Japanese × Non Asian = 1/2 = Good looking”.

Not too long ago you read Loco’s guest post on what it’s like to be a “half child” in Japan. By reading that article you’ll learn it’s not always great to be a “half” child in Japan, sadly. However, many Japanese girls long for the appearance of a “half”; big eyes, long eye lashes, tall and sharp noses, etc… Since I married a Canadian, I bet you can guess the most common reaction I get from Japanese people.

“Oh, you married a Canadian (a white guy)? Then your child will be”half” and most likely be so cute. Jealous!”

Actually, whenever I talk to someone about my marriage for the first time, 90% or more of their reactions are the same. I personally think that it’s fairly ridiculous to say that your baby will be good looking before knowing other things, like if my husband is attractive or not, but it’s probably just a form of small-talk that people come up with.

“Half” Taking Over Television

This “half=cute” belief has probably been strengthened by those good looking idols on TV who are know to be “half”. I wouldn’t be going too far if I were to say that there has recently been a “half” baby-boom rippling across Japan. In fact, there have been so many “half” celebrities on TV over the passed few years that people often get confused who is who. Some of those celebrities even complain about how commonly it occurs. In fact, check out this “Half” special that was aired recently.

Not only TV viewers but also those who work in television sometimes believe that there are too many “half” girls and some are worried about losing their position to them. The famous comedian Hiroyuki Ariyoshi, who is known for flat-out-mean jokes, discussed this concern on his own radio program called SUNDAY NIGHT DREAMER and he said some nerd-comedians (“Nerd” because that is the actual style they attempt to portray) are losing their positions on television to these “half” girls.

The rise of cute “half” girls’ exposure is partly because there are more mixed-race kids in Japan than there used to be. According to this “List of Statistical Surveys conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare”, the number of international marriages in Japan (Japanese with non-Japanese) in the 70’s was just 5,500, but it rapidly increased in the 80’s when the Japanese economy started bubbling up. Although it peeked in 2006 (nearly 45,000 couples), there were still 23,657 international marriages last year which is over 4 times that of the 70’s.

But, this doesn’t necessarily explain the disproportionate amount of “half” celebrities on television. Some of it probably comes from the number of “half” children out there, but I wonder if some of it comes from the multi-racial families that they come from. Japanese people are generally known to be fairly shy and timid, which isn’t very good for television. However, many non-Japanese ethnicities are known to be much more outgoing and “friendly”, which is good for television. The way that “half” children are raised probably makes more of them more outgoing than the average Japanese (as we saw in Loco’s article, mentioned above). So, not only are they especially “good looking” with their “half”-look, but they’re also more outgoing too. What a perfect combination for a television personality! Of course, this is only just me thinking out loud, but it seems fairly plausible in some situations.

Transformers

The more that pretty “half” girls are exposed, the more that Japanese girls will want to look like them. Although there may be some Japanese guys who pine for that “half” look, most of them don’t put makeup on themselves, so it’s harder for them to change their appearance (unless they want to be made fun of for wearing makeup).

Girls, on the other hand, are very makeup capable and some of them are very persistent in their quest look like “half” girls. Those wanna-be-half girls have created various ways to look like like they’re “half” or non-Japanese and keep posting how-to videos on Youtube, some being quite popular. I’d like to introduce some of their makeup methods today. It’s pretty impressive how drastically they can change their appearance!

God Make Ayano Saito’s “Half” Face Makeup

nuts×GODMakeup.

Naokoの秋のハーフ顔メイク！(Naoko’s “half” face makeup for fall)

“Half” face makeup

After watching these videos it’s clear that the features you have concentrate on are the eyebrows and the eyes. Since Asian faces are flatter compared to non-Asian people’s, it’s important to make your facial features more 3D. Here’s some things that they tend to do to achieve this:

• Drawing their eyebrows thicker.
• Make the space between their eyebrows and eyes narrower.
• Make the inside tip of the eyebrow a little thicker so that it looks less flat.
• Apply many grades of eye shadow, thickener.
• Create longer eye-lines.
• Apply highlight to their nose lines to make them appear taller.

In addition to “3D-ifying” their face, color contacts and fake eyelashes seem to be a staple of their tool kit. If you think about it, there’s nothing that says “half” or “not Japanese” like eyes that aren’t dark brown.

When Makeup Isn’t Enough

I’m not totally sure how much time they spend putting their makeup on, but it seems to be quite a lot. I don’t typically use makeup myself, except for special occasions, so I admire their passion for this and the time and effort they put forth. However, there are some people who want to look like a “half” but consider it too troublesome to spend so much time on makeup. For those people, there are many plastic surgeons who provide “half-looking” or “foreigner-looking” facial reconstructive surgeries. Takasu Clinic is one of them and you can see their ad for that kind of surgery.

But, paying for these surgeries can be expensive. It is surgery after all! This woman paid over $100,000 to look more Western. It turned out fairly well, but I find it hard to believe that there aren’t many problems or mistakes that get made along the way.

I’m really not sure if I can agree with doing this – you should enjoy how you look and be happy with what you’ve been given. But, I can’t pretend to know how people think, it is their bodies after all. I mean, there are some surgeries that make you look more “Western” but also have some practicality as well. For example, getting a surgery to change your eyelids to a double lid is fairly popular. This makes your eyes bigger which makes you look more Western. Plus, when you get older you’ll be able to see because your eyelids won’t be drooping so much as they start to sag.

Beyond things like that, though, it’s taking this craze a little too far, I think. What if one day you wake up and you’ve suddenly changed your mind? Or what if you go into surgery and they mess up completely? The negatives are just too great. Plus, you should be happy with how you look!

Giving It A Try

After getting all judgemental on you, it’s time to make a U-turn and try some of this myself. I don’t usually put makeup on (as I mentioned above), but we’ve just seen a lot of tips so I thought “why don’t I try one of them.”

There’s a problem, though… I don’t have any of those makeup staples, such as color contacts or fake eyelashes. Thankfully there is Photoshop, though, so I hit up my virtual makeup artist Aya. Are you ready? Here I go, I’m about to become “half”.

Here’s without makeup

Here’s a little makeup “added”

Now I look half?

Two thirds?

The first thing I did when I looked at the pictures above was to say “OMG!” and then laugh. I felt very strange to see myself looking like that. Well, I like the second one, but in the last two pictures where I put the color contacts in and dyed my hair….they looked kind of scary. I forwarded them to my parents and they laughed, too. This experiment turned out to be a great excuse for me to stick with black hair and brown eyes. I like being “natural”, after all.

The second picture also made me imagine our future daughter. I don’t have any kids now, but if I had a daughter, she might look kind of like her. Thank God my husband doesn’t have blue eyes or blond hair, so I guess she won’t look like the scary ones…as long as she doesn’t put this kind of make-up on!

Bonus Wallpapers!

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As expected, there are not many places in the world that take more of a jaw-dropping turn than Japan when it comes to disturbing toys. That being said, here are my top ten most disturbing Japanese toys that I would seriously hesitate giving to any child.

10. Poop and Pee Plushies

Japan has a strange relationship with poop. I can’t tell you how many potty-training and poop related children’s toys I’ve come across, but it’s more than I could have ever imagined. Sure, poop jokes are always funny, but somehow the idea of teaching your child to snuggle with their own excrement via plushies just doesn’t sound healthy to me. Please, prove me wrong.

9. H-Bouya USB Toy

The H-Bouya is a plug in USB toy in the form of a small boy. I’m not sure what twisted tween-age mind came up with this one, but the H-Bouya’s main trick is giggling and blushing every time you press the letter “h” on your keyboard. In Japanese “h” stands for “etchi,” meaning sex, erotic, or pervert (oh my god, she said “h” hehehehe). The H-bouya also reacts to other love related words like suki (like/love), deeto (date), and much more.

I guess it’s kinda funny, but I’m not sure if the H-bouya is supposed to be amusing for kids or adults. It seems like it would get old faster than the new Ferby which lasted only about 30 seconds after I turned it on.

8. Virus Plush

In the past few years, plushies in the shape of diseases have become pretty common in the States, but that’s not the only place. This Japanese plush for babies is modeled after a virus for maximum fun time! Above left is the Japanese virus plush. Below, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). And above right, a small child that appears to be contracting AIDS.

Am I the only one that sees the resemblance? No? Well, this is sure to be a happy ending. I can’t see how anything could go wrong here.

7. Face Bank

My parents have always taught me the importance of saving money, but honestly, I’ve never really been any good at it. But you know, It’s really a shame that a bank like this one didn’t exist when I was a kid because I’m sure I would have saved money in fear that Satan would devour my soul if I didn’t offer it my lunch money as tribute.

As shown, the Face Bank comes in solid colors and is rather plain – that is, expect for the soulless, haunting eyes and subhuman face protruding from the front of it. The Face Bank will stare you down with its lifeless, chimpanzee face until you appease it with your pocket change. It will then proceed to devour said change with its robotic jaws and then let out a satisfied belch.

There is something truly terrifying about a robotic creature mimicking human-like functions in such a lifeless manner. Seriously, this thing is pure nightmare fuel.

6.Road Kill Cat

“Mommy? What happened to Mittens?” Don’t even bother conjuring up some BS story about Mittens running  away or going off to play with the neighbors. Just throw your kid this thing and they’ll eventually get the idea. Or, at least it will give them something to do with all those extra Hot Wheels cars laying around the house. I’m sure they’ll be just as happy as the kid on the package- all smiles! :D

5. Rubber Lips

Do you remember those old “candy” lips that looked really tasty but actually tasted like freshly waxed baboon butt (and were about the same color)? That’s what these Japanese toy rubber lips reminded me of when I first saw them, only somehow much more disturbing (not at all in a suggestive way). Japanese rubber lips are mobile, so you can preform a range of activities while wearing them including talking, eating hoagies, or even scaring the Milk of Magnesia out of your aged neighbors! Honestly, I’m not sure what the purpose of these things is, but I really don’t want to know.

4. Russian Roulette Toy Gun

“Hey guys! I’ve got a great idea!” Let’s play with guns!” That’s basically what this Japanese Russian Roulette game says to me. The game includes a toy gun similar to a Nerf gun that “fires” randomly. Young children put the toy gun to their heads and pull the trigger to test their luck. Somehow making the gun shoot out hippopotamus legs instead of bullets is supposed to make this so much more acceptable.

Sounds like a roaring good time to me. In expert mode kids use a real gun!

3. Japanese Pregnant Doll

All this time I’ve been deluded into thinking Japan has been coming out with a steadily more shocking line of toys every year, but I was wrong. This 19th century doll showing the stages of pregnancy is on my list of the top 3 most disturbing toys ever. It’s only saving grace is the fact that this doll was originally made as a medical model. However, evidence suggests that it was later used for entertaining children.

This, however, raises more disturbing questions. Call me culturally ignorant, but who decided a pregnancy doll was a great thing to use as a child’s play thing? My money is on a doctor giving whatever he had on hand that wasn’t pointy to his children in order to make them shut up, and it happened to be this.

2. You Can Shave the Baby!

This toy has become a sort of myth on the internet and among Japanese toy enthusiasts. However, after doing some research, I found that this toy was originally designed by the Polish artist Zbigniew Libera. Even though this discovery was slightly disappointing, I still think “You Can Shave the Baby” qualifies as one of the disturbing toys ever in Japan.

As you can see, this baby doll comes with hair on all sorts of exciting regions of the body. And you know what the best part is? You can shave it! Unfortunately, it doesn’t grown back, but nothing beats the joy one gets from a good, clean shave. Am I right?

In all seriousness though, I wouldn’t touch this thing with a ten foot pole. Just look at its death glare (it must be unhappy from all that hair). And from the looks of things on the internet, I would say people tend to agree on this subject.

Warning: This video is PG-13

I sincerely hope I’m not the only one here who thinks there is something exceedingly unnerving about having your child shave an infant’s pelvic hair. This is psychopath-making material, right here.

1. Baby in the Microwave Toy

It both encourages me and horrifies me to know that, no matter how desensitized I think I am to ludicrous Japanese inventions, there is always something new to prove me wrong. The baby in the microwave toy is, sadly, exactly what it sounds like: the model of a small child who has been blown up in a microwave. I’m not sure if things could get any more deranged even if I tried.

Honestly, I would have loved to be there to see the sales pitch for this one. The man who pitched this must have been a genius (or a great comedian) to convince someone to market this “gem” of a toy.

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This is just a small sampling of the number of disturbing toys in the world. Unfortunately, there are many, many more both inside and outside of Japan. What is the creepiest toy you’ve ever seen or heard of? Let us know! Share your story with us in the comments section below!

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Bonus Wallpapers!

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“This looks awesome!” says a much younger Koichi

Then I grew up, and everything became sad. Now I’m working at Tofugu (speaking of trash and garbage). Ugh, my boss at Tofugu is so horrible I might as well be a prisoner! I can tell you one thing. Don’t drop the soap around here. You’ll totally have to clean it up yourself so nobody slips and hurts themselves.

What Japanese Kids Want To Become

All that aside, Daiichi Life Insurance Company in Japan ran an interesting survey recently, finding out what these kids’ aspirations were. Some of the top responses made sense to me, others less so. Here, why don’t you take a look yourself?

Boys

1. Soccer Player
2. Scholar or PhD / Doctorate
2. Police Officer / Detective*
4. Baseball Player
5. TV or Anime Character
6. Astronaut
6. Food Related Worker*
6. Train, Bus, or Car Driver*
9. Doctor
10. Fireman
10.Paramedic*
10. Carpenter*

Girls

1. Food Related Worker
2. Nurse
3. Kindergarten Teacher
4. Doctor
5. Flower Show Worker
5. School Teacher / Cram School Teacher*
7. Animal Handler / Pet Shop Worker / Animal Trainer
8. Piano Teacher / Pianist
8. Police Officer / Detective*
10. Designer

* Tied with the previous item on the list.

There’s some fun ones in there. Of course, you have the TV or Anime Character kids, who want nothing more than to “Catch ‘em All” or some other BS like that. Then of course you have the girls wanting to become food related workers right from the start (I guess they start molding them early in Japan). One interesting one was the piano teacher. I wonder how many of these girls were even learning piano at the time. Lastly, I thought it was cool how some girls wanted to become police officers / detectives too, just like the boys (even if it was farther down the list). You go, girls.

There was also some interesting insight into this survey from the source, too. For example, the top spots for both girls and boys (soccer player / food shop owner/worker) has been the top spot for 16 years in a row now. For #2 on the boys’ list, it’s the first time in 21 years that “Police Officer / Detective” has been ranked this high. Last year, nurse was #5 for girls, but an increase in popularity for nursing has apparently shot it up to #2 this year. Doctor has also risen from 12th last year to 4th this year. Was there some kind of popular doctor / nurse drama or show in Japan over the last year?
I seem to recollect at least one, though Daiichi Life Insurance seems to think it was in response to the giant Tohoku Earthquake. These kids just want to help out! That’s super sweet of them, I think.

The most interesting thing to me is that a lot of these occupations are the kinds of things that American kids (and other countries too, I imagine) would want to get into as well. Besides a few exceptions (piano teacher, scholar, and flower show worker being a few), it seems that kids will be kids. What about you, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Where College Kids Want To Be

Photo by Jason Bache

Fast forward a bunch of years. Now these kids are in college, and they’re about to graduate. Real life is about to start! While I couldn’t find surveys on what they want to be now that they’re in college (I think it really starts to vary a lot more when people get older), I did get a survey that figured out where students would like to work, divided by both gender and type of college degree. That’ll have to do. Here are the results:

B.A. Students (Male)

1. 三菱商事 Mitsubishi Corporation
2. 住友商事 Sumitomo Corporation
3. 三菱東京ＵＦＪ銀行 The Bank of Tokyo-Mitsubishi UFJ, Ltd.
4. 伊藤忠商事 ITOCHU Corporation
5. 東京海上日動火災保険 Tokio Marine & Nichido Fire Insurance Co., Ltd.
6. 丸紅 Marubeni Corporation
7. みずほフィナンシャルグループ Mizuho Financial Group, Inc.
8. 三井住友銀行 Sumitomo Mitsui Banking Corporation
9. 三菱ＵＦＪ信託銀行 Mitsubishi UFJ Trust and Banking Corporation.
10. 三井物産 MITSUI & CO., LTD.

B.A. Students (Female)

1. 東京海上日動火災保険 Tokio Marine & Nichido Fire Insurance Co., Ltd.
2. 三菱東京ＵＦＪ銀行 The Bank of Tokyo-Mitsubishi UFJ, Ltd.
3. 住友商事 Sumitomo Corporation
4. 三菱ＵＦＪ信託銀行 Mitsubishi UFJ Trust and Banking Corporation.
5. 三井住友銀行 Sumitomo Mitsui Banking Corporation
6. みずほフィナンシャルグループ Mizuho Financial Group, Inc.
7. ジェイティービー（ＪＴＢ）グループ JTB Group Organization
8. 丸紅 Marubeni Corporation
9. オリエンタルランド Oriental Land Co., Ltd.
10. 三井住友銀行 Sumitomo Mitsui Banking Corporation

B.S.  Students (Male)

1. 東日本旅客鉄道（ＪＲ東日本）East Japan Railway Company
2. 日立製作所 Hitachi, Ltd.
3. 住友商事 Sumitomo Corporation
4. ＮＴＴデータ　NTT DATA Corporation
5. 東芝 Toshiba Corporation
6. ロッテグループ Lotte Group Organization
7. 三菱商事 Mitsubishi Corporation
8. 丸紅 Marubeni Corporation
9. 東海旅客鉄道（ＪＲ東海）Central Japan Railway Company
10. 伊藤忠商事 ITOCHU Corporation

B.S.  Students (Female)

1. ロッテグループ Lotte Group Organization
2. カゴメ Kagome Co.,Ltd
3. サントリーホールディングス Suntory Holdings Limited.
4. 明治グループ（明治・Meiji Seika　ファルマ）Meiji Holdings Limited.
5. 森永製菓 Morinaga & Co.,Ltd
6. ミツカングループ本社 Mizkan Group Corporation.
7. 日清製粉グループ Nisshin Seifun Group Inc.
8. 味の素 Ajinomoto Co., Inc.
9. 資生堂 Shiseido
10. 森永乳業 Morinaga Milk Industry Co., Inc.

See any familiar companies? I bet you see some. Do all of them make sense to you, in terms of how they’re ranked?

One thing that I thought was funny was how the B.S. Students (Male) seemed to still be into trains. Remember how boys wanted to be train conductors? Well, apparently they still like trains, because both #1 and #9 have to do with trains in some way or another. While it doesn’t say what they want to do with trains, the connection is still there no matter what, and I got a little chuckle out of it. Choo choo!

Another thing I noticed was that at least in the B.S. category, women seemed to favor more food related companies. If you remember back to the earlier “what I want to be when I grow up” list, girls really wanted to be working at a food shop. So, during that time growing up they were still interested in food, and still hoped to get into a food related business, even if it’s not opening your own restaurant or something along those lines.

Dying For Your Job

Growing up, graduating, then finding a job isn’t all fun and games, though. In a third survey, I learned about the 早死にする職業ランキング, i.e. the ranking of occupations that will kill you the fastest. These jobs will cut the years off your life (or perhaps even simply just drive you to suicide). There were a few things they talked about that could influence your longevity.

1. If you can decide what to do by yourself.
2. If you don’t overwork or over drink/eat after work (as a part of work, with clients, etc).
3. If you work on a fixed shift.

So for example, being a salesman in a big advertising agency (#1 on the list) will cause you to have to work crazy hard for your boss, make you overwork a ton, and then lastly send you out late into the evenings to drink and eat the nights away with clients. While all this drinking and eating doesn’t sound so bad at first, it really does grate on you. This required near-alcoholism (or maybe not even “near”) isn’t going to be good on your long term health. Not to mention how little sleep you’ll be getting most nights. In the long run, this is going to be very bad for you. So, because of this difficult work schedule, it’s thought that being a salesman at a big advertising agency will bring on our friend The Reaper the fastest.

You already know number one, but here’s the top ten ranking for occupations that will make you die young, according to the survey:

1. 大手広告代理店の営業: Salesman at a big advertising agency
2. IT企業の下請けSE: SE (System Engineer) subcontractor for an IT company
3. チェーン飲食店店長: Manager of a chain restaurant
4. 若手官僚: Young bureaucrat
5. 病棟勤務の看護師: Nurse working at a hospital
6. タクシー運転手: Taxi driver
7. LCCの客室乗務員: Cabin attendant of LCC (low-cost carrier)
8. 自衛官: Japanese Self Defense Force member
9. 公立学校の教員: Teacher of a public school
10. トラック運転手: Long-haul truck driver

There was also some explanation as to why some of these jobs were considered killers of your long life. For example, with the system engineer subcontractor (#2), the manager of a chain restaurant (#3), and Japanese Self Defense Force member (#8), you’re overworked and have no self-decision. I think you can see how this would shorten your life string.

On the other hand, if you’re a young bureaucrat (perhaps they don’t live long enough to become middle-aged or old bureaucrats?) you have no self-decision because of your age. Then, you’re overworking yourself to prove yourself. It’s said that 3 of every 20 young bureaucrats killed themselves within ten years of starting their jobs. They do, however, make a very good salary for how young they are, so… money > life & happiness, right?

Lastly, nurses (#5), taxi drivers (#6), cabin attendants of a LCC (#7), and teachers at public schools (#9) are all overworked, have irregular shifts, and have no self-decision. Don’t worry, though. If you go teach English in Japan, it’s not anywhere as bad as the regular teachers have it. In fact, some would say it’s quite an easy job, though you will probably have a problem with “no self-decision.” So you probably won’t have to worry about JET cutting a decade off your life, I’m pretty sure.

Still, looking back to survey number one, you can once again see some connections. Some of those kids’ dreams have come true! Sadly, those dreams will kill them off earlier rather than later. Taxi driver (driving a car!), long haul truck driver (driving a truck, beep beep!), nurse, manager at a chain restaurant, and teacher were all mentioned in one way or another on the survey that listed the children’s life aspirations. Someone should tell these kids that maybe these jobs aren’t what they’re cut out to be. Apparently, the kids who wanted to be Ultraman when they grew up had the right idea. Who knew?

They called my dreams stupid… but now they’re all dead. DEAD! AHAHAHA!

So there you have it. We went through the Japanese child’s mind, seeing what they wanted to be when they grew up. Then, we jumped to the Japanese college graduate and saw where they wanted to work most. Lastly, we took a look at the Japanese jobs that will kill you the fastest, and saw how many children followed their dreams… even if it meant an earlier death for them (dun dun dunnnnn!).

Whatever the results of these three surveys are, though, every person and every job is going to be different. There are a lot of broad assumptions being made in surveys like these, so it’s best to take it all with a grain of salt. Still, it gives you a little insight into the hopes and dreams of kids as well as work society in Japan, so I think it’s interesting nonetheless.

As for you, what did you want to be when you were growing up? What did you end up becoming? I definitely had a few weird phases as a child (even besides a garbage picker upper). They included Power Ranger, “Inventor,” and “owner of a giant castle filled with robots to fight the US army that would undoubtedly come for me after they learn of my aspirations for world domination.” Sadly, only “inventor” kind of came true, though I still have the rest of my life for the other two. I hope the quotes around “inventor” worry you a little bit. You should be worried. Or maybe just “worried.” I don’t know.

Bonus Wallpapers!

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No, I’m not entertained by the parts of the show with puppets teaching children about the world. It’s the filler in between those segments of the show that really interest me.

In between the educational parts of the show, Rube Goldberg machines fill up time. A Rube Goldberg machine is an elaborate contraption that has a very complex was of doing something very simple.

The Rube Goldberg machines in PythagoraSwitch are short, complicated ways of announcing the show’s title. The machine sets into action, goes through its paces, announces the title, and the show’s theme plays.

On paper, these filler pieces don’t seem that appealing, but the charm of these devices made of household objects and the catchy theme song have made them a hit in Japan and abroad.

It’s amazing to me that creating these machines is somebody’s job. Being paid to build these intricate devices seems like it would be a childhood dream come true.

Homemade PythagoraSwitches

These PythagoraSwitch have become so popular that people have started making their own at home. Japanese kids (no doubt with some help from their parents) have created their own PythagoraSwitch Rube Goldberg machines:

It’s pretty impressive that kids had a part in making these, considering I probably would have been eating glue at their age.

But it’s not just for kids. Adults have also tried their hand an creating their own, PythagoraSwitch-inspired Rube Goldberg machines.

Japanese YouTube sensation Megwin even did their own, very bizarre PythagoraSwitch-style video, called “Pythagora Torture Switch” (ピタゴラ拷問スイッチ):

Rocking Out To PythagoraSwitch

The PythagoraSwitch theme always gets stuck in my head after watching a video or two and apparently, I’m not the only one. Tons of people have whipped up their own covers of the PythagoraSwitch theme.

And it’s not just direct covers of the song; people have played the theme on a range of instruments.

Even on the mighty baritone sax, the theme from PythagoraSwitch is light and catchy.

Algorithm March

Aside from its charming Rube Goldberg machines, PythagoraSwitch is also known for its “Algorithm March.” It’s an elaborate dance where each move complements the next. The Algorithm March is catchy, fun, and complicated.

And the Algorithm March, like the Rube Goldberg machines, has gone far beyond PythagoraSwitch and Japanese children. People across the world have learned the Algorithm March and performed it on their own, including inmates from the infamous Philippine dancing prison.

What’s your favorite part of PythagoraSwitch? Tell me in the comments!

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Kid’s songs are a wonderful resource to help you learn Japanese better. They are often overlooked because… well, they are a bit silly, but I think they are worth a second look. I’m going to cover a bit of theory here (I promise not too much), and then look at 6 kid’s songs you might use in your studies.

The How

Now I can see you scratching your heads. How can stupid kid’s songs help me learn Japanese? Right? Hold that thought. Let me ask you a question: Can you remember any of the children’s songs you learned when you were a kid? I’m guessing yes.

The basic problems with learning Japanese are pretty well known at this point. If you are a regular Tofugu reader, you probably know many of them. Two of the biggest ones, I think, are that we make our study too hard and we don’t have fun. These are actually two parts of the same problem.

The effects of these two problems are so common they almost go without saying: 1) loss of motivation and 2) burn-out. Kid’s songs help combat this by adding a bit of fun back into your study routine, and also by secretly working on your listening, recognition and (if you are brave and sing out loud with them) your pronunciation and speaking.

How’s that work, huh? Have you heard of a fella by the name of Alexander Arguelles. He’s a professor of languages, a polyglot who can speak some 30+ languages to varying levels of mastery (including some Japanese) . His primary method for learning is the shadow method. I’m sure you all have heard of this, right? This is where someone says something and we attempt to repeat it back at nearly the same moment, maybe only a second or two behind. Now the shadow method is common enough in language learning these days, but he recommends starting with a very strict version of it where all you do is shadow. No looking at text (reading), no looking at the translation to figure out what you are saying, just shadowing.

Crazy you say? How will I know what I’m saying/learning? That’s the point. By only shadowing you are narrowing your learning focus to just a couple things: listening, that is focusing on the actual sounds, and speaking. Interestingly, these are often the hardest areas for language learners to master. You can memorize as many words/sentences, as much grammar as you want, but if you have trouble understanding when someone talks to you or if you have trouble finding the right words when you speak, all that knowledge is for waste.

(If you want to know more about Prof Arguelles and his theories, start with this video on youtube, where he discusses his shadowing approach)

Still awake? Apologizes for all that boring theory. I think it’s useful to consider this stuff. At any rate, on to the list of songs. Most or all of these are very well known by the Japanese, so you will be sure to pleasantly surprise people if you manage to memorize any.

6 great Japanese kid’s songs

First, Mary had a little lamb.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNHitUDJ1zo']

This is about as easy as you are going to get. Unfortunately, the video has English in it. Remember, at this point we really aren’t concerned with what the Japanese actually means. Concentrate on the sounds, both hearing them and reproducing them as best you can.

The acorn song!

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttLIUO3VH0M']

This is a fun song. Can you clearly understand the kids’ singing? Listen a few times before you try to shadow it.

Pushing the difficulty up a little, here is The Dog Policeman.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrqVkdGHJZs']

This one is one of those everyone loves. I hear kids singing it all the time in the stores. The video is funny, too. The kana is on the video, but remember, we are working our listening not reading. Try to use your ears to figure out what sounds they are making.

Both the songs from My Neighbor Totoro are fun and easy to learn. Here’s a video with both of them.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdALlQcS284']

As an added bonus, the kids in this video are adorable.

Ah, the Taikaki Song. This song is long and a little challenging, but he sings slowly and you should be able to follow along after a few trys. Unfortunately the one I want to embed here has embedding disabled. Go watch that version at youtube for some animation that will help you understand the song. Here’s another version with the guy who sings it. Awesome hair!

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8A2VzNL9kA']

Do you know what Taiyaki is? It’s kind of a hotcake with anko inside in the shape of a fish. This is quite an old song, but mention it or hum a few bars and you’ll bring a smile to the face of anyone over 30 .

Finally, the Japanese dub of one we probably all know. Challenge yourself and learn this version.

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8NKp4sGe14']

Want more?

Follow any of these videos to youtube and you should find a great many video links to other kid’s songs. Find some you like and learn them. You’ll enjoy yourself and it really will help your Japanese.

This post was written by Dave of JapanDave.com who Tweets and has a great newsletter full of amazing pictures of Japan.

This article was written by Caitlin O’Mara, who has worked for three years in the Tohoku revion of Japan as an assistant English Teacher. She studies Japanese in her free time and works as a contract web geek, providing that a BA in East Asian Studies is not entirely worthless. She can be found at caitlinomara.com.

If you’ve watched the episode of Naruto where he tries to kancho Kakashi, you should know what I’m going to talk about. If you’re unfamiliar with this “fun” childrens’ game, it’s pretty simple: put your hands together with your index fingers out and try to ram them up your best friend (or even better, teacher’s) butt. Not only is this this a harmless game for your friends, it’s also a great deal of fun to do to your teachers.

Little kids here are adept at kancho for two reasons. First, they’re just little kids. This means that they’re small, fast, and have no developed sense of empathy or shame. Second, Japanese parents and teachers are remarkably lenient with the under-6 age group. People give the US flak about having spoiled, obese, unruly children but Japan seems to embrace the idea that “kids will be kids” even more. This means that up until they enter elementary school, teachers are at the mercy of the pack. (I should point out that most of the kids are well-behaved, but if you’re perceived as weak or foreign, they attack in groups with the viciousness of the candiru fish.)

But wait, that’s not all!

Kancho is only the tip of the iceberg. While it remains one of the more popular “torture” methods of my preschool aged kids, they have a whole arsenal of ways to make me wish I’d received my rape whistle (Many kids have whistles they can blow, in case of a pervert. Excuse me, but where’s my whistle? I think I need one more than them!) during college.

• The boob grab
  This seems to be the second most common attack, if you’re female (If you’re male, they hit a little further south). Boys and girls alike have no problem running up and giving you a good squeeze. It’s almost like the preschool handshake.
• The boob punch
  The preschool high five. Obviously, more painful.
• The crotch grab
  More commonly executed on boys (because, let’s face it, there’s more to grab if you’re male), though, the students who have yet to grasp the anatomical differences between men and women will still happily try both. Then they get confused when their little grab and dash doesn’t affect me.
• The stomach/butt punch
  This is mostly a height-induced limit – they can’t really reach any higher without a running jump. Little kids loves to hit and punch and I’ve even seen them do this to their own mothers! Without any disciplinary action later! It’s not too bad but if you have a full bladder, it can be quite painful…and almost embarrassing.
• The face slap
  Quite simply, the kids like to jump up and try to hit you in the face. I should buy them all purple pimp hats.
• Biting
  This one’s a bit of a conundrum and I’m not sure I understand it entirely. The teachers say its because they like me so much, they get so excited by my presence, that they have to bite something. Me.

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Surviving the wretched hive of scum and villainy

After being thrown into a preschool by your employers (who are probably off to drink and laugh at your pain and suffering), you develop certain survival skills. These are things they don’t teach you in any education class or during the orientation session.

1. Wear baggy clothing: Reduces the effect of all attacks except the Face Slap. Nullifies biting.
2. Keep your back to the wall: Nullifies kancho and butt punch. Expect attacks on crotch to increase as the primary target has been removed.
3. Know where your students are at all times: Decreases likelihood of an attack succeeding.
4. Take a hostage: Decreases all frontal attacks. Nullifies boob grab, boob punch, and biting. Powerful defense.
5. Hide in the teachers’ room: Nullifies all attacks. Beware of the Rogue, who can still attack but will suffer unknown penalty later on.

As a final note, I should state that, despite these frequent attacks on my posterior’s integrity, I really do like going to the various preschools. Most of the time, the kids actually enjoy learning English, something the majority of junior high school students hate. Plus, the kids are so cute it’s hard to stay annoyed at those vicious little fingers for long. But I’m fairly certain that even back in the US, whenever I see a cute little Asian kid, I’ll be keeping my back to the wall.