an acute, often fatal, infectious febrile disease of warm climates, caused by an RNA virus transmitted by a mosquito, especially Aedes aegypti, and characterized by liver damage and jaundice

Whoops, wrong one.

yellow fever (noun) – the maddening sensation to go crazy for all peoples that is Asian

I might be paraphrasing Webster on that one.

And while that term can apply to both sexes, it definitely has more of a polarizing pull on the fellas.

Double And, might I add, while there is a wide spectrum of Asian, none of them receive quite the same attention as the Japanese. Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and all the rest provide a sense of “mystery and intrigue” to some Western peoples. But I’d argue it’s because of the perceptions of Japanese media— the games, the shows, and yes the adult videos— that Japanese girls get fetishized the way they do.

I’ve been guilty of this myself.

My Yellow Fever Origins

Most of my generation got its gaming start with Mario on the NES or Sonic on the Genesis. I was no different, but I credit Pokemon for introducing me to the concept of slaving away for a game. As my first RPG, Pokemon to me had so many layers I never had to deal with before. It wasn’t just a one-track mission to save the princess or beat the bad guy, but a quest for self-improvement. You didn’t conquer levels. You leveled up yourself. Bond with your pals along the way, all in the name of becoming Pokemon Master.

The show took it one step further, “… to be the very best like no one ever was.” A quote that rivaled Bret “Hit Man” Hart.

I ate that stuff up. Maybe too much. I watched the dynamic between Ash and Misty on the show. She wasn’t a damsel in distress. She was a friend. A friend who secretly harbored feelings for the main character.

I couldn’t remember seeing something like that from my American cartoons, but I’m sure I was just oblivious. Being so involved in the world of Pokemon more likely skewed my view. From here on out, I started to wonder. Maybe this type of girl didn’t exist in America. Could it be a Japanese thing?

I branched out into watching other shows. All of which not only reinforced the idea that Japanese girls are different, but maybe they’re better. I soaked up the images in “harem” anime like Tenchi Muyo and Love Hina. And, it blows my mind to think I liked characters like Shinji Ikari who were super helpless. I guess I related to the weakling who could depend on someone else to show him the way. I appreciated the idea that there was another guy out there that had several hot babes wanting to love him no matter how fragile he was.

At this time, I was horrible at handling rejection. Never did I appreciate the mechanics of a game so much. I wished real life had a pause and resume feature– more time to calculate each move before I made it. If life was like a show, I could fast forward to a better episode.

Whenever I’d get “friend zoned”, I’d bury myself in games. I’d watch more anime. The anime obsession would eventually transition to watching Japanese TV shows, or jdramas as they call it.

These days Twilight gets a lot of flack for leading teenage girls on with the concept of “undying love”. But I let shows like Lunch no Jou and Nodame Cantabile feed me the same type of belief. Yuko Takeuchi and Juri Ueno became avatars of that ideal girl.

I became so absorbed in my fantastical perception of Japanese culture. I started reinforcing those ideas with distancing language. American girls are like this, but Japanese girls wouldn’t ever do that.

Japanese girls are the most passionate, patient, kind and caring beings on earth.

Eventually, I wound up with some idea that it was only Japanese girls who could really understand me.

Meeting My “Match”

“It’s like one of my Japanese animes!”

Sure enough, my first girlfriend would be Japanese.

We didn’t have chemistry. We didn’t have a spark. But thanks to my train of thought, I already committed to the belief that this kind of person is someone who I can fall in love with.

I will fall in love with this kind of person. And so I did.

I kept myself in a fantasy, and I turned myself into an anime character in the process. I relied on scripts I’d learned from my experiences in Japanese media. A lot of my conversation and gestures came off as forced instead of natural. I tried so hard to be the ideal boyfriend to match my image of the ideal girlfriend.

But, everything seemed awesome. I was riding that high of having my first serious relationship, so everything was perfect. This went on for three years. She did no wrong, could do no wrong, and would ne’er do a wrongily wrong.

Until she broke up with me. Bonus bummer: I found out she cheated on me.

You’d think that would’ve burst the bubble. There’s no way I would keep thinking that Japanese girls are the best. But alas, I held on.

The Blindness Begins to Break

From 2009-2012, I taught English in Japan. During this time, I started to notice how much other guys were going crazy over Japanese girls too. I wasn’t alone in my way of thinking, but by watching the people around me, I saw really ugly sides of people in the pursuit of a J-girl.

I taught at a senior high school, and so many guys would tell me they were jealous. They wished they worked at my school because so many girls were hot. Those words irked me. It was kind of gross.

This whole time I didn’t even think of ogling them. They weren’t just Japanese girls. They were my students. They had depth.

I witnessed friendships crumble. Guys would be “best friends” until one would call “dibs” on a girl at a bar. They’d point fingers, but Japanese girls didn’t break those bonds. Those guys let themselves throw it away for eye candy.

I think they knew this sort of behavior didn’t work back home, but something about being in a foreign land changed that.

Of course, you had the flip side of the yellow fever concept too. Some people called it white worshiping, others termed it gaijin-hunting. (Foreigners in Japan were known as Gaikokujin, or Gaijin for short. And a Japanese girl who wanted one would be the hunter.)

Here it was again: the fantasy versus the reality. The mystique and intrigue of what wasn’t familiar, except this time it wasn’t wonderful. It was incredibly frustrating. The roles roles were reversed. I was an Asian guy being passed up for dudes who looked more “foreign”.

I’m not going to lie. It made me pretty bitter. When I was overseas, I worked hard to transform myself. And it was for real this time. I got in shape. Instead of sitting by and hoping I’d encounter someone by chance, someone that’d fall in love with me, I worked hard to build my esteem. I tried to be social. And I thought I was doing pretty good.

But no dice. The Japanese girls I bumped into just saw the surface. They already had their minds made up on what I could offer. Even though I was still a foreigner, they wanted to pick something that looked a bit more exotic.

Basically I was hit with some karma for being so shallow, but I still wasn’t able to see the connection between what they were doing and what I did.

The worst example of this idolization came from a friend. He fell in love with a girl at the clothing store. That’s no code for some seedy underground brothel either. She was just a regular girl working in retail.

But my friend just knew she was special. She was beautiful. She was good-looking. She was hot. She was cute. She was really hot.

She talked to him. And even though he couldn’t really understand what she said, nor could he properly express himself to her (they used an iPhone app to communicate, zoinks!) he was about ready to propose.

Maybe my obsession didn’t manifest itself in the same way, but my friend and I had been similar enough in our thoughts. His relationship didn’t work out, and he took it hard. I saw his dream crumble, leaving him a broken mess.

I’ve been there before, but this time as an outsider, I could see more clearly from the beginning. Things never really looked like they would work out. Connecting the dots, seeing the devastating effect it had on my friend snapped me out of my haze.

It wasn’t about race. It wasn’t about nationality. “Japanese girls” weren’t the best. I was typecasting an idea, but people are just that… people. Good and bad. Superficial and deep. Smart and dumb.

I’d been blind. I’d been pretty dumb. And for all my gaijin-hunter frustration? I had a friend unload on me, putting the final nail in the coffin:

All those girls who can fall for something like that… It’s your own damn fault for liking them.

Christmas in Japan

If you walked around Japan on Christmas Day, you wouldn’t notice too much that’s different or out of the ordinary. All the shops would be appropriately decorated and seasonal foods would be seen on advertisements, Christmas music would be playing, and just about everything would be urging you to get into the Christmas spirit. In Japan, however, Christmas is not religiously celebrated (I guess it’s becoming less and less religious around the world too). It’s also not a day that’s about Santa Claus either. Instead, it’s more about him and his wife and what they do together, if you catch my drift. Ho ho ho! ♪

Many articles have been written about Christmas in Japan, from the finger lickin’ good KFC Christmas dinners to lovely strawberry shortcakes to the conspiracy that Santa Claus is actually Japanese. What we haven’t covered, though, is what Christmas means to Japanese couples, so I’d like to do that.

In fact, as many of you may already know, Christmas in Japan is not for families. It’s for couples. Granted, if you’re still a child you can still expect a gift or two, but once you’re grown up, unless you’re dating someone, don’t expect to be doing much Christmas celebrating. Japanese couples go on dates on Christmas because they think it’s romantic for them to go out on that day.

Actually, Christmas Eve has become, perhaps, the most romantic night of the year in Japan. It’s a day for couples to celebrate each other in every possible way. All of the fancy restaurants will be holding special reservations from months in advance and many expensive items move off the shelves at this time. I’d also like to recommend not getting married on Christmas Eve because every honeymoon suite and every hotel in Japan will be booked. It is indeed a day for lovers.

Why Is Christmas So Romantic?

So why in the world is Christmas so romantic? Of course there are Christmas lights and decorations all through the city streets, in shops, on buildings, and even in theme parks. They help to get couples into the romantic mood! Magazines and TV programs have a great deal of influence in convincing young people to go out on Christmas Eve as well. Just like everywhere else, there are groups that want you to spend your money on Christmas. In Japan, it just happens to be couples, so hotels, jewelry stores, and the like will push really hard to make sure you spend the big yen for your loved one.

There are also lots of magazine guides that inform people where to go in order to have a successful and romantic Christmas date. And on TV, there are lots of programs introducing dating spots for this particular day. Young people think they need a boyfriend/girlfriend on Christmas Eve and if they don’t have a partner when that day comes they sometimes will feel ashamed or depressed. It’s large enough of a phenomenon that it is well known that many single people try their hardest to get a boyfriend or girlfriend in the weeks approaching Christmas Eve.

So, a combination of social pressure, Christmas lights, and a lot of advertising dollars make this the most romantic Japanese day of the year. It’s not so dissimilar to Valentine’s Day in America or Canada, though I think Japan tends to go a little crazy on holidays like this.

Christmas For a Japanese Person who is dating a non-Japanese

I think that “Christmas for couples” is acceptable as long as you are dating a Japanese person. For Western people, it’s usually a time to spend with family, though sometimes your partner is considered family in a way (but you don’t go off on a romantic date exclusive to you two). This difference between cultures can sometimes cause issues when a non-Japanese and Japanese person are dating. According to one woman who is dating an Italian man, for example, she becomes envious of her Japanese friends every Christmas. Let’s see why.

欧米ではクリスマスや年末年始などのイベントは家族で過ごすことが当たり前だそうで、彼と一緒に過ごすことができません。日本では、クリスマスは恋人と過ごしている友人が多くてうらやましい！
“My boyfriend is Italian. In Western cultures, it seems that people spend Christmas with their family, so I can’t be with my boyfriend. I’m jealous of my Japanese friends who can spend their Christmas with their boyfriends or girlfriends.” source: 国際恋愛「外国人と交際していて○○に驚いた」トレンドニュース

Although another anonymous person complained that she has to stay in Japan because of her job while her American boyfriend goes back to his country for Christmas, another Japanese guy who is dating an Australian woman says that he enjoys going to visit her family during Christmas. It is a bit of a rush though, because Japanese people don’t get Christmas holidays, so he has to get to the airport on the 23rd in order to make it on time for Christmas.

A similar thing happened to me once when my husband (boyfriend, at that time) and I were in Japan, though I wasn’t planning to spend Christmas alone with my boyfriend. I was actually planning to have a Christmas party in my apartment on the 25th and invited some friends. Of course I invited him, too, however at that time his brother was also in Japan and they were both planning to Skype their family from his brother’s house. I was also invited to join, but I had already made plans with my friends. I asked if it’s okay to take my friends there, too, but his brother wanted to keep it as a family thing. Taking friends there wasn’t acceptable! I ended up having the party without him and we had a great time. Of course, we bought KFC, which I should tell you is much different on Christmas than it is on normal days. They sell a really fancy chicken dinner (only for X’mas) and open a lot of wine bottles. Awww, it was such a good time! You may have thought my boyfriend and I could have had our romantic Christmas date on Christmas Eve, but we attended a mutual friend’s Christmas party, instead.

These are first world Christmas problems indeed!

The Lame Christmases That Turn Men Away

I previously wrote about the type of love confessions and birthday plans that turn women off, but I finally came across something that turn men away on Menjoy!. So, what kind of women’s behavior done on Christmas day has the power to make men think differently about them? Let’s read some responses in Japanese to find out. Pay attention, ladies!

ふだん行き慣れていない高級イタリアンや高級フレンチで明らかに挙動が不審な女性。レストランの席に通されるときから、歩き方がぎこちないとか、フィンガーボールの水を見て“おいしそうね”と言う女性。残念ですよね
I would turn away if my girlfriend got apparently nervous and behaved restlessly in a fancy Italian restaurant or a fancy French restaurant. For example, while we were guided to our table, if she walked like a robot, I would feel sad. It would also be pathetic if she were to say “looks tasty” while looking at the water in the finger bowl.

Aww! It kind of sounds like me. I’m certainly not used to such restaurants. I actually don’t like this quote. It makes me upset. If you complain that your girlfriend feels out of place in such restaurants, it would be your fault for not taking her to them often enough. *Angry*

クリスマスイブの日限定で網タイツを履く女性の心理は、だいたい察しがつきますが、ちょっとやる気まんまんすぎてドン引きしますよね。女性の気持ちを考えると、男性としてその気持ちを受け止めてあげたいのは山々ですが……
I understand that women want to dress up and wear fishnet stockings on Christmas Eve because they never get a chance to wear them, but it turns me off because I can’t help feeling that she got all pumped up and too excited about the whole thing. I considered her feelings and I really wanted to accept what she did for me, but I couldn’t help but say no.

とってつけたような勝負下着を着た女にどんびきした。クリスマスデートは、男女ともに下着には気を遣っていると思います。あまりに気遣いが極端になると、見たこともない真っ赤な下着とか、総レースのすごくゴージャスな下着とか、そういうものを身につける女性もいると思います。見慣れないものを見ると、びっくりするのが男性です。
I was turned off by a woman who was uncharacteristically wearing sexy underwear. For Christmas dates, both women and men are very careful about their choice in underwear, but there are some women who care too much and choose very red or 100% lace lingerie. However, guys will be shocked if they looked at something they aren’t used to.

「サンタさんの格好をした自分」をプレゼントされてどんびきした。
She tried to give herself to me while she was wearing a Santa costume. I was turned off.

These reactions might only happen among Japanese men (again, not all Japanese men think this way), but they tend to turn down women if they come off as too sexy in such situations. For example, I’ve heard many guys talk like this before: If a woman walks out of the bathroom naked after a shower, it disgusts them because those women don’t have any shyness. Apparently, acting shy will make girls seem “cute” for guys, and being a “cute girl” is what many Japanese girls strive to be. Thus, wearing fishnet stockings or gorgeous lingerie or being a sexy Santa can come off as the opposite of shy and the poor women failed to be the “cute girl” that some men require.

男に相談せずにホテルの部屋を予約する女にどんびきした。クリスマスイブとはいつのことかと言えば、それは月末であり、会社によっては25日の締め日前のすごく忙しい日です。そういうときに、横浜の●●ホテルに19時待ち合わせと言われても、すぐに行けないのです
I was turned off when my girlfriend made a reservation at a hotel without asking me a thing. Christmas Eve is the end of month and it could be such a busy day because the 25th of every month is a typical deadline date, depending on the company. At such a time, if I was told, “We are going to meet up at 7p.m. at the XXX hotel in Yokohama”, of course, I can’t be there on time.

Considering that there aren’t any Christmas holidays in Japan and how Japanese men prioritize business over relationships, this is very likely to happen, especially when Christmas Eve falls on a weekday. Although she probably just wanted to make him happy with her surprise, she should have asked him about his schedule first.

レストランでケーキを食べて、家でもケーキを食べることにどんびきした。このパターンは正直、苦手な男性のほうが多いのではないでしょうか。1日に2つ以上のケーキを食べることに男性は慣れていません。
I was turned off of by my girlfriend when we had to eat cake in the restaurant and then another cake at home afterward. I’d say most guys are bad at this, right? Guys aren’t used to eating two or more pieces of cake a day.

Personally, I’m a fan of cake (I should actually say I’m a fan of Japanese cake because Canadian cake is too sweet, except for homemade ones.) I may break up with him if he blamed me for finding two separate occasions to eat cake in one day. Instead of blaming her, he simply should have given her his portion, then they both would have been happy.

A recent cake that my husband and I made was “bacon topped maple buttercream cupcakes” and, by the way, they were really good. I wouldn’t mind extra portions of that!

値段も見ずにワインをどんどん飲む女にどんびきした。レストランでワインを頼む女性は要注意です。お店によっては、女性が見るメニューには金額が書いていないこともあります。男性が見るメニューには金額を書いてあります。女性がワインを頼むたびに男性はドキッとします
I was turned off of a woman who drank wine like a bear without looking at the price. I would say that we should be aware of women who order wine in restaurants, depending on the restaurant. Prices aren’t on the menu for women, but they are on the menu for men so that whenever a woman orders wine in a restaurant, the man might shudder.

I didn’t know that such “sexist” restaurants existed. Although wine is said to be good for your heart, it wouldn’t be very good for men’s hearts to go to such restaurants and have to spend so much money on the wine. It can get expensive!

クリスマスツリーと一緒に鏡餅も買ってくる女にどんびきした。クリスマスデートをしたら、次に彼氏と会えるのが29日だから……といって、クリスマスツリーと一緒に鏡餅まで買ってくるのは、気が利いているようで“おいおい”ってなるでしょうね。気が早すぎるのです。
I was turned off when she bought ‘kagamimochi’ (a New Years decoration made of rice cakes) and a Christmas tree. She said she bought kagamimochi and the Christmas tree at the same time because she figured the next time we would meet would be after Christmas (the 29th) and too late to prepare for New Years. It was done as a favor, but to me, it was too early and ruined the Christmas mood.

Buying those New Years goods beforehand may be okay, but bringing them on Christmas day doesn’t sound right. Maybe you should have just told him that you would buy them for him and take it to him on 29th, instead. The thought was there, at least. It’s hard for me to understand why this would make you like somebody less.

25日の0時すぎにコンビニでクリスマスケーキの半額交渉をする女にどんびきした。
I was turned off by a woman who desperately asked a convenience store clerk for a 50% discount on a Christmas cake.

Once Christmas is over the surplus of Christmas cakes typically get a huge price drop, but haggling in front of your boyfriend for so long may not appeal to some men. She may have just wanted to impress him, though. The ability to haggle well is quite the talent, actually!

キャンドルの灯りだけで過ごそうとする女にどんびきした。聖なる夜にキャンドルの灯り数本で過ごしたいという女性の気持ちはよくわかります。でも、マンションって気密性が高いので、キャンドルの煙を煙探知機が敏感に察知します。また、一酸化炭素中毒も心配です。どちらもクリアしても、壁紙に煤（すす）のにおいがついて、とれないのです。キャンドルはケーキにつけて、すぐに吹き消してほしいですよね。
I was turned off by a woman who tried to spend our whole night in candle light. I understand her feelings of wanting to spend a romantic night with a couple candles on such a night, but we were only in an apartment. Apartments are so small and compact that the fire alarm could easily go off and I’m also worried about carbon monoxide poisoning. Even though we got over those problems, it could have left a burning smell on my apartment walls. I would really love a woman who only uses candles on cakes and then blows them out right away.

This person has a fear of candles, apparently. It’s sad that he couldn’t light candles in his apartment, but I do understand how small and cramped they could be. After all, Japanese apartments are pretty tiny sometimes! Fire is definitely a legitimate concern too, especially with how closely people live next to each other.

Although I think that the guy responses are a little more shallow than past lady responses that we’ve gone through, I hope some of you are able to learn a little more about what to expect on Christmas, especially if you’re in a relationship in Japan. There are different ideals for a “good” Christmas, and if you don’t know them you could be making your significant other upset without even knowing it.

So, along with the rest of the Tofugu team, we’d like to wish you a very happy Christmas, and I hope you don’t make any of the mistakes listed above. We’ll be on a post hiatus until 2014, so please relax and enjoy the holidays until then!

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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Traditional Japanese Proposals

Well actually, since your girlfriend is aware you’re not Japanese, she’s probably not expecting a traditional Japanese proposal. Odds are, she wouldn’t even like one. Old-fashion Japanese proposals were very indirect, and modern Japanese girls will probably just laugh if you asked them a traditional proposal like: “Will you make miso soup for me everyday?”

To a non-Japanese it might sound more like you want a personal chef rather than a marriage, but for older Japanese who valued indirectness in speech, it was a very clever way of popping the question. Another famously vague proposal professed eternal love even in death: “Do you want to lie in the same grave with me?”

The implication was that her ashes will be placed in his family plot of the cemetery, implying marriage. Nowadays though, it would be strange–and grim–to associate death with your marriage proposal. However romantic talk of death and miso soup used to be, in recent years they’ve understandably lost their flavor.

Modern Japanese Proposals

One wife I talked to was asked “do you want to grow old together?” But while some guys can still get away with “soft” proposals like that, modern Japanese girls expect something more direct. Nowadays Japanese men often propose in grand style at fireworks festivals by popping the question during a portion of the show bought and dedicated to their girlfriends.

There are no rules anymore. One non-Japanese I interviewed proposed to his girlfriend after a romantic guitar serenade in the park. His song and proposal were completely in English–and since his girlfriend had a strong command of the language, that was just fine. So when it comes to proposing to a Japanese girl, just do your own thing.

Wait! Should I Ask For The Parents Permission First?

You should get parents permission before marrying their daughter. You don’t absolutely have to, but many Japanese fathers would be insulted if you didn’t. Since you’re never just marrying the girl, but her family too, asking them if you can marry their daughter is the best way to start your marriage off on the right foot.

You should have already met the parents before anyway. One non-Japanese who eventually married his Japanese girlfriend made it a point to meet the parents early on. Just imagine if this had been his first conversation with them:

“Hi. My name is Steve and I’d like to marry your daughter. Also, because I can’t speak Japanese, please just respond with ‘yes’ or ‘no.’”

He didn’t want to be that guy, and you don’t either. Meeting the parents early also tells you if you should invest in the relationship. Like Koichi mentioned, meeting the parents is usually a great experience, but some parents are stuck in the sakoku (鎖国/さこく, “chained country”) era when Japan underwent 200 years of self-imposed isolation. Their little girl is going to marry a Japanese–and that’s the end of it. And honestly, unless your girlfriend is like the family-jewel-kneeing type mentioned in Koichi’s post, that very well could be the end of it.

Family First

Family is extremely important in Japan. A “no” from both parents will throw an epic monkey wrench into any potential marriage. Just like anywhere, many Japanese girls (guys too!) will have serious reservations without parental approval. It may not even be the parents whose permission you ultimately need, but another relative who decides your fate.

One female non-Japanese I interviewed experienced a particularly interesting case of the strength of Japanese family bonds. Since she was the girl, she didn’t have to ask for her future in-laws’ permission. She did, however, need the blessing of her husband’s aunt. Aunty was the head of the family, and all major decisions went through her. Luckily, the aunt loved her and the marriage went off without a hitch, but if she had gotten a “no,” things would have been off.

Parent’s Real Concern

The only problem you will likely have with asking for the parents’ permission is the language barrier. You’d better prepare what to say in Japanese. Whatever you say though, the only thing that’s really on their minds is if you are horse-backed marauder come to kidnap their daughter away to foreign lands. They want to know where you intend to live–Japan or abroad? Will they ever get to see their grandchildren? By saying “yes” to you, are they saying “goodbye” to their baby girl? That’s what they really care about.

The best answer is honest, and starts with “she and I talked about it, and…” You should have talked about it with her, and when you deliver the news to her parents, make it clear–and that it is–a mutual decision between you.

The Japanese Engagement Ceremony

In Japan, someone might say “I’m getting engaged next month on the 14th.” In traditional families, an engagement isn’t finalized until an engagement ceremony, called yuinou. (結納/ゆいのう) Every Japanese I interviewed had an engagement ceremony, though age and social status determined the particulars. The younger, middle-class Japanese only had an informal ceremony amounting to a dinner between families. More wealthy couples held theirs in the traditional style, which costed upwards of tens of thousands of U.S. dollars.

“I’m the president of my company. It was expected of me,” one Japanese businessman told me. “It was so expensive!”

Another older Japanese gentleman had a traditional engagement ceremony typical of his generation.

“We had an engagement ceremony organized by a nakoudo. My family gave my wife’s gifts. Then at the end, we exchanged rings. There are many gifts, all symbolic.”

The nakoudo (仲人/なこうど) is the go-between for the families. They are an important part of Japanese arranged marriages, omiai (お見合い/おみあい.) The go-between is an older, social superior who arranges the potential couple’s first meeting. Should both parties wish to pursue marriage, the go-between then lays the plans–including those for the engagement ceremony, which they also attend. During a traditional engagement ceremony the two families meet over dinner and the man and his family presents the girl’s with a set of symbolic gifts. The gifts depends on the region, but here’s what’s traditional:

Katsuobushi (勝男武士/かつおぶし) is dried bonito. It represents virility.

Naganoshi (長熨斗/ながのし) is a type of dried clam. It represents avoiding ill-fortune.

Surume (寿留女/するめ) is a type of dried squid representing a lasting marriage since it “lasts” for a long time.

Konbu (子生婦/こんぶ) represents fertility and having healthy children. It’s also quite tasty.

Yanagidaru (家内喜多留/やなぎだる) is a lacquered sake barrel. Don’t be fooled by the word “barrel.” It’s handheld. It’s a charm to avoid a wasteful wife.

Suehiro (末広/すえひろ) is a pair of fans representing prosperity. It can differ, but one is usually white and the other gold.

Tomoshiraga (友白髪/ともしらが) or takasago (高砂/たかさご.) Tomoshiraga is a white hemp thread representing the white hair of an old couple. Takasago is pair of dolls also representing growing old together that’s given in the Kansai region.

There’s also kinpoudzutsumi (金包包/きんぽうづつみ) or kosoderyou (小袖料/こそでりょう) Bridal money. The amount depends on the financial situation of the man, but it’s supposed to be about three or four times his monthly pay check. It’s similar to dowery, except it’s paid to the woman’s side. The man’s family also used to get onhakamaryou (御袴料/おんはかまりょう) if the woman’s family had no brothers, meaning no one to carry on the family name. Since in the past families with many daughters and no sons could go broke paying it, today the custom is usually ignored even in traditional ceremonies.

Lastly, there’s the rings. Only once they’ve been presented does a traditional engagement ceremony finish and engagement is official.

Though because they’re so expensive, Japanese engagement ceremonies nowadays usually just introduce the families to each other. Dinner serves well enough for that, with no money or gifts changing hands. Non-Japanese likely won’t even be asked to have one. Since the non-Japanese’s family probably lives outside Japan, arranging a meeting would be almost impossible–not to mention that communication would also pose a serious problem. But, if you want to impress your future in-laws, honoring some of the engagement ceremony’s traditions would show them you appreciate Japanese culture. And that’s always a good thing.

Just The Beginning

Aside from the engagement ceremony, getting engaged to a Japanese girl isn’t so different from anywhere else. Even the language barrier between the non-Japanese and her parents won’t pose much of a problem. Parents know a nice guy when they see one–just like they can smell a rat. If their baby girl is in love and you seem like an nice guy, that’s usually good enough. What you really need to worry about is what comes next. You are getting married after all. The tough part starts now.

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Bonus Wallpapers

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Sources:

• Interviews with Japanese and non-Japanese.
• Ceremony and Symbolism in the Japanese Home
• http://mikal.org/conclusions/2007/11/yuino-our-japanese-engagement-ceremony.html
• http://www.weddingpark.net/special/yuinou/
• http://www.yuinou.com/takasago/menu.html
• http://www.weblio.jp/content/小袖料
• http://www.marriage-dictionary.net/2010/04/post-40.html

Birthdays In Japan

Japanese birthdays are not as big a celebration as they are in the West. In fact, there was no custom of celebrating birthdays in Japan until around 1950! Before this, there was only one day on which to celebrate birthdays (everyone’s birthday) and that day was New Year’s Day. This was because ancient people thought everyone got older on New Year’s Day, not the day they were born. Since then, however, Japan has been influenced by Western culture, so they started celebrating people’s birthdays on the date of their actual birth.

In Japan, the only time you’ll organize your own birthday party is when you are a child, although your parents likely played a bigger part in the actual organization of it than you did. The cake is a “must” and we sing “Happy Birthday” in the dark and blow the candles out on the cake (a 1:1 ratio of candles to years). It’s the same as Western culture, isn’t it?

Now that I’m an adult, I feel uncomfortable when someone says “Hey, I’m having a birthday party on Sunday. Can you come?” In Japan this discussion would take place in a conversation amongst friends like, “Hey, Mami’s birthday is on April 9th, so we are planning a birthday party. Are you available that day?” When someone celebrates their birthday, though they can have a say in where to go or what to do, it’s customary that when making arrangements, inviting people to it and paying the bill is not their responsibility. Food is, of course, a big part of Japanese culture, so it is very common to be treated to a meal on your birthday. A lot of restaurants also anticipate birthday parties being held there, so they keep cake and candles on hand for such occasions.

In the case of my husband and I, he doesn’t like being the main person of focus or attention, so he never plans an event to celebrate himself. Knowing how much he dislikes it, I’ve only organized a party for him once.

Birthday For Couples (Women)

However, this sort of “surprise” party is usually held a few days before or after the actual birthday because the birthday person may have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they usually go on dates for special occasions. Even high school students, if they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, will go on a date for their birthday.

According to research conducted by Ozmall in June, 2011, 56% of 800 women ages 20 – 29 years old want to spend their birthday alone with their boyfriend or husband. As for a presents, 27% want accessories, 20% want to go to a restaurant, 17% just want to spend some time with their partner, 9% want to go on a trip within Japan, 7% want to travel abroad, 6% want to be proposed to, 5% want brand-name things such as bags or wallets, 2% want a watch, and 7% want something else (miscellaneous).

Many of these participants said that the reason for wanting an accessory was “because I want to feel my boyfriend/husband is with me at all times.” Isn’t that romantic? Lovey-dovey vomit tummy! Ugh, I just tasted the gyuudon I had for lunch.

Birthday For Couples (Men)

The same organization conducted another research study among 200 men who have a wife or a girlfriend and about 70% of them answered that they go on a date for their birthday.

In regards to presents, most of them actually answered that they would be happy with anything their girlfriends gave them, but they do have a preference for what they would like to do on their birthdays. 28% said that they would like to go on a “dinner date to a fancy restaurant,” followed by 16% who wanted to “stay in a hotel,” 15% who wanted to go on an “onsen date,” 13% who wanted a relaxing night in, 6% who wanted to go to a theme park (ex. Disneyland), 4% who wanted to watch sports, another 4% who wanted to eat at an average restaurant, 3% who wanted an relaxing spa date, 1% who wanted a beach date, and 10% wanting other things (miscellaneous).

I think you can see a lot of the differences between men and women right there.

Romantic Birthday

So, the birthday is as important for Japanese couples as it is for couples from many other countries. Although most couples don’t bother making plans that fall very far outside the norm, others want to be very unique as a way to show their boyfriends/girlfriends that they are special. A classmate of mine from university falls into the latter description. I remember he once wrote a poem on the back of a picture of himself that was enlarged to life size and gave it to his girlfriend at a Kobe beef steak restaurant. If I was her, I might have been embarrassed because he told me this monstrosity (imagine a Justin Bieber life-size poster) was standing behind them throughout their entire meal at a fancy restaurant. Apparently, the girl was very impressed and quite taken by the amount of thought put into her present.

Trying to make your significant others’ birthday very romantic is not only a Japanese thing, but a commonality shared among many countries. According to S(Initial) , a 35-years-old female, she dated a very romantic German man for a while and now she’s having a lot of difficulty finding a nice guy like him. Here is her description of her romantic birthday.

“On my birthday, he gave me a picture frame with three pictures in it. There were three messages, one underneath each picture. The picture on the left was of him when he was a baby and the message read “I was born into the world, and…” The middle picture was a picture of him and me together and the message read “an angel…” The one on the right was a picture of me and him hugging each other and the message read “caught me” (Her cheek turned red as she spoke). It was such a great present and I felt so happy.”

The border between cheesy and romantic is so difficult to distinguish sometimes. What’s cheesy to some is romantic to others. Personally, I think this was adorable. I hope my husband doesn’t read this article so I can do the same thing for his next birthday. Think he’ll like it?

Lame Birthday That Turns Women Away

Photo by armigeress

Although some plans work out well, like the one above, others could be considered cheesy or lame and cause women to turn away. I found and shared a few of the lame ways in which men confessed their love to women in my previous article: Japan’s “Love Confession” culture. Why not learn the type of birthday plans that turn women off, as well? It’s often said that “failure is a stepping stone to success”, right? Luckily, I found research conducted by my-navi-woman from June 3 to June 10, 2013 in which over 389 women were asked about this topic. Let me share some of them! (I apologize in advance for not being able to find one for the opposite sex, which would be “lame birthday plans that make men flee”)

「期待しといて！1日予定空けておいて」と言われて、めっちゃ期待したのに、結局ノープランだった（32歳／女性）
I was told, “Look forward to your birthday and please be available the whole day”, but he ended up having no plans. (32 year-old-woman)

How bad is that? Was the surprise that there was no surprise? If so, good work! You shocked her right out of wanting a boyfriend. I wonder why he couldn’t come up with anything, though. I mean, even a last minute idea could be a “yakiniku birthday” where you spend the whole day out eating lunch and dinner at a yakiniku restaurants and fill in the gaps at the mall letting her pick out a shirt or two.

レストランで店員さんにハッピーバースデーを歌われた。全然うれしくなかったので、喜んだふりするのが面倒だった（29歳／女性）
In a restaurant, all the waitresses sang “Happy Birthday” to me. I wasn’t happy at all, so it was difficult to pretend as if I was glad. (29 years old woman)

It seems that being sung to in front of a lot of people would more than likely be embarrassing for most adult Japanese women – perhaps most people? I certainly would be, anyhow.

ディズニーランドに行ったときに、彼氏がいろんなスタッフに「彼女の誕生日なんです」と言って至る所で歌われたこと（28歳／女性）
When we went to Disneyland, my boyfriend told every single staff member, ‘Today is my girlfriend’s birthday”, and every single one of them sang “Happy Birthday” to me at every single place. (28-year-old woman)

This may be more embarrassing than being sung to in a restaurant! Hey, since we’re at a theme park, you might as well just tar and feather me, throw pies in my face (preferably strawberry), set me up as the dunkee at a dunk tank and hire a comedian to crack jokes about me while I dirty up the water.

オリジナルソングを歌われた（35歳／女性）
I was sung an original song. (35-year-old woman)

Original songs can be a death sentence, unless you are really good at it. I think you also need to have a relationship with a few thousand miles clocked up for that to work. Perhaps not, but I think a truly good original song would come from knowing someone really well.

サプライズをするつもりが自分で事前にばらしてしまった（34歳／女性）
He was planning a surprise party for me, but he accidentally told me. (34-year-old woman)

That’s a bit careless. Maybe he was too excited about the party to keep it secret from his the person he most loved. Actually, that might be the perfect thing to say to get yourself out of that blunder.

誕生日プレゼントを宝探しのように探させたかったみたいで、暑い中蚊に刺されながら探した。プレゼントを見つけるまでに疲れ切ってしまって、もうどうでもよくなりました（30歳／女性）
He wanted me to find the present he got me, like a treasure-hunt, but it was summer and I had to look for the present outside on a very hot day while being bitten by mosquitoes. He hid it very well, so I had exhausted myself before finding it and gave up. I literally thought, “Whatever!” (30-year-old woman)

I guess he wanted to make it like an attraction in a theme park. Live and learn, I suppose. Next time make it a little easier. Not everyone wants to solve a Rubik’s Cube on their birthday.

誕生日を祝おうと言われて彼氏の家に行ったら彼の両親や家族が勢ぞろいしていた。サプライズの方向がおかしい（28歳／女性）
I was told “Let’s celebrate your birthday” by my boyfriend and I went over to his house. Then I found out that all his parents and relatives were there. It was such a weird surprise party. (28-year-old woman)

I believe that most of women need time to prepare when they meet boyfriend’s parents and his relatives. Furthermore, it is weird that only his family and relatives were there on her birthday and not her friends or family, isn’t it?

誕生日に彼氏が私の好きなアニメのコスプレをして登場した。3次元にそういうの求めていないし似合っていないし最悪だった（25歳／女性）
On my birthday, he showed up dressed as my favorite anime character. First of all, I don’t like it when 3D people try to be 2D. Furthermore, he didn’t look like the character at all. It was horrible. (25-year-old woman)

It’s pretty sad that he didn’t look like the character at all. I wonder what the character was. I hope it wasn’t a titan from “Attack on Titan” because they don’t wear any clothes.

高崎白衣大観音に連れて行かれた。渋すぎる……（29歳／女性）
I was taken to Takasaki-byakue-daikannon. It’s too cultured for me. (29-year-old woman)

Takasaki-byakue-daikannon (aka Takasaki kannon) is a huge statue of Kannon (the goddess of mercy) at Jigen-in temple in Takasaki city in Gunma prefecture. It’s height is 41.8m and it weighs 5,985 tonnes. It would be fine for a normal day, or even a date, but a temple is too cultural of place to celebrate a birthday. I wonder why he decided to take her there. Perhaps he didn’t know her very well, yet.

誕生日なのに、仕事帰りに彼氏の知り合いの誕生日会に参加された（23歳／女性）
Although it was my birthday, he joined a different birthday party after his work. (23-year-old woman)

That’s a Japanese guy for you. Not all of them, of course, but many of them make work, or even friendships between men, more of a priority than girlfriends and relationships.

So, how do couples celebrate birthdays in your country? I heard that in Portugal, celebrating before the actual birthday will bring you bad luck. Are there such birthday related superstitions where you are from? How do couples spend their time on each one’s birthday? Do they give presents and what is commonly given? What is your most memorable birthday involving a significant other?

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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Ha! You wish. Some people really truly love their two-dimensional partners. And this article is for those aspiring to become one of them.

When Love Is Not Enough: Love Plus

Whether it’s a two-dimensional girl or a two-dimensional 01100111 01110101 01111001 you’re looking for, you’re in luck. They come in all shapes and sizes, though mostly flat ones. But say you do get into a committed 2-D relationship. You’re serious about him/her. Would it be possible to actually marry my 2-D partner? Seal the deal? The answer is … probably not. I think this question on Yahoo知恵袋 (Japanese Yahoo Answers) sums it up quite well:

Q. 二次元の女性との婚姻届は出せますか？
Can I legally marry (do the marriage registration of) a 2-dimensional girl?

A. 戸籍（外国人なら婚姻要件具備証明書等の書類）が無いので無理でしょう。
Since they don’t have a koseki/family register it’s probably impossible.

It’s nice that the answerer actually came up with a real reason.

The person asking the question isn’t alone, though. There are, of course, many people who have fallen in love with a 2-D guy or girl (though mostly it’s a 2-D girl). One game that kept coming up in my research was Love Plus, a dating sim for the Nintendo DS.

I remember how back in the day when I played Hatoful Kareshi I became madly in love with one particular pigeon, only to have my hato broken. So, I can only imagine what Love Plus would do to me. Apparently this dating sim is convincing enough that people have actually married their Love Plus partner in real life, though I imagine the legality of said marriage is pretty nonexistent at best.

I do!

There are many stories of this out there about Love Plus destroying / creating marriages.

One man (known as SAL9000, pictured above) fell so in love with Nene Anegasaki (a character in Love Plus) that he married her and took her on a honeymoon to Guam. So, he and his Nintendo DS (I hope he has save file backups!) livecasted their trip on NicoNico and then held a public reception when they got back to Tokyo. [Source]

In another Love Plus story, instead creating a beautiful 2-D union the guy just ended up hurting his real life 3-D one. Koh (the guy), bought Love Plus for his DS just to see what the hype was about and found himself hooked. After committing himself to Rinko in the game, their relationship got deeper and deeper. She started calling him by his first name and began to demand more attention. BoingBoing wrote about this and did an interview about it, some of which is pasted below:

Koh, what do you and Rinko do together?
OK, this is pretty embarrassing. The DS has a mic and a touchscreen, so… one time, she asked me to say “I love you” a hundred times into the mic. I was on the airplane when she asked me that, so I was like, no way. There was also this part where you have to hold her hand on the touchscreen. If you touch her hand with the stylus, you get to hold her hand. And then there’s the part where you have to kiss her.

Did you do it?
No, no! The girl’s face shows up on the screen, and you have to touch her lips to give her a kiss. That’s pretty weird…. this is embarrassing. I’m sweating right now just talking about it. Yurie: Ew. Do people really do that? Koh: I guess some people do.

[...]

But Koh, you have a real woman in your life.
That’s why I was able to come back. Thank god! I was only stuck in that world for about a week. Also, I got hooked when I was in Japan on a business trip, so when I came back to San Francisco, I didn’t play it that much. Maybe just for a day. In the bathtub

[...]

Yeah, if I was playing too many games and that was compromising the time I spent in my real life, that would be a problem. It’s the same with Second Life or World of Warcraft. If I got too into something and couldn’t come back, that would be a problem. At the same time, though, the danger I felt when I almost got sucked into Love Plus was very human. If I was single and had gotten too into this… I don’t know, I recognized that there was a me in there that could have a real attachment to this artificial character on the other side of the DS screen. It made me think that humans could probably pretty easily develop feelings for AI robots. It’s the same with animals, right? Animals don’t speak words but you can really love them. But I do think it has something to do with the simplicity of men. I’d be really curious to see how women would react to a boy version of Love Plus.

[...]

So what is your Love Plus girlfriend doing now?
I’m too scared to find out. I’m probably going to get in big trouble if I open it after leaving her alone for several weeks. Maybe she’s dead now. That would be scary.

That’s a pretty edited version of the interview (read the full interview here), but you get the idea. The original interview included his wife as well, and she was surprisingly okay with it. She essentially said that as long as her husband knew that this was a game and that’s all, it’s okay with her. She was more concerned with the amount of time he played on it, more than anything. So, there’s hope for some of you guys yet!

Of course, there are other dating sims out there that dudes get addicted to, but this game is pretty high up there in terms of getting dudes in trouble. After coming out, wives and girlfriends got onto the internet to complain to Konami for stealing their men away. I can’t imagine the release of the 3DS helping out their cause any.

When You Love Sleeping

Personally, I’m a huge fan of sleeping. I do it every night, most nights. If only the person pillow I loved could be by my side during all those special unconscious moments! Wait! That’s a thing already!

If you head on over to Akihabara’s possibly X-rated and not X-rated shops, you’ll see all kinds of body pillows adorned with scantily clad anime ladies (and men). While this isn’t solely a Japanese thing anymore, I think it’s pretty safe to say that this whole idea either originated or got popularized in Japan.

One man, Nisan, was written about in the New York Times Magazine. The “how they met” story brings a tear to my eye.

Their first encounter — at a comic-book convention that Nisan’s gaming friends dragged him to in Tokyo — was serendipitous. Nisan was wandering aimlessly around the crowded exhibition hall when he suddenly found himself staring into Nemutan’s bright blue eyes. In the beginning, they were just friends. Then, when Nisan got his driver’s license a few months later, he invited Nemutan for a ride around town in his beat-up Toyota. They went to a beach, not far from the home he shares with his parents in a suburb of Tokyo. It was the first of many road trips they would take together. As they got to know each other, they traveled hundreds of miles west — to Kyoto, Osaka and Nara, sleeping in his car or crashing on friends’ couches to save money. They took touristy pictures under cherry trees, frolicked like children on merry-go-rounds and slurped noodles on street corners. Now, after three years together, they are virtually inseparable. “I’ve experienced so many amazing things because of her,” Nisan told me, rubbing Nemutan’s leg warmly. “She has really changed my life.”

Nisan of course knows she’s not real, but the love is, he says.

“Of course she’s my girlfriend,” he said, widening his eyes as if shocked by the question. “I have real feelings for her.”

It’s not just Nisan, either, though Nisan is much more public with his love for Nemutan because he takes her around everywhere. There are thousands of other people just like him who feel an emotional attachment to their dakimakura, and it’s turned into a kind of subculture where people make custom designs, sell them, buy them, and gather together to talk about them. One very important factor I learned about was the type of fabric. Smooth knit is good. I guess that’s the kind of thing you go on since the personality of the pillow is whatever you want it to be.

This culture is getting larger and larger too, it seems to me, and I don’t think it will slow down. We’ll talk about this more in the next section, but before we do that I just wanted to mention that if you’re looking for your very own special pillow someone, Tofugu actually runs the number one body pillow dating site in the world, so find Your One True Threadcount™ today!

When 2(D) Is More Real Than 3(D)

You may be wondering… why in the world would someone love a two-dimensional person??? While I don’t know from my own experience (except with my beautiful birdfriend Nageki Fujishiro. WHERE ARE YOU COME BACK TO ME!), similar themes came up again and again when I read through articles and research. Surprisingly, after reading so much I’ve come to realize it’s not actually all that weird and makes sense in a way. I’m not saying it’s for me, but I can see why people would feel and think this way.

First lets start with some general numbers about 2-D characters. How wide-spread is this phenomenon?L et’s take a look at a study done by 瞬刊！リサーチNEWS in May of 2013.

Q. Do you have an ideal man/woman from a 2-D world?

MEN (Answers：17,387)
- Yes: 33.6％
- No: 48.5％
- I don’t read manga and don’t watch anime: 17.8％

WOMEN (Answers：18,767)
- Yes: 40.9％
- Now: 42.9％
- I don’t read manga and don’t watch anime: 16.2％

Surprisingly, that’s 33.6% of men and 40.9% of women who said yes, they do have an ideal man/woman from a 2-D world. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of these people are in love with an two dimensional character. Far from it. It does however show how anime/manga characters are personifications of “ideal” people you’d want to know or be with. With so many of them, of course you run into one or two that match the kind of girl or guy you’d want to date. But, that’s the same as with TV dramas or movies too, and these have real people in them. So, it’s not all that different from that. Children idolize cartoon superhero characters all the time. They want to be them, which isn’t all that different from wanting to be with a cartoon character, I’d say. The line that’s drawn has to do with knowing or thinking that you can be with them. I think Japan’s line is a lot harder to see.

The difference with Japan I think is the saturation of 2-D characters. If all you see is 2-D, and if this many people are able to idealize a 2-D character, then of course some of them are going to fall in love with them too. It’s still a very small subset of people that do this, but if you throw enough cats at the wall, one or two are going to stick, you know?

So what happens if you ask a similar question, but only with otakus. Someone took a group of 500 otaku dudes and polled them already, and here are the results:

Q. What Kind Of Females Do You Like?

2D Women: 23%
2.5D Women: 9.6%
Real Women: 65.8%
*2.5d = three dimensional animated girls

So, out of the otaku subset, you have around 30% of them who reportedly prefer not-real women. Of course, preference doesn’t mean you’re dating a body pillow, but you are leaning in that direction, at least.

There are a few generalized reasons why otaku dudes are more likely to fall for a 2D girl rather than a real one as well, from what I’ve read of individual experiences:

1. There are way more otaku guys than girls. So, since otakus are more likely to date other otakus (rather than outside this otaku circle), there are fewer possible girls to date.
2. It’s harder for otakus to find dates with real people. This is partly due to shyness and partly due to confidence and partly due to lifestyle choices, supposedly.
3. Otaku tend to have very good imaginations from all the anime, manga, and storytelling that they are surrounded by. The better your imagination, the easier it is to imagine the ideal personality onto a figure, body pillow, etc. The inanimate object “comes to life” in their head because of their vivid imagination.

There are also other reasons as well. Things like bad previous relationships often play a part. Not-real people won’t hurt you or leave you or cheat on you, after all. But, if you’re not 100% committed to this lifestyle you could be hurting somebody else, too! A real person! There are so many stories of desperate girlfriends trying to make their guys love them when a 2-D girl is creating competition. Here are some summaries of people having trouble with this from various blogs, forums, and websites:

One girl complained that she has a boyfriend who can only date 2-D girls… but he loves her, though he’s sick of 3-D girls. [source]

Another girl (who also likes anime) has feelings for a guy who loves 2-D. They enjoy talking about anime together too. When she asked him if he has someone on his mind, he replied by saying he only loves 2-D girls. She wants to kokuhaku but is afraid he’ll reject him. [Source]

Another post had a list of replies on why they can only love 2-D characters. One said that it’s not that they can only love 2-D, but that they’ve never been loved by 3-D. Someone replied saying that they are the same, and only 2-D girls would accept them. Another guy talked about how the more he learned about 3-D girls, the more he loved 2-D ones. Then there’s others who said that they don’t get tired of 2-D women (like they do with 3-D ones) and yet another that said they don’t want to be hurt by a real woman, so they choose 3-D. [Source]

There was also a girl I read about who loved 2-D characters. She says she’ll never be hurt this way. She pretends she’s looking for a boyfriend so people don’t think she’s weird, but she knows that if she had a boyfriend it would take time away from being able to think about her manga characters, so she doesn’t actually want a boyfriend that much. [Source]

And lastly, there’s one person who thinks that loving 2-D women is a form of evolution. I think this was the plot of one X-Men comic I read. He says that a normal guy’s brain wave reacts when they watch porn because they live in the 3-D world. However, a 2-D lover doesn’t have the same reaction when watching 3-D porn. It does react when they watch 2-D anime, though. He further goes on to state that this is proof of some kind of evolution that allows men to survive using less energy. Around 10% of otaku guys have this evolved brain pattern. Look out, lesser-humans! [Source]

So there you have it. Maybe more people than you thought are into the 2-D. Maybe you knew it all along because you’re on the front lines. Hopefully you understand better why it goes on. I think one issue out there is that most people just automatically assume all these people are serial killers. To be honest, they’re all probably nice people. Many of them lead very normal lives (besides all this). While I’m not one to be a part of this lifestyle, I’m not going to judge it as well… poke fun? Maybe a little. But, I hope you’re nice in the comments as well. Read some of the linked articles and stories, it’s quite fascinating and interesting.

Main thing is you don’t let your 2-D or 3-D loves get in the way with each other, I think. The 3-D one will win every time. Question I have, though: is it real murder if you come home to your Nintendo DS broken in half and then drowned in water?

ANGRY KOICHI SAYS BE NICE IN THE COMMENTS, OK?

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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Before getting started, I’d like to point out again that all these examples could just be personal character traits, flaws, habits, beliefs, or senses of humor and that not all Japanese people act the same way. In fact, I found one to be quite rude and atypical. There are no generalizations because the people quoted in this article dated different people from different countries and they all have their own personalities. So, keep that in mind!

So, don’t be upset if an example related to your nationality and it doesn’t match with the way you think or feel! I’m not taking a jab at your country, and everyone knows that every person in the world has different experiences. Let’s just have some fun with this and maybe learn something along the way.

Is It True That Japanese Men Pay For Women?

In Japan, many people still believe that men paying for women is point of good manners and Koichi talked about this in What It’s Like A Dating a Japanese Guy as well. In fact, some guys even feel insulted, or that their pride was just given a ‘low-blow’, if a woman insists that she should pay for herself. This is standard dating-conduct for men in Japan. So, if you are a non-Japanese girl out on your first date with a Japanese guy, insisting to pay your half may be more hurtful than helpful to his pride.

But wait a minute! This has been changing quite a lot actually, especially amongst the newer generation of couples. Nowadays, many men wish more women would help pay for the date tab. It’s also more common for men to ask women to contribute somewhere between 20-30%. If at no point does the woman offer to pay for something, then the man may actually be lead to believe that she is not a generous or thoughtful person!

According to a research study conducted by Sankei Digital and Sankei Living from December 19, 2012 to January 15, 2013, about 70% of 169 Japanese women still prefer to be paid for while on the date. Actually, this research made many Japanese men upset to the point where they cried out “Where the heck is man-woman equality!?” I guess to be safe you should at least offer to pay, and hopefully they will reject your offer (if you didn’t want to pay)? With these ideas changing so rapidly, be careful not to step on any hurt-feelings landmines.

Men Of The Younger Generation (Kids These Days!)

Japanese men who have been educated throughout school and from societal constructs about ‘the equality of men and women’ often question the male’s responsibilities. In this article, of course that means paying for things like restaurant bills and such. I came across an interview from a man who was dating his coworker. The interview was conducted by Fukuishinbun.

In the interview, he complained that he pays a little more than his girlfriend when they go out on a date, even though the receive the same payment from their company. He believes that they should pay the same amount if their payment is exactly the same.

This change in Japanese men’s thinking was also brough up last year by a Chinese woman who was dating a Japanese guy. On their first date, they split the bill and this made her so upset that she wrote down her complaints on her blog. What she wrote took the online news sources by storm.

I had no idea why I had to pay because it was a date with my boyfriend. In China, or at least in Zhejiang where I am from, the man pays for practically everything while on dates. I’d say that the restaurant bill should be almost 100%. In fact, if a woman pays, she risks being hated by her boyfriend.

It’s not only this Chinese girl, though. Another Chinese girl (劉), a Korean girl (ハン) and an anonymous Laotian girl were also all surprised that their Japanese boyfriends didn’t pay for them. As for ハン, she was so upset when her boyfriend tried to split the bill for a ラブホテル (Love hotel) that she left him in anger.

I’m not sure about how old the Japanese guys were, but all three of these women are in their late teens and early twenties, so I assume they were dating guys who would be considered to be part of the “younger” generation. The older generation of men still expect that men should pay for women… however, younger generations are changing, so it may be best to be flexible on that stereotype.

Furthermore, one anonymous Japanese guy dating a British woman was often told by her: “I can’t believe Japanese women. They allow men to split bills because they don’t have confidence in themselves!” He used to split the bill when he was dating Japanese women, but he had to change his mind after hearing that line, at least for her. Over time, be began to get annoyed with what she said because she repeatedly complained about Japanese women who allow men to split the bill. It’s possible that the myth that all Japanese men prefer paying for everything may not have a long life if he felt this way.

Women That Prefer To Be Paid For

Like the above research suggested, many Japanese women still believe that their portion of the cost of a date should still be paid for. I also know of many Japanese girls who believe that men should always pay for women and that women should only date men who pay for them. @ya is maybe one of them and was surprised at how differently things are done in the UK.

In England, there is the concept that ‘give and take’ between a man and a woman should be equal. Regardless of whether or not it is a first date or a date between a couple with a long lasting relationship, it is pretty common to split the bill. Actually, just as a side point, you may want to be weary of a guy who insists on paying for you on the first date as it might be a sign that he is looking for a chance to sleep with you. Anyhow, I personally get annoyed by the person who puts forth so much effort to split the bill perfectly down the middle. (Hold on a second, let me root around the bottom of my purse for the 4 pennies I owe you.)

Yamaihimiko dated an American guy and she mentioned that he fronted the bill for everything, whereas inokay1123, who dated a few American men in the past, said that they all wished to split the bill and she stopped seeing them because of that. Actually, she brought up an interesting thing.

Just like many Japanese people do, I offered to pay my own bill to show my appreciation and gestured that I would hand over my money. Then, they just simply accepted it.

So, if you’re a guy who is seeking the chance to date a Japanese woman, you may want to question yourself when she poses this option. If she does offer to pay, maybe you should just say, “Don’t worry. It’s on me.” There’s a chance she’s not actually wanting to pay for half of the bill, but she’s just doing so to be polite.

Although some Japanese women complain that their international boyfriend doesn’t pay their bill, one anonymous woman who was dating a man from Thailand was very impressed. The whole bill was on him, even when she took her sister or friends. Apparently, it’s even pretty common for Thai men to borrow money from their friends before going on a date to help pay for it. It’s also normal for men to either provide their girlfriends with a ride to work, school, or accompany them to their destination, but it depends on his income as the transportation can change from bus to motorcycle to taxi to car to hovercraft.

It Doesn’t Bother Me!

As for me, personally, sure I like free food, but I didn’t care whether my boyfriend paid for me or not every time. Even now that I’m married it doesn’t matter… though that might be because there is only one wallet (our wallet). I had an ex-boyfriend who suggested that we decide who pays the bill by playing rock-paper-scissors. I accepted and from there on out we always decided that way. I found it pretty fair and kind of fun, too. While dating my Canadian husband, sometimes he would pay for me and other times I would pay for myself. It didn’t bother me, especially because I knew that I was making more money than him at the time, haha!

So, now you see that it’s not so black and white. While it’s still very much standard for the older generations to pay for a woman’s meals and date, the younger generation is changing. Some girls still expect it, other girls do not. Same with guys too. Best thing you can do if you’re a non-Japanese person dating a Japanese person is to be sure and offer if you’re a girl and attempt to reject payment offers if you’re a guy. It’s basic manners, anyways.

How does your country work in regards to this topic? Or, have you had experiences with Japanese women / men when it comes to paying for the date?