Now, picture all those family trips, and merge it with memories of when your family comes to visit you at home. Have you ever moved to a new city and then acted as your family’s tour guide when they came to see you? Great—now imagine that you made a really big deal out of this city for a long time. You read books, you watched movies, you even studied a completely new language because you were so into this place. You talked about it a lot, even though maybe nobody else was particularly interested. Let’s call that place Japan (my city was Tokyo, but obviously yours might be different). Can you picture it? Now your family is coming to visit and they want you to show them around. Feel that mixture of pride and panic? What are you going to do? How is this going to work?

It’s been about three years now since this happened to me, but I still remember plenty of tidbits of wisdom from my own experience. I was studying abroad in Tokyo when my grandparents, mom, and great-aunt flew over for a ten day adventure in Japan, traveling from Tokyo to Hakone, Kanazawa, Kyoto and back, from March 6 to 16, 2011 (yes, during the Tohoku earthquake). Looking back, I can think of two major considerations that you need to think of when you do this.

1. Taking care of them (especially if they don’t know anything about the country) and…
2. Taking advantage of their company.

Let’s get started by looking at the first one.

Taking Care Of Your Family

When it comes to taking care of your family, there are three main things to think about. Food, shelter, transportation, and weather. Pretty basic, right? Still, there’s a lot of little things you have to keep in mind. It’s your family’s first trip, after all, and with the new location they may not be thinking about these things in quite the right way, so it’s your job to think for them!

Feeding Your Family:

If you’re from a culture that’s very different from Japan, food might end up being the biggest challenge. Not to mention each family member will have different tastes. My family, for example, is not fond of seafood, which makes choice in Japan pretty limiting. Maybe your family has a vegetarian or (God forbid) a vegan. Japan’s vegetarian/vegan scene is near nonexistent. There are certain Japanese foods I’ve found to be generally acceptable (at least to a Western palette) includes:

• Noodles (ramen, udon, soba)
• Donburi (a bowl of rice with some kind of meat on top)
• Tempura
• Curry (which is sweeter than Indian curry and kind of similar to stew).

Going beyond Japanese cuisine, you can usually find “Western” options like Italian or steak restaurants, although it will be fairly different from what your family is used to. In the bigger cities, you may recognize some Western chain restaurants (and of course, that includes McDonalds).

Quick Tips:

• Be careful with the curry restaurants—they leave a strong impression. My mother is convinced that curry is all we ate.
• Sometimes Japanese-language menus have different prices than English ones, so if you can read Japanese you may want to get at least one Japanese menu.
• If you do, watch out for the katakana. I accidentally ordered raw beef on the trip because I didn’t connect タルタル (tarutaru) with tartare (raw beef). I ate it anyway, and now it’s a family joke.
• Convenience stores usually have something for everyone. It’s a good way to start the day for breakfast, plus they can marvel at how not sketchy things are.

If you really want to impress your family with “weird” Japanese food (it’s not weird, but your family will maybe think it is), okonomiyaki is very foreigner-friendly. Call it a Japanese Pizza or a Japanese Pancake (I’ve heard it both ways), it has a simple base of flour, egg, and shredded lettuce and is topped with mayonnaise and a sweet glaze, and you can add pretty much anything you want to it. For bonus points, make sure the restaurant has table grills so you can watch a waiter cook it in front of you and/or make it yourself. Everyone can order something different and cut their pancake into pieces to share. I took my family to a restaurant like this in Shibuya on their second night, and they talk about it to this day!

If your family has dietary restrictions, first be aware that a lot of Japanese soy sauces are made with gluten, and they are used in a lot of dishes. Restaurants and waitstaff may not be very familiar with gluten allergies, so people with sensitivity to gluten should exercise their own judgement when eating out. Vegetarians may need to do the same, because I’ve seen waiters recommend “肉なし” (niku nashi–no meat) dishes that had fish or even processed meat. “Niku nashi” ramen or other soups may have beef or fish broth. (Nobody’s trying to trick anyone, it’s just that not everyone shares the same idea of what constitutes meat). You can usually find more tips for working around these issues in travel guides and on blogs like NeverEndingVoyage.com.

Where To Stay:

As for hotels, keep in mind the age and health of the people you’re traveling with! My friends and I had a blast at a ryoukan in Nikkou, but you should probably avoid Japanese-style rooms if you are traveling with older people. If they didn’t grow up sleeping on the floor, it will probably be too hard on their backs and joints now. For the same reason, you may want to be aware of how close your hotel is to public transportation to avoid long walks.

Quick Tips

• You may want to double-check whether your proposed hotel is meant for business travelers, particularly if you’re sharing rooms. We ended up with a salaryman-type hotel in Kyoto and it was noticeably more cramped than our other hotels.
• If you’re traveling with younger family members then capsule hotels may be a lot of fun (for one or two nights). Keep in mind that the bath may be shared. Some people aren’t going to be comfortable with that.

While I like to think that a hotel is just a place to sleep between activities, there’s a couple of general pointers I’d like to throw out there. First, Japanese hotels tend to be smaller than their Western counterparts. Second, hotels that come with breakfast are awesome. Usually (but not always) the breakfasts are quite nice. Third, in general, hotels near main stations are going to be pricey when compared to their quality. If you stay at a hotel next to a station that isn’t the biggest in the city, or if you are able to stay somewhere a little further from the station, prices are going to drop down a bit. Just depends on how much money you want to spend!

How To Travel:

You can travel in Japan by foot, bicycle, car, taxi, or airplane… but train is by far the easiest and most efficient when it’s available (and it’s available a lot). Foreign tourists can and should buy the Japan Rail Pass, which offers unlimited passage on JR trains, including the shinkansen (bullet train) for 7, 14, or 21 consecutive days. There is one caveat, though: It can only be purchased outside of Japan and is invalid for non-tourist visas, so if you are studying abroad or working in Japan, no JR Pass for you. Use the online route planner at Hyperdia.com to figure out which train you want and what transfers you may need to take, then make your free seat reservations at the JR office in any major train station. The best guide I’ve seen for the JR Pass can be found here.

There are also going to be times where it may be worth taking a taxi. Grandma can’t walk as much as she used to, after all. Split between several family members the cost isn’t too terrible, though it is definitely going to be more expensive than taking the train. Taxis are everywhere, but just make sure you know where you want to go. A surprising number of taxi drivers seem to not know their cities very well. That being said, taxis are plentiful. If you find them lacking, though (maybe you’re visiting someplace pretty inaka aka the countryside) you can find taxi phone numbers inside of phone booths or you can simply ask the clerk at a convenience store to call a taxi service for you. Make sure to buy a bottle of tea or an onigiri as a way to say arigato.

How To Pack:

My grandparents are well-traveled and usually take one big bag for the two of them on their trips, so they were a little skeptical when I told them to bring a carry-on sized bag for each of them. It’s easier to maneuver on the shinkansen, subway, and buses, and lighter to carry (or wheel) if and when you need to walk part of the way to the hotel. Not to mention the crowded subway and train stations – A giant bag like that will just get in the way. I think they admitted I was right when we had to walk up a mountain in Hakone.

As for what to pack, the only special advice I gave my family was to bring their own medications (you can get things like basic painkillers in Japan, of course, but the dosages are different) hygiene products, and to not worry too much about forgetting anything else, because you can probably buy it in Japan. They were seriously worried when I told them a lot of shrines, temples, and other sites don’t have toilet paper in their bathrooms though, and packed a good supply of personal tissues (but if you spend a lot of time in a big city like Tokyo, you’ll probably pick up a collection of free personal tissues anyway).

I also recommended to my family to bring a little less than they think they need. There are washers and dryers in most hotels. Plus, if you find yourself running out of tshirts or underwear, there’s always a Uniqlo nearby to get you through a couple more days. You’re also going to surely bring back a lot of things too. That means extra space in your suitcase will help your family to accommodate the purchases made along the way. Keeping everything in that one carry-on suitcase will make those mountain treks all the more pleasant.

Seasons & Weather:

Finally, think about the weather! This will really depend on where your family is from and what they’re used to, but I’ll try my best. My mom, for example, refuses to ever travel to Japan again in March because it was “too cold,” so maybe she’d like something a little warmer. That being said, your family may be from Greenland, so avoiding August may be a good idea (you may be shocked at hot hot and humid Japan can get). Here are some general tips about the weather. Please adjust accordingly to your family’s preferences.

January, February, March: New Years is a lot of fun and something your family may enjoy. That being said, it’s pretty cold. But, if your family can deal with the cold, it also happens to be one of the driest, sunniest times of the year for Japan. Plus, after New Years tourist spots are less crowded. It’s a win-win unless you can only do warmer weather. The Northern half of Japan is probably getting some snow. Hokkaido is probably buried in it.

April: Cherry blossom season is happening. There’s a little more rain, but in general it’s pretty sunny (though still kind of cold). It’s warmer than January-March, for sure, but only just by a little. The end of April is Golden Week, so if you don’t like crowds and lots of people traveling, avoid this time.

May: The beginning of May is also Golden Week. Same thing applies: Lots of people are traveling, lots of places are crowded. That being said, after Golden Week everyone goes back to their regular lives and the weather is pretty nice. Not too hot, not too cold. Slightly rainier, but not super rainy (unless you’re down in Okinawa, then expect some rain).

June, July, August: Welcome to rainy season. It’s going to be overcast and rainy, so this might be something worth avoiding. June/July is a nice time to visit Hokkaido. After the rainy season (early or mid June) it becomes hot and humid. Like, really hot and humid. July and August are not good times for people who don’t like heat and humidity. Note that typhoon season really gets going in August.

September, October: These two months tend to consist of more typhoons. It’s not constant typhoon after typhoon, but they can put a damper on your travel plans. Usually by mid or late October the typhoons stop, making October a nice time to travel (once the humidity breaks, anyways). It’s hard to know exactly when this will happen, but second half of October is a pretty good bet.

November, December: Like January – March, these months are fairly dry and not rainy. The temperature is usually a little warmer in November too, making it a nice time to travel. Some warm-weather loving families won’t be too pleased with the weather, but the lack of rain and the lack of freezing temperatures make it a pretty safe bet to travel. December is more of the same, though colder. It does lead up to New Years though, which is fun!

For a full breakdown of weather, month-by-month, be sure to visit Japan-Guide’s When To Travel page.

For my family, when they came in March it was too cold for them (thank goodness they didn’t come November-February!). There was still snow at the time, and waiting in line to get into museums and other tourist attractions wasn’t their idea of fun. We even rode some tourist buses in a full circle, waiting for the lines to die down (then we got out and went inside the museum).

Taking Advantage Of Your Family (Not Just Paying For Things)

Photo Jim G

Before my family came to visit, I had already been to Kanazawa and Kyoto, so I can say this having experienced both sides: while you and your friend may try to play it cool on your backpacking trip (fooling no one, by the way), when you’re with your family, there is no way to look less like a tourist. Give up and embrace it. There are lots of embarrassingly touristy things to do that can actually be pretty fun.

First of all, embrace the tours and tour guides, in whatever form they come in. In Nara my friend and I avoided the volunteers at Nara Station out of a mix of bashfulness and youthful desire to somehow seem less touristy. My grandparents possessed neither sentiment and off we went, trailing behind an energetic English-speaking retiree who literally took us to every temple and shrine in the city (apparently they form a convenient circuit, which my friends and I never realized on that first trip).

Besides seeing even more temples, I learned more about the history of each, found out how to make the deer bow, and for some reason took a picture with a mother and her newborn son in traditional christening attire. In Kyoto, my friends and I explored the geisha district, but missed a lot of key information and major sites that was later covered on the walking tour my grandparents signed us up for. I’m not saying my friends and I did it wrong the first time; I’m just saying it can be easier to do these potentially corny or embarrassing things with family.

It turns out that a lot of Japanese people are very proud of their culture and keen to show it off to interested tourists. Once I started going around with my pack of relatives, a surprising number of people came over to chat or went out of their way to show us something interesting. One woman approached us in a public park and asked if we would be interested in seeing traditional Japanese wedding clothes—her son and his fiancé would soon be coming to take their engagement photos. And frankly, as awkward as I found the offer at the time, it was pretty much the only chance I had during my year in Japan to see something like that. I even found out that the groom was an alumni of the school I was studying at.

What I’m trying to say is, even though my family’s enthusiasm and eagerness (for some reason) embarrassed me, their openness and interest appealed to a lot of people we met and gave me a chance to see and experience a side of Japan I didn’t see as an exchange student. Although acting as a 24-hour tour guide sometimes felt like herding cats, traveling with my family was a fun way to rediscover Japan and show them what the big deal was. And despite a looming nuclear meltdown overshadowing the last half of the trip, everybody still says it was one of the best they’ve ever been on.

Bonus Wallpapers!

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Traditional Japanese Proposals

Well actually, since your girlfriend is aware you’re not Japanese, she’s probably not expecting a traditional Japanese proposal. Odds are, she wouldn’t even like one. Old-fashion Japanese proposals were very indirect, and modern Japanese girls will probably just laugh if you asked them a traditional proposal like: “Will you make miso soup for me everyday?”

To a non-Japanese it might sound more like you want a personal chef rather than a marriage, but for older Japanese who valued indirectness in speech, it was a very clever way of popping the question. Another famously vague proposal professed eternal love even in death: “Do you want to lie in the same grave with me?”

The implication was that her ashes will be placed in his family plot of the cemetery, implying marriage. Nowadays though, it would be strange–and grim–to associate death with your marriage proposal. However romantic talk of death and miso soup used to be, in recent years they’ve understandably lost their flavor.

Modern Japanese Proposals

One wife I talked to was asked “do you want to grow old together?” But while some guys can still get away with “soft” proposals like that, modern Japanese girls expect something more direct. Nowadays Japanese men often propose in grand style at fireworks festivals by popping the question during a portion of the show bought and dedicated to their girlfriends.

There are no rules anymore. One non-Japanese I interviewed proposed to his girlfriend after a romantic guitar serenade in the park. His song and proposal were completely in English–and since his girlfriend had a strong command of the language, that was just fine. So when it comes to proposing to a Japanese girl, just do your own thing.

Wait! Should I Ask For The Parents Permission First?

You should get parents permission before marrying their daughter. You don’t absolutely have to, but many Japanese fathers would be insulted if you didn’t. Since you’re never just marrying the girl, but her family too, asking them if you can marry their daughter is the best way to start your marriage off on the right foot.

You should have already met the parents before anyway. One non-Japanese who eventually married his Japanese girlfriend made it a point to meet the parents early on. Just imagine if this had been his first conversation with them:

“Hi. My name is Steve and I’d like to marry your daughter. Also, because I can’t speak Japanese, please just respond with ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”

He didn’t want to be that guy, and you don’t either. Meeting the parents early also tells you if you should invest in the relationship. Like Koichi mentioned, meeting the parents is usually a great experience, but some parents are stuck in the sakoku (鎖国/さこく, “chained country”) era when Japan underwent 200 years of self-imposed isolation. Their little girl is going to marry a Japanese–and that’s the end of it. And honestly, unless your girlfriend is like the family-jewel-kneeing type mentioned in Koichi’s post, that very well could be the end of it.

Family First

Family is extremely important in Japan. A “no” from both parents will throw an epic monkey wrench into any potential marriage. Just like anywhere, many Japanese girls (guys too!) will have serious reservations without parental approval. It may not even be the parents whose permission you ultimately need, but another relative who decides your fate.

One female non-Japanese I interviewed experienced a particularly interesting case of the strength of Japanese family bonds. Since she was the girl, she didn’t have to ask for her future in-laws’ permission. She did, however, need the blessing of her husband’s aunt. Aunty was the head of the family, and all major decisions went through her. Luckily, the aunt loved her and the marriage went off without a hitch, but if she had gotten a “no,” things would have been off.

Parent’s Real Concern

The only problem you will likely have with asking for the parents’ permission is the language barrier. You’d better prepare what to say in Japanese. Whatever you say though, the only thing that’s really on their minds is if you are horse-backed marauder come to kidnap their daughter away to foreign lands. They want to know where you intend to live–Japan or abroad? Will they ever get to see their grandchildren? By saying “yes” to you, are they saying “goodbye” to their baby girl? That’s what they really care about.

The best answer is honest, and starts with “she and I talked about it, and…” You should have talked about it with her, and when you deliver the news to her parents, make it clear–and that it is–a mutual decision between you.

The Japanese Engagement Ceremony

In Japan, someone might say “I’m getting engaged next month on the 14th.” In traditional families, an engagement isn’t finalized until an engagement ceremony, called yuinou. (結納/ゆいのう) Every Japanese I interviewed had an engagement ceremony, though age and social status determined the particulars. The younger, middle-class Japanese only had an informal ceremony amounting to a dinner between families. More wealthy couples held theirs in the traditional style, which costed upwards of tens of thousands of U.S. dollars.

“I’m the president of my company. It was expected of me,” one Japanese businessman told me. “It was so expensive!”

Another older Japanese gentleman had a traditional engagement ceremony typical of his generation.

“We had an engagement ceremony organized by a nakoudo. My family gave my wife’s gifts. Then at the end, we exchanged rings. There are many gifts, all symbolic.”

The nakoudo (仲人/なこうど) is the go-between for the families. They are an important part of Japanese arranged marriages, omiai (お見合い/おみあい.) The go-between is an older, social superior who arranges the potential couple’s first meeting. Should both parties wish to pursue marriage, the go-between then lays the plans–including those for the engagement ceremony, which they also attend. During a traditional engagement ceremony the two families meet over dinner and the man and his family presents the girl’s with a set of symbolic gifts. The gifts depends on the region, but here’s what’s traditional:

Katsuobushi (勝男武士/かつおぶし) is dried bonito. It represents virility.

Naganoshi (長熨斗/ながのし) is a type of dried clam. It represents avoiding ill-fortune.

Surume (寿留女/するめ) is a type of dried squid representing a lasting marriage since it “lasts” for a long time.

Konbu (子生婦/こんぶ) represents fertility and having healthy children. It’s also quite tasty.

Yanagidaru (家内喜多留/やなぎだる) is a lacquered sake barrel. Don’t be fooled by the word “barrel.” It’s handheld. It’s a charm to avoid a wasteful wife.

Suehiro (末広/すえひろ) is a pair of fans representing prosperity. It can differ, but one is usually white and the other gold.

Tomoshiraga (友白髪/ともしらが) or takasago (高砂/たかさご.) Tomoshiraga is a white hemp thread representing the white hair of an old couple. Takasago is pair of dolls also representing growing old together that’s given in the Kansai region.

There’s also kinpoudzutsumi (金包包/きんぽうづつみ) or kosoderyou (小袖料/こそでりょう) Bridal money. The amount depends on the financial situation of the man, but it’s supposed to be about three or four times his monthly pay check. It’s similar to dowery, except it’s paid to the woman’s side. The man’s family also used to get onhakamaryou (御袴料/おんはかまりょう) if the woman’s family had no brothers, meaning no one to carry on the family name. Since in the past families with many daughters and no sons could go broke paying it, today the custom is usually ignored even in traditional ceremonies.

Lastly, there’s the rings. Only once they’ve been presented does a traditional engagement ceremony finish and engagement is official.

Though because they’re so expensive, Japanese engagement ceremonies nowadays usually just introduce the families to each other. Dinner serves well enough for that, with no money or gifts changing hands. Non-Japanese likely won’t even be asked to have one. Since the non-Japanese’s family probably lives outside Japan, arranging a meeting would be almost impossible–not to mention that communication would also pose a serious problem. But, if you want to impress your future in-laws, honoring some of the engagement ceremony’s traditions would show them you appreciate Japanese culture. And that’s always a good thing.

Just The Beginning

Aside from the engagement ceremony, getting engaged to a Japanese girl isn’t so different from anywhere else. Even the language barrier between the non-Japanese and her parents won’t pose much of a problem. Parents know a nice guy when they see one–just like they can smell a rat. If their baby girl is in love and you seem like an nice guy, that’s usually good enough. What you really need to worry about is what comes next. You are getting married after all. The tough part starts now.

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Bonus Wallpapers

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Sources:

• Interviews with Japanese and non-Japanese.
• Ceremony and Symbolism in the Japanese Home
• http://mikal.org/conclusions/2007/11/yuino-our-japanese-engagement-ceremony.html
• http://www.weddingpark.net/special/yuinou/
• http://www.yuinou.com/takasago/menu.html
• http://www.weblio.jp/content/小袖料
• http://www.marriage-dictionary.net/2010/04/post-40.html

But Japan has applied its own unique twist the concept of adoption: adopting adults. In fact, most adoptions in Japan are adult adoptions. Why are adults adopting other adults?

Japanese families usually adopt adults – specifically, males – into the family for two reasons: because of males’ ability to pass on family names; and because of a male’s priority in inheritance.

All in the Family

Japan, like many cultures, passes a family name through male heirs. So when a family has only female children, that family’s name is basically at risk of disappearing. But Japan has sidestepped this problem with adult adoption.

“…And we shall call him Hashi Jr..”

If a woman marries a man, that woman’s family can adopt that man and he will take on that family’s name. So for instance, my relatives in Japan don’t have any male children. So, when one of my cousins got herself a husband, he took on the family name and their little boy carries on the name.

Family Business

But adult adoption can also happen financial reasons. Another common reason for adult adoption is to pass on the family business to a non-biological heir.

Sometimes, the heir apparent to a business (say, the son of a Suzuki or Honda) might not look like the best businessperson in the world, but boss wants to keep the company in the family. In that case, the boss can adopt a promising executive to bring the him into the family and set him up to inherit the business. The adopted person doesn’t even necessarily have to be married into the family.

There have been studies that say that adopted heirs are often more successful in a family business than biological heirs. Researchers have noticed that biological heirs to company can bring down the company’s value and might even drive it into the ground. But with the competition of an adopted sibling, a biological heir may work harder and feel more pressured to perform well. Kind of twisted, but apparently effective.

The All-Knowing Koseki

All these issues of adoption, lineage, and inheritance can be tied back to the uniquely Japanese institution of the family registry, or koseki. The koseki is a huge part of Japanese culture, as it really shapes what the Japanese family looks like.

The koseki, which has been around in one form or another for about 1,500 years, is a basic record of a family in Japan. A family’s koseki records family member’s births, death, marriages and adoptions. So when an adult is adopted into another family, they’re added into that family’s koseki and stricken from his or her original koseki. Kind of strange to be crossed off of your own family record but as an adopted adult in Japan, that’s how it works.

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What do you think about adult adoption? Is this a clever workaround for inheritance, or kind of strange? Let me know in the comments!

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