to which the Japanese workforce subjects itself. Especially for women, a relationship (which might lead ultimately to marriage and children) can be the first step away from a career and financial independence. With working hours as long as they are, a working parent is unlikely to have much time to speak of at home to care for children and run the house; if one parent is hardly ever there, it does seem practical for the other always to be, and over 70% of Japanese married women are full-time housewives.

For men too there are practical reasons for delaying serious relationships. A rising cost of living and the stress of the long working hours (another consequence of which is the tragically high suicide rate among Japanese men of working age) mean that the idea of marriage and mortgage, let alone kids, is understandably not high on the agenda for many young Japanese salarymen.

So there are practical reasons which go some way to explaining the prevalence of singledom rather than serious relationships among Japanese young people (and the statistics only refer to exclusive relationships, not sex, despite being bandied around left, right and centre to evidence Japan’s apparent celibacy). These reasons don’t mean that Japanese people have stopped having sex, or that people in Japan have somehow collectively decided that relationships aren’t for them, but rather than some Japanese people are delaying relationships. Sadly, ‘Some Japanese People are Waiting a Little Before Having Serious Relationships’ isn’t quite as dramatic as commentators would like, and isn’t printed.

Why spend time thinking about a slang word used by Japanese teenagers; what might we learn from their idea of ‘real jujitsu’? Picking apart the idea of real jujitsu we see that relationships are not something unanimously shunned in Japan: Japanese men and women do not live in some asexual cloud, or derive their pleasure from manga and virtual-reality partners rather than, y’know, actual people. Relationships are still very much aspired towards, and celebrated: if you’re in one you’re thought of by millions as a riaju/ real jujitsu* (what could be cooler?!) and if you’re not? 頑張って下さい! Ganbatte kudasai: good luck, go for it!

The teenagers right now cooing over riajus will in a few years be the ‘young people’ found by some survey or other to be totally apathetic towards sex and relationships, but we’ll be ready for that. ‘Those ones,’ we’ll say, ‘those 18-24 year-olds? Of course they haven’t abandoned the idea of relationships: ask them about riaju,’ and we will laugh.

*Obviously ‘jujitsu’ is a martial art rather than a title, and so it doesn’t make sense to call someone ‘a jujuitsu’. However, given that in this case ‘real jujitsu’ is a contraction of ‘riaju’, and riaju is applied as a label (as in ‘you are a riaju’) it makes sense in this context to refer to someone as a ‘real jujitsu’.

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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Birthdays In Japan

Japanese birthdays are not as big a celebration as they are in the West. In fact, there was no custom of celebrating birthdays in Japan until around 1950! Before this, there was only one day on which to celebrate birthdays (everyone’s birthday) and that day was New Year’s Day. This was because ancient people thought everyone got older on New Year’s Day, not the day they were born. Since then, however, Japan has been influenced by Western culture, so they started celebrating people’s birthdays on the date of their actual birth.

In Japan, the only time you’ll organize your own birthday party is when you are a child, although your parents likely played a bigger part in the actual organization of it than you did. The cake is a “must” and we sing “Happy Birthday” in the dark and blow the candles out on the cake (a 1:1 ratio of candles to years). It’s the same as Western culture, isn’t it?

Now that I’m an adult, I feel uncomfortable when someone says “Hey, I’m having a birthday party on Sunday. Can you come?” In Japan this discussion would take place in a conversation amongst friends like, “Hey, Mami’s birthday is on April 9th, so we are planning a birthday party. Are you available that day?” When someone celebrates their birthday, though they can have a say in where to go or what to do, it’s customary that when making arrangements, inviting people to it and paying the bill is not their responsibility. Food is, of course, a big part of Japanese culture, so it is very common to be treated to a meal on your birthday. A lot of restaurants also anticipate birthday parties being held there, so they keep cake and candles on hand for such occasions.

In the case of my husband and I, he doesn’t like being the main person of focus or attention, so he never plans an event to celebrate himself. Knowing how much he dislikes it, I’ve only organized a party for him once.

Birthday For Couples (Women)

However, this sort of “surprise” party is usually held a few days before or after the actual birthday because the birthday person may have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they usually go on dates for special occasions. Even high school students, if they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, will go on a date for their birthday.

According to research conducted by Ozmall in June, 2011, 56% of 800 women ages 20 – 29 years old want to spend their birthday alone with their boyfriend or husband. As for a presents, 27% want accessories, 20% want to go to a restaurant, 17% just want to spend some time with their partner, 9% want to go on a trip within Japan, 7% want to travel abroad, 6% want to be proposed to, 5% want brand-name things such as bags or wallets, 2% want a watch, and 7% want something else (miscellaneous).

Many of these participants said that the reason for wanting an accessory was “because I want to feel my boyfriend/husband is with me at all times.” Isn’t that romantic? Lovey-dovey vomit tummy! Ugh, I just tasted the gyuudon I had for lunch.

Birthday For Couples (Men)

The same organization conducted another research study among 200 men who have a wife or a girlfriend and about 70% of them answered that they go on a date for their birthday.

In regards to presents, most of them actually answered that they would be happy with anything their girlfriends gave them, but they do have a preference for what they would like to do on their birthdays. 28% said that they would like to go on a “dinner date to a fancy restaurant,” followed by 16% who wanted to “stay in a hotel,” 15% who wanted to go on an “onsen date,” 13% who wanted a relaxing night in, 6% who wanted to go to a theme park (ex. Disneyland), 4% who wanted to watch sports, another 4% who wanted to eat at an average restaurant, 3% who wanted an relaxing spa date, 1% who wanted a beach date, and 10% wanting other things (miscellaneous).

I think you can see a lot of the differences between men and women right there.

Romantic Birthday

So, the birthday is as important for Japanese couples as it is for couples from many other countries. Although most couples don’t bother making plans that fall very far outside the norm, others want to be very unique as a way to show their boyfriends/girlfriends that they are special. A classmate of mine from university falls into the latter description. I remember he once wrote a poem on the back of a picture of himself that was enlarged to life size and gave it to his girlfriend at a Kobe beef steak restaurant. If I was her, I might have been embarrassed because he told me this monstrosity (imagine a Justin Bieber life-size poster) was standing behind them throughout their entire meal at a fancy restaurant. Apparently, the girl was very impressed and quite taken by the amount of thought put into her present.

Trying to make your significant others’ birthday very romantic is not only a Japanese thing, but a commonality shared among many countries. According to S(Initial) , a 35-years-old female, she dated a very romantic German man for a while and now she’s having a lot of difficulty finding a nice guy like him. Here is her description of her romantic birthday.

“On my birthday, he gave me a picture frame with three pictures in it. There were three messages, one underneath each picture. The picture on the left was of him when he was a baby and the message read “I was born into the world, and…” The middle picture was a picture of him and me together and the message read “an angel…” The one on the right was a picture of me and him hugging each other and the message read “caught me” (Her cheek turned red as she spoke). It was such a great present and I felt so happy.”

The border between cheesy and romantic is so difficult to distinguish sometimes. What’s cheesy to some is romantic to others. Personally, I think this was adorable. I hope my husband doesn’t read this article so I can do the same thing for his next birthday. Think he’ll like it?

Lame Birthday That Turns Women Away

Photo by armigeress

Although some plans work out well, like the one above, others could be considered cheesy or lame and cause women to turn away. I found and shared a few of the lame ways in which men confessed their love to women in my previous article: Japan’s “Love Confession” culture. Why not learn the type of birthday plans that turn women off, as well? It’s often said that “failure is a stepping stone to success”, right? Luckily, I found research conducted by my-navi-woman from June 3 to June 10, 2013 in which over 389 women were asked about this topic. Let me share some of them! (I apologize in advance for not being able to find one for the opposite sex, which would be “lame birthday plans that make men flee”)

「期待しといて！1日予定空けておいて」と言われて、めっちゃ期待したのに、結局ノープランだった（32歳／女性）
I was told, “Look forward to your birthday and please be available the whole day”, but he ended up having no plans. (32 year-old-woman)

How bad is that? Was the surprise that there was no surprise? If so, good work! You shocked her right out of wanting a boyfriend. I wonder why he couldn’t come up with anything, though. I mean, even a last minute idea could be a “yakiniku birthday” where you spend the whole day out eating lunch and dinner at a yakiniku restaurants and fill in the gaps at the mall letting her pick out a shirt or two.

レストランで店員さんにハッピーバースデーを歌われた。全然うれしくなかったので、喜んだふりするのが面倒だった（29歳／女性）
In a restaurant, all the waitresses sang “Happy Birthday” to me. I wasn’t happy at all, so it was difficult to pretend as if I was glad. (29 years old woman)

It seems that being sung to in front of a lot of people would more than likely be embarrassing for most adult Japanese women – perhaps most people? I certainly would be, anyhow.

ディズニーランドに行ったときに、彼氏がいろんなスタッフに「彼女の誕生日なんです」と言って至る所で歌われたこと（28歳／女性）
When we went to Disneyland, my boyfriend told every single staff member, ‘Today is my girlfriend’s birthday”, and every single one of them sang “Happy Birthday” to me at every single place. (28-year-old woman)

This may be more embarrassing than being sung to in a restaurant! Hey, since we’re at a theme park, you might as well just tar and feather me, throw pies in my face (preferably strawberry), set me up as the dunkee at a dunk tank and hire a comedian to crack jokes about me while I dirty up the water.

オリジナルソングを歌われた（35歳／女性）
I was sung an original song. (35-year-old woman)

Original songs can be a death sentence, unless you are really good at it. I think you also need to have a relationship with a few thousand miles clocked up for that to work. Perhaps not, but I think a truly good original song would come from knowing someone really well.

サプライズをするつもりが自分で事前にばらしてしまった（34歳／女性）
He was planning a surprise party for me, but he accidentally told me. (34-year-old woman)

That’s a bit careless. Maybe he was too excited about the party to keep it secret from his the person he most loved. Actually, that might be the perfect thing to say to get yourself out of that blunder.

誕生日プレゼントを宝探しのように探させたかったみたいで、暑い中蚊に刺されながら探した。プレゼントを見つけるまでに疲れ切ってしまって、もうどうでもよくなりました（30歳／女性）
He wanted me to find the present he got me, like a treasure-hunt, but it was summer and I had to look for the present outside on a very hot day while being bitten by mosquitoes. He hid it very well, so I had exhausted myself before finding it and gave up. I literally thought, “Whatever!” (30-year-old woman)

I guess he wanted to make it like an attraction in a theme park. Live and learn, I suppose. Next time make it a little easier. Not everyone wants to solve a Rubik’s Cube on their birthday.

誕生日を祝おうと言われて彼氏の家に行ったら彼の両親や家族が勢ぞろいしていた。サプライズの方向がおかしい（28歳／女性）
I was told “Let’s celebrate your birthday” by my boyfriend and I went over to his house. Then I found out that all his parents and relatives were there. It was such a weird surprise party. (28-year-old woman)

I believe that most of women need time to prepare when they meet boyfriend’s parents and his relatives. Furthermore, it is weird that only his family and relatives were there on her birthday and not her friends or family, isn’t it?

誕生日に彼氏が私の好きなアニメのコスプレをして登場した。3次元にそういうの求めていないし似合っていないし最悪だった（25歳／女性）
On my birthday, he showed up dressed as my favorite anime character. First of all, I don’t like it when 3D people try to be 2D. Furthermore, he didn’t look like the character at all. It was horrible. (25-year-old woman)

It’s pretty sad that he didn’t look like the character at all. I wonder what the character was. I hope it wasn’t a titan from “Attack on Titan” because they don’t wear any clothes.

高崎白衣大観音に連れて行かれた。渋すぎる……（29歳／女性）
I was taken to Takasaki-byakue-daikannon. It’s too cultured for me. (29-year-old woman)

Takasaki-byakue-daikannon (aka Takasaki kannon) is a huge statue of Kannon (the goddess of mercy) at Jigen-in temple in Takasaki city in Gunma prefecture. It’s height is 41.8m and it weighs 5,985 tonnes. It would be fine for a normal day, or even a date, but a temple is too cultural of place to celebrate a birthday. I wonder why he decided to take her there. Perhaps he didn’t know her very well, yet.

誕生日なのに、仕事帰りに彼氏の知り合いの誕生日会に参加された（23歳／女性）
Although it was my birthday, he joined a different birthday party after his work. (23-year-old woman)

That’s a Japanese guy for you. Not all of them, of course, but many of them make work, or even friendships between men, more of a priority than girlfriends and relationships.

So, how do couples celebrate birthdays in your country? I heard that in Portugal, celebrating before the actual birthday will bring you bad luck. Are there such birthday related superstitions where you are from? How do couples spend their time on each one’s birthday? Do they give presents and what is commonly given? What is your most memorable birthday involving a significant other?

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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Ha! You wish. Some people really truly love their two-dimensional partners. And this article is for those aspiring to become one of them.

When Love Is Not Enough: Love Plus

Whether it’s a two-dimensional girl or a two-dimensional 01100111 01110101 01111001 you’re looking for, you’re in luck. They come in all shapes and sizes, though mostly flat ones. But say you do get into a committed 2-D relationship. You’re serious about him/her. Would it be possible to actually marry my 2-D partner? Seal the deal? The answer is … probably not. I think this question on Yahoo知恵袋 (Japanese Yahoo Answers) sums it up quite well:

Q. 二次元の女性との婚姻届は出せますか？
Can I legally marry (do the marriage registration of) a 2-dimensional girl?

A. 戸籍（外国人なら婚姻要件具備証明書等の書類）が無いので無理でしょう。
Since they don’t have a koseki/family register it’s probably impossible.

It’s nice that the answerer actually came up with a real reason.

The person asking the question isn’t alone, though. There are, of course, many people who have fallen in love with a 2-D guy or girl (though mostly it’s a 2-D girl). One game that kept coming up in my research was Love Plus, a dating sim for the Nintendo DS.

I remember how back in the day when I played Hatoful Kareshi I became madly in love with one particular pigeon, only to have my hato broken. So, I can only imagine what Love Plus would do to me. Apparently this dating sim is convincing enough that people have actually married their Love Plus partner in real life, though I imagine the legality of said marriage is pretty nonexistent at best.

I do!

There are many stories of this out there about Love Plus destroying / creating marriages.

One man (known as SAL9000, pictured above) fell so in love with Nene Anegasaki (a character in Love Plus) that he married her and took her on a honeymoon to Guam. So, he and his Nintendo DS (I hope he has save file backups!) livecasted their trip on NicoNico and then held a public reception when they got back to Tokyo. [Source]

In another Love Plus story, instead creating a beautiful 2-D union the guy just ended up hurting his real life 3-D one. Koh (the guy), bought Love Plus for his DS just to see what the hype was about and found himself hooked. After committing himself to Rinko in the game, their relationship got deeper and deeper. She started calling him by his first name and began to demand more attention. BoingBoing wrote about this and did an interview about it, some of which is pasted below:

Koh, what do you and Rinko do together?
OK, this is pretty embarrassing. The DS has a mic and a touchscreen, so… one time, she asked me to say “I love you” a hundred times into the mic. I was on the airplane when she asked me that, so I was like, no way. There was also this part where you have to hold her hand on the touchscreen. If you touch her hand with the stylus, you get to hold her hand. And then there’s the part where you have to kiss her.

Did you do it?
No, no! The girl’s face shows up on the screen, and you have to touch her lips to give her a kiss. That’s pretty weird…. this is embarrassing. I’m sweating right now just talking about it. Yurie: Ew. Do people really do that? Koh: I guess some people do.

[...]

But Koh, you have a real woman in your life.
That’s why I was able to come back. Thank god! I was only stuck in that world for about a week. Also, I got hooked when I was in Japan on a business trip, so when I came back to San Francisco, I didn’t play it that much. Maybe just for a day. In the bathtub

[...]

Yeah, if I was playing too many games and that was compromising the time I spent in my real life, that would be a problem. It’s the same with Second Life or World of Warcraft. If I got too into something and couldn’t come back, that would be a problem. At the same time, though, the danger I felt when I almost got sucked into Love Plus was very human. If I was single and had gotten too into this… I don’t know, I recognized that there was a me in there that could have a real attachment to this artificial character on the other side of the DS screen. It made me think that humans could probably pretty easily develop feelings for AI robots. It’s the same with animals, right? Animals don’t speak words but you can really love them. But I do think it has something to do with the simplicity of men. I’d be really curious to see how women would react to a boy version of Love Plus.

[...]

So what is your Love Plus girlfriend doing now?
I’m too scared to find out. I’m probably going to get in big trouble if I open it after leaving her alone for several weeks. Maybe she’s dead now. That would be scary.

That’s a pretty edited version of the interview (read the full interview here), but you get the idea. The original interview included his wife as well, and she was surprisingly okay with it. She essentially said that as long as her husband knew that this was a game and that’s all, it’s okay with her. She was more concerned with the amount of time he played on it, more than anything. So, there’s hope for some of you guys yet!

Of course, there are other dating sims out there that dudes get addicted to, but this game is pretty high up there in terms of getting dudes in trouble. After coming out, wives and girlfriends got onto the internet to complain to Konami for stealing their men away. I can’t imagine the release of the 3DS helping out their cause any.

When You Love Sleeping

Personally, I’m a huge fan of sleeping. I do it every night, most nights. If only the person pillow I loved could be by my side during all those special unconscious moments! Wait! That’s a thing already!

If you head on over to Akihabara’s possibly X-rated and not X-rated shops, you’ll see all kinds of body pillows adorned with scantily clad anime ladies (and men). While this isn’t solely a Japanese thing anymore, I think it’s pretty safe to say that this whole idea either originated or got popularized in Japan.

One man, Nisan, was written about in the New York Times Magazine. The “how they met” story brings a tear to my eye.

Their first encounter — at a comic-book convention that Nisan’s gaming friends dragged him to in Tokyo — was serendipitous. Nisan was wandering aimlessly around the crowded exhibition hall when he suddenly found himself staring into Nemutan’s bright blue eyes. In the beginning, they were just friends. Then, when Nisan got his driver’s license a few months later, he invited Nemutan for a ride around town in his beat-up Toyota. They went to a beach, not far from the home he shares with his parents in a suburb of Tokyo. It was the first of many road trips they would take together. As they got to know each other, they traveled hundreds of miles west — to Kyoto, Osaka and Nara, sleeping in his car or crashing on friends’ couches to save money. They took touristy pictures under cherry trees, frolicked like children on merry-go-rounds and slurped noodles on street corners. Now, after three years together, they are virtually inseparable. “I’ve experienced so many amazing things because of her,” Nisan told me, rubbing Nemutan’s leg warmly. “She has really changed my life.”

Nisan of course knows she’s not real, but the love is, he says.

“Of course she’s my girlfriend,” he said, widening his eyes as if shocked by the question. “I have real feelings for her.”

It’s not just Nisan, either, though Nisan is much more public with his love for Nemutan because he takes her around everywhere. There are thousands of other people just like him who feel an emotional attachment to their dakimakura, and it’s turned into a kind of subculture where people make custom designs, sell them, buy them, and gather together to talk about them. One very important factor I learned about was the type of fabric. Smooth knit is good. I guess that’s the kind of thing you go on since the personality of the pillow is whatever you want it to be.

This culture is getting larger and larger too, it seems to me, and I don’t think it will slow down. We’ll talk about this more in the next section, but before we do that I just wanted to mention that if you’re looking for your very own special pillow someone, Tofugu actually runs the number one body pillow dating site in the world, so find Your One True Threadcount™ today!

When 2(D) Is More Real Than 3(D)

You may be wondering… why in the world would someone love a two-dimensional person??? While I don’t know from my own experience (except with my beautiful birdfriend Nageki Fujishiro. WHERE ARE YOU COME BACK TO ME!), similar themes came up again and again when I read through articles and research. Surprisingly, after reading so much I’ve come to realize it’s not actually all that weird and makes sense in a way. I’m not saying it’s for me, but I can see why people would feel and think this way.

First lets start with some general numbers about 2-D characters. How wide-spread is this phenomenon?L et’s take a look at a study done by 瞬刊！リサーチNEWS in May of 2013.

Q. Do you have an ideal man/woman from a 2-D world?

MEN (Answers：17,387)
- Yes: 33.6％
- No: 48.5％
- I don’t read manga and don’t watch anime: 17.8％

WOMEN (Answers：18,767)
- Yes: 40.9％
- Now: 42.9％
- I don’t read manga and don’t watch anime: 16.2％

Surprisingly, that’s 33.6% of men and 40.9% of women who said yes, they do have an ideal man/woman from a 2-D world. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of these people are in love with an two dimensional character. Far from it. It does however show how anime/manga characters are personifications of “ideal” people you’d want to know or be with. With so many of them, of course you run into one or two that match the kind of girl or guy you’d want to date. But, that’s the same as with TV dramas or movies too, and these have real people in them. So, it’s not all that different from that. Children idolize cartoon superhero characters all the time. They want to be them, which isn’t all that different from wanting to be with a cartoon character, I’d say. The line that’s drawn has to do with knowing or thinking that you can be with them. I think Japan’s line is a lot harder to see.

The difference with Japan I think is the saturation of 2-D characters. If all you see is 2-D, and if this many people are able to idealize a 2-D character, then of course some of them are going to fall in love with them too. It’s still a very small subset of people that do this, but if you throw enough cats at the wall, one or two are going to stick, you know?

So what happens if you ask a similar question, but only with otakus. Someone took a group of 500 otaku dudes and polled them already, and here are the results:

Q. What Kind Of Females Do You Like?

2D Women: 23%
2.5D Women: 9.6%
Real Women: 65.8%
*2.5d = three dimensional animated girls

So, out of the otaku subset, you have around 30% of them who reportedly prefer not-real women. Of course, preference doesn’t mean you’re dating a body pillow, but you are leaning in that direction, at least.

There are a few generalized reasons why otaku dudes are more likely to fall for a 2D girl rather than a real one as well, from what I’ve read of individual experiences:

1. There are way more otaku guys than girls. So, since otakus are more likely to date other otakus (rather than outside this otaku circle), there are fewer possible girls to date.
2. It’s harder for otakus to find dates with real people. This is partly due to shyness and partly due to confidence and partly due to lifestyle choices, supposedly.
3. Otaku tend to have very good imaginations from all the anime, manga, and storytelling that they are surrounded by. The better your imagination, the easier it is to imagine the ideal personality onto a figure, body pillow, etc. The inanimate object “comes to life” in their head because of their vivid imagination.

There are also other reasons as well. Things like bad previous relationships often play a part. Not-real people won’t hurt you or leave you or cheat on you, after all. But, if you’re not 100% committed to this lifestyle you could be hurting somebody else, too! A real person! There are so many stories of desperate girlfriends trying to make their guys love them when a 2-D girl is creating competition. Here are some summaries of people having trouble with this from various blogs, forums, and websites:

One girl complained that she has a boyfriend who can only date 2-D girls… but he loves her, though he’s sick of 3-D girls. [source]

Another girl (who also likes anime) has feelings for a guy who loves 2-D. They enjoy talking about anime together too. When she asked him if he has someone on his mind, he replied by saying he only loves 2-D girls. She wants to kokuhaku but is afraid he’ll reject him. [Source]

Another post had a list of replies on why they can only love 2-D characters. One said that it’s not that they can only love 2-D, but that they’ve never been loved by 3-D. Someone replied saying that they are the same, and only 2-D girls would accept them. Another guy talked about how the more he learned about 3-D girls, the more he loved 2-D ones. Then there’s others who said that they don’t get tired of 2-D women (like they do with 3-D ones) and yet another that said they don’t want to be hurt by a real woman, so they choose 3-D. [Source]

There was also a girl I read about who loved 2-D characters. She says she’ll never be hurt this way. She pretends she’s looking for a boyfriend so people don’t think she’s weird, but she knows that if she had a boyfriend it would take time away from being able to think about her manga characters, so she doesn’t actually want a boyfriend that much. [Source]

And lastly, there’s one person who thinks that loving 2-D women is a form of evolution. I think this was the plot of one X-Men comic I read. He says that a normal guy’s brain wave reacts when they watch porn because they live in the 3-D world. However, a 2-D lover doesn’t have the same reaction when watching 3-D porn. It does react when they watch 2-D anime, though. He further goes on to state that this is proof of some kind of evolution that allows men to survive using less energy. Around 10% of otaku guys have this evolved brain pattern. Look out, lesser-humans! [Source]

So there you have it. Maybe more people than you thought are into the 2-D. Maybe you knew it all along because you’re on the front lines. Hopefully you understand better why it goes on. I think one issue out there is that most people just automatically assume all these people are serial killers. To be honest, they’re all probably nice people. Many of them lead very normal lives (besides all this). While I’m not one to be a part of this lifestyle, I’m not going to judge it as well… poke fun? Maybe a little. But, I hope you’re nice in the comments as well. Read some of the linked articles and stories, it’s quite fascinating and interesting.

Main thing is you don’t let your 2-D or 3-D loves get in the way with each other, I think. The 3-D one will win every time. Question I have, though: is it real murder if you come home to your Nintendo DS broken in half and then drowned in water?

ANGRY KOICHI SAYS BE NICE IN THE COMMENTS, OK?

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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[1280x800] ∙ [2560x1600] ∙ [1280x800 Animated] ∙ [700x438 Animated]

However, things are quite different in Japan. Everything starts from the act of 告白 (kokuhaku), which is confessing your love and asking them to go out with you. Now, let’s learn more about kokuhaku!

The Art Of Kokuhaku

告白(こくはく/kokuhaku), literally means “confession”, and it is done when a man or a woman declares their love to another, and hopes to begin dating that person. The most basic way of confessing this is to say:

好きです。付き合ってください。
すきです。つきあってください。
Sukidesu.Tsukiattekudasai.

This translates to “I love you, can we start seeing each other? The 付き合う(つきあう/tsukiau) part means “dating”, “seeing each other”, or “having a relationship” in English. This is a very common phrase used for this kind of confession and you may have heard it, or a phrase similar to it, once or twice in Japanese movies or anime. If accepted, it marks the beginning of a “serious” boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Like real grown-up stuff.

You may go out with the person a few times or go out on a group date, but your relationship hasn’t technically started until this love confession, aka kokuhaku, occurs. The prospect of entering into this kind of relationship is sometimes so overwhelming that people even “confess their love” before the first date, followed by a sheepish invitation to an event with just the two of you. As you might guess, professing your love to someone as a precursor to saying hello for the first time might not be the most logical way of getting hitched, but as you’ll see, it often appears to some men as be the best overall option.

And after this confession, if you go out with another woman or man, it may be called “cheating” because after the kokuhaku you two have officially started being exclusive. At this point, it’s the same as any serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in Western culture. So, when I started seeing my Canadian husband, I met some other girls who were also dating foreigners. One of them warned me that I should be aware of their cheating. She even told me ‘Mami, you know, they are all cheaters!’. Maybe some of them are but I doubt that all of them are cheating. I believe that she thought so because she misunderstood the differences in the initial stages of dating between the two cultures.

Speaking of misunderstanding foreigners often say that they don’t understand what Japanese girls or boys are thinking because when they go out on dates they aren’t even allowed to touch their hands. But, when the foreigner asks about the possibility of another date and they answer: “Sure! What is it?” … in that case they may be waiting for your kokuhaku. The love confession is like a switch. Once the switch is flipped, they can get into relationship mode. In other words, they usually don’t act like a boyfriend or a girlfriend when they are not officially dating, although it is not very common to touch, hug, or kiss in public in Japan anyway.

Is It Like Or Is It Love?

The concept of “like” and “love” in Japanese may be a little difficult for you to gauge because the word “suki” could mean both/either “like” or “love.”

Although we have a word for “to love” or “I love you” (愛している／あいしてる／aishiteru), we barely use it. Granted, if you throw enough beer into the stomachs of two dudes who have been friends since childhood, you’ll inevitably hear the “I love you man!” “No way, I love you!” argument. But, aishiteru is just the equivalent of the words we reserve for those truly special in our lives. This is when the words aren’t just said, but felt as well.

More simply, aishiteru has a completely different weight to it than than the words suki or even daisuki (really like). In many ways, it holds more gravity than when English speakers say “I love you” because people can “love” donuts or movies or even use it the hashtag #love to describe a picture of something they took on their phones. Aishiteru, however, is used for only one purpose.

So, I think the confusion comes from the translation and how the words are perceived in the various cultures. You might say “I love you” in English and we might say “suki” in Japanese. To us, suki can mean “love” but it isn’t the same kind of love as aishiteru, which is when you’re actually feeling love for another person. That’s why when you’re confessing your “love” for someone in Japanese, it isn’t as big of a deal because you’re saying you love them, but in the same way you might say you love a donut. So, you know, you say “love” and we say “suki” and you say “love” and we say “aishiteru.” Keep that in mind while we talk about kokuhaku so you don’t get the wrong impression.

Anyways, a Japanese man and woman’s relationship usually starts from this big “confession” event. If you were in Japan, your Japanese friends would probably ask you whether person X has confessed to you yet, even after a couple of dates. You may be wondering why Japanese people let their love interests known and that they intend to date them, in a committed way, even before the first date. Sometimes adults make their love confessions in this way:

結婚を前提にお付き合いさせてください
けっこんをぜんていにおつきあいさせてください
kekkon o zentei ni otsukiai sasetekudasai

This means “I would like to have a relationship with you with the objective of an eventual marriage.” Some people think it’s a waste of time to date someone who doesn’t plan on getting married at any point in the near future, if at all. Actually, it’s a rather practical way of starting a relationship if you are looking to tie the knot.

You Need Courage To Kokuhaku

Now, if you really like a Japanese person and want to start a serious relationship with them, then the next step is to confess your love. Although you may not be afraid of telling the one you love that you love them, things are quite different in Japan. According to research about “love confessions” conducted by Unilever Japan in 2011, out of 300 Japanese women and men (high school students, university students and another group of people in their 20’s), 79% of them answered that they can’t perform the act of confessing. The top two reasons for it were:

1. Because I don’t know what he/she thinks of me.
2. Because I don’t have enough confidence in myself.

25% of them also answered that they would confess if they were more than 90% certain that their kokuhaku would be accepted, 43% of them said they would take a shot with 70% odds, and 22% of them would try if the possibility is 50-50.

However, in the same journal, people who regretted confessing was only 21% whereas people who regretted not confessing was a much larger 52%. Moreover, 55% of people answered that they may start liking someone if they were confessed to, even though they had never thought of the confessor as a girlfriend or boyfriend. So, why don’t you head out there and profess how you truly feel! No regrets! 告白しよう!

Lame Ways Men Confess Their Love To Women

So now you’ve heard basically all there is to know about Japanese “love” confession culture… that is, except for its failures. According to research conducted by My-navi-woman from July 27, 2013 to August 2, 2013, 124 out of 476 women have actually turned the confessor down because of how lame, or even scary, their confession came off as. So, what kind of confessions turned them away? Let’s have a look so you won’t make the same mistake that these men made.

メールで告白された。しかも朝の5時に。（33歳／女性）
He confessed that he loved me via text. On top of that, it was 5am. (33 year-old female)

Maybe there was a time difference he didn’t account for? If not, it was kind of rude to send a text to people while they are probably sleeping. Although the number of people that confess their love (or even break up) by texting is increasing, I personally don’t like it either. It’s like you are telling them that you aren’t serious about the relationship.

「俺、ヒモになりたい」と言ってきた人がいた。あり得ない。（32歳／女性）
One guy told me, “I wanna be your string.” Unbelievable! (32 year-old female)

You may be wondering why saying “I wanna be your string” is so bad. String, aka 紐 (ひも/himo) in Japaneseis used for guys that are like pimps, mostly in that they depend on their wife or girlfriend’s income. They also are often associated with abusive relationships. It’s really strange and doesn’t sound like a love confession at all. At least he’s being honest-ish?

「俺と両親を養ってくれ」と言われた。ドン引きした。（28歳／女性）
I was asked, “Can you financially support me and my parents?” I was totally turned off. (28 years-old female)

Now, I have a little more faith in men than this, so I prefer to believe that this was actually a marriage proposal. Let me explain. I imagine a situation in which the woman really wanted to get married, but the guy didn’t. He contemplated a nice way to break up with her for a long time and realized that this proposal would end the relationship and make her not feel so badly about splitting… And he succeeded! Yay! Good for them. I don’t know, it’s all just a part of my imagination, but I can’t imagine anything else going on here.

同じ職場の人から、長い手紙で告白された。何となく見かけたことがある程度なのに長々と文章が書かれていた。あまりにもいろんなことが書かれていて怖かった。（26歳／女性）
I was confessed to in a long letter from my co-worker. Although I’d never talked to him before and only knew his face, the letter was so long and mentioned so many things. It actually creeped me out. (26-years-old female)

It’s pretty scary that somebody who you don’t know at all actually knows you quite well. Although you may fall in love with a girl at first sight and follow her around for a while, long enough to learn a lot about her, you would be much better off not disclosing all the things you’ve learned while stalking her when you talk to her (or write to her) for the first time. I’m sorry I have to state the obvious here because apparently some people need to know.

電車内で見知らぬ男性から「ずっと片思いしてました、友達からでいいのでお付き合いしてください！」と、車両中に響く声で告白された。怖くて、結婚しているとうそをついて断ってしまったが、当分その電車に一人で乗れなかった。（31歳／女性）
On the train, I was confessed to by a stranger who very loudly said, “I’ve unrequitedly loved you for a long time. It’s okay for me to start being friends, but could we start our relationship, instead?” I was scared and lied to him that I was married. I stopped riding the train for a while. (31-year-old female)

This isn’t the only public blunder as it seems that many other public confessions fail in their attempts as well.

告白と同時にいきなり後ろから抱きつかれた。告白だと理解する前に恐怖を感じてしまった。（29歳／女性）
He hugged me from behind my back and then confessed his love. Before realizing that it was his confession, I felt really threatened. (29-year-old female)

Maybe he couldn’t restrain his feelings, but it’s seriously scary, especially for Japanese people who don’t have a hugging culture. He definitely jumped the gun.

漫画のキャラクターの名前を挙げて、それよりもかわいいから付き合ってと言われた。（25歳／女性）
He listed off some female anime characters names and told me that I’m cuter than they are and that’s why he wanted to date me. (25-year-old female)

Although he probably just thought it was an adorable way to tell her that she was attractive, it sounds kind of nerdy and I assume most women would be turned off from hearing a confession of that sort.

相手の人が履歴書を持参して、延々と説明をして、すでに結婚モードになっていたことが昔あります。（40歳／女性）
He gave me his resume and explained what kind of person he is and that he was thinking about marrying me. This happened a long time ago though.(40-year-old female)

Like I mentioned above, some Japanese people want to start a relationship when marriage is the goal. He may have done it this way just to show that he is serious about marriage and would be faithful, but I think it was a bit too much.

高校生のとき、朝学校にいったら黒板に私宛てに愛の告白文が書かれていた。他の友達にもバレて、恥ずかしかった。（29歳／女性）
When I was a high school student, there was a confession written on the blackboard when I arrived at school one morning. It was embarrassing because it was revealed to all my friends. (29-year-old woman)

This happens sometimes when you’re young. Your feelings overcome reason and you don’t realize that this potentially embarrassing event will be known to everyone in school. I think this also happened once when I was in junior high, although I was just an onlooker wearing a huge grin.

年賀状で告白された。親にも見られて恥ずかしかった。（31歳／女性）
I was confessed to on a New Years card. It was embarrassing because my parents saw it. (31-year-old woman)

One tradition in Japan is to exchange Happy New Year cards, but those postcards are not enclosed in envelopes like Western Christmas cards, so his confession was right there for anyone to see.

いきなり小さなバラの花束を持ってきての告白。同じ学校の人でしたが、話したことはなく、一度目が合っただけだそうです。（32歳／女性）
He suddenly approached me with a bouquet of roses and confessed his love for me. He went to the same school as me, but I’d never talked to him before. In fact, I had only ever seen him one time before this. (32-year-old woman)

Women like flowers but not from strangers. Although, this might be different if you are a foreigner. If a foreigner approached me with flowers, I’d accept it as it his culture.

いきなり給与明細を見せてきた。（26歳／女性）
He suddenly showed me his pay slip. (26 years old woman)

Whether his payment was a little or a lot, this would definitely turn most women away, not just Japanese women.

–

All in all, you may have found this system of “love confessions” to be a bit weird compared to your culture, but I personally think that this system helps to make relationships clear from the beginning and also makes it easier to start dating. Because of this, we don’t usually need to have that awkward moment of asking “Are we serious about each other?” or “Are we exclusive?” or even “Do you love me?” Men know what is to be expected of them upon doing their kokuhaku and women know what is expected of them upon accepting.

So, confession time! What’s the lamest confession you’ve ever been given, seen, or heard about? Or, what do you think was the worst kokuhaku from the list above? Confess that information to me in the comments down below.

My husband and I met in Kyoto, Japan, where we were both working. The first culture shock I experience was when he showed up to one of our early dates in roller blades. You may wonder what the problem with that is, but I felt so embarrassed by it. It’s something that would never happen if you were dating a Japanese guy, as roller skates or roller blades really leave a corny impression on us because of an old fashion male idol group called 光GENJI(Hikaru-genji)

They were popular from the end of 80’s to the beginning of 90’s. NOT modern times. What was he doing on roller blades?

Is this a cultural difference?

It’s sometimes called “a love beyond borders”, but there are obviously many cultural differences experienced while dating a non-Japanese person. In my case, of course the roller blade story was not the only one. Long before meeting him I had learned from movies and television that Western people aren’t shy about kissing in public, but I didn’t know that they also wouldn’t mind farting in public. I don’t know. It may only be my husband. Yeah, it probably is.

However, my point is that many things that we may think to be a cultural difference may just be some personal attribute. So, I’d like to point out that the following list I’m going to utilize to explain what it’s like to date a non-Japanese person are simply examples of what some people in relationships with someone outside their own nationality have noticed and there it is likely that many people won’t fit or agree with these examples. Please don’t be upset if they seem not to fit your perceptions. At this point in our lives we must all be aware of how opinions can vary.

Preliminary Information

As I just mentioned above, we gain some sort of preliminary information from movies, TV series and other such productions. As in the movies, my husband has the “ladies first” spirit and he felt weird when he realized that a man is actually the first person to be served in a Japanese restaurant or such. He also does refer to me with various kinds of affectionate names, such as ‘Honey’, ‘Babe’, ‘Sweetheart’, ‘Dear’, and ‘Cutie’. If I was called such things by a Japanese guy, goosebumps would likely appear on my arms because I would find it too cheesy. However, when my Canadian husband calls me those things, it’s fine because I was already aware that this was a common thing.

Now, because Canadians often pronounce ‘t’ as a soft ‘d’, it made the name ‘Cutie’ sound like the Japanese word ‘Kyuuri’, which means cucumber. My mother was a quite surprised to learn that my husband was calling me ‘cucumber’, as well as a little upset to learn that he named me after a well known pig from the Australian movie ‘Babe’.

However, some background knowledge can be very misleading. We watch people say “I love you” in movies all the time. I was even taught in school that you only use ‘like’ to describe things but never ‘people’ and if you were to say ‘I like you’ to a person, that would be rude, especially if they were saying “I love you” first. Darn Japanese English classes!

I still remember when he first asked me what I thought about him shortly after we started seeing each other and I answered ‘I love you’. His face turned red and his expressions contorted the meaning of, ‘really? love? what?’, although he should have considered the possibility that I hadn’t had enough experience with English to know that that phrase was a VERY big phrase. Anyway, I felt embarrassed. At the time I didn’t know that a more appropriate starter would have been ‘I like you’ and once you actually feel ‘love’ for the person is when you change the word.

After saying “I love you”, I quickly realized from his reaction that it was the wrong answer and stopped saying it until I actually felt so, but my English was so bad at the time that I couldn’t even explain why I said that. A couple years later, I arbitrarily opened his email inbox and found an email that he had written around that same day that I first said it. I forget to whom it was written to, but  he wrote “Mami said ‘I love you’ lol”. I was kind of shocked to see it and felt embarrassed again. Well, of course we had a little fight afterward and he changed his password, too. Good thinking.

Misleading English-Japanese Background Knowledge

Speaking of misleading English that I had learned in school, ‘should’ and ‘maybe’ might be two of the most commonly misunderstood words. As for the former, I was taught that it’s translated into ‘verb+べきだ(bekida)’, which is used in Japanese to strongly advise something. So, whenever he suggested something for me to do, I sometimes thought he was playing the role of the “commander” until I learned it’s actually just used in a suggestive way.

If he said “We should go see a movie this weekend”, I considered that to be a plan that he has made. However, when the weekend comes and I ask “What movie are we seeing today?”, he’ll have no clue what I’m talking about or even how I came to think we were going to see a movie. I would tell him that he told me that’s what we were going to do, but he’ll say “I said no such thing”. It got a little confusing at times.

Photo by Melonparty

As for the latter (maybe), I was taught that it’s translated into ‘たぶん(tabun)’ or ‘verb+かもしれない（kamoshirenai)‘, which can mean ‘maybe’ but sometimes it also means “probably”. Either way, my point is that when my husband uses “maybe”, I know now that it is much less likely to happen than I expected it would be. For example, let’s look at the conversation below.

Mami: “So, my birthday party is on April 9. Can you come?”
Friend: “Maybe/Tabun I will.”

If the friend is a Japanese, she/he will most likely show up, or at least call or text you to let you know if they can’t show up. However, if it’s he/she is a Westerner, things are quite different. So let’s say my party finishes and they wind up not coming and they never notified me of it, it’s needless to say that I’d be pretty disappointed. However, if at this point I asked them why they never showed up, apparently an acceptable answer is “I said that maybe I would come.”

Although none of the occasions on which this happened were actually my birthday, my husband and I have had conversations similar to these many times. I finally learned that the answer ‘maybe’ doesn’t always mean that the person is actually considering the suggestion unless someone brings up the idea again later on. Most of the time, however, what it actually indicates is that the thing is not likely to happen because it’s an answer that shows minimal interest.

Punctuality

Another difference that you may want to be mindful of if you are dating a Japanese person is punctuality. Many Japanese people are very punctual, except for people from Okinawa. Again, it may not be everyone from Okinawa, but people there tend not to be too bothered with time. We call it Okinawa Time.

When I was working in Kyoto I had a colleague from Okinawa. He told me a story that illustrates the concept of Okinawa Time. One day, he was supposed to meet his classmate at 6pm. On his way there he received a message from his friend and he was shocked because it said “Sorry, I’m going to be 5 minutes late.” In the end, my Okinawan friend arrived after his “5 minutes late” friend. To him, 5 minutes is nothing because he was on Okinawan time. I think Okinawa Time and many foreigners’ time is very similar.

Now, I wouldn’t say that foreigners aren’t punctual, but I feel that many of those that I’ve met so far also think that ‘5 minutes’ isn’t a big deal. My husband wouldn’t consider that as being late and he definitely wouldn’t feel the need to text me about it. I’m not a strict person either so I’m not bothered by 5 minutes, but I may send a text to my friends because some Japanese people place a considerable amount of importance on punctuality. They think it’s rude to be late without any notification, even if it’s only 5 minutes. Whether it’s for social events, business meetings, or getting onto a train, punctuality is so important in Japanese society, so make sure you pay attention to the time!

The Evil Bathroom Door

After I came to Canada from Japan, the first cultural difference I faced that I needed to get used to involved the bathroom door. Here in Canada, people leave the door open if nobody is in there. It also shows that it’s not occupied. However, in Japan, it’s not good manners to leave the door open. It took me a while to get used to leaving the door open, but also, and most importantly, not to open the door if it’s closed. I finally learned this when I made my brother-in-law rather upset by interrupting him when he was enjoying a long sit-down and reading Harry Potter. We now call this ‘Harry Potter time’.

Love Conquers All Evil Misunderstandings (Hopefully)

All in all, you and your partner will get accustomed to many differences and soon come to not be bothered by such things anymore, so long as you love the person. It’s also kind of fun to learn of those differences, isn’t it? There is also always some communication barrier and no matter how much improvement you make, there will always be another conversation that you completely misunderstood. At times, you may struggle to explain what you are thinking or how you are feeling in that moment, so it’s important to be patient and listen to what is being said until you understand each other.

It’s clear that with a topic such as this, one could go on and on about all the funny, frustrating, silly and dramatic things that can arise in a relationship simply as a result of the partners being from different countries. It’s a great experience, but one you may just have to try to experience on your own. Do any of you have experiences like these that you’d like to share with us? Do you have any questions for me about this topic? Did you enjoy this entry? I love hearing from you, so please leave your thoughts in the comment section below. Arigatou!

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