★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ … a breath of fresh air when compared to other podcasts about Japan. ” – xXMr.MentosXx
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ As a college student who is studying the Japanese language and culture, I highly recommend these podcasts if you’re looking for good tips. ” – The LastSnorlax
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ Love this podcast. They get wonderful guest speakers. ” – atejapan
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ I’m a self taught Japanese student and these podcasts are a great resource. ” – Sky girl087
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ … full of subjects that no one else covers! ” – voctorsneba
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ “ One for each rooster. ” – Habadee Gee
You read the reviews for the Tofugu podcast. It’s nice other people like the podcast, you think, but what about me and my unique and complicated tastes? What if…
You’re learning Japanese? Turn to page 34.
You’re planning to travel to Japan? Turn to page 98.
You’re already in Japan? Turn to page 342.
None of the above applies to you. Turn to page 299.
Page 34: You are learning Japanese
The Tofugu podcast doesn’t teach you Japanese, but it will tell you how to study more effectively. We’ve covered topics such as:
- How some popular resources trick you into feeling like you’re making progress, when you’re not.
- Why going to Japan might be more economical, and effective, than joining a Japanese language class.
- How to deal with those tricky transitive and intransitive verbs.
- One free trick that will get a ton of Japanese people to talk to you in public places.
While you’re reading this promotional copy, you hear a rustle in the bushes behind you. A small hairy ape-like man steps out. You wave, but it takes this as a sign of aggression and eats you. Go back to the beginning of this book and try again.
Page 98: You are planning to travel to Japan
The Tofugu staff (and their guests) know their stuff when it comes to weird, off the beaten track, “B-kyuu” sightseeing spots, restaurants, and shops. If you want to know about the most popular and well documented tourist attractions in Japan… you should listen to another podcast. We’ll cover things like:
- Jesus’ actual burial location… in Northern Japan.
- The second best show on earth.
- Being vegetarian in Japan.
- Getting into the underground music scene.
- Everyone’s best hot spring experiences.
All this talk got you interested in traveling to Japan. Twenty four hours later, you find yourself at the base of Mt. Hiba. Two hours after that, you find yourself in the stomach of a hibagon. You lose. Go back to the beginning of this book and try again.
Page 299: None of the above applies to you
“Ugh, I hate Japan!” you say. “I can’t listen to another moment of your gomi talk.”
You slam your laptop closed, and turn around. There it is, looking you right in the face.
How long has it been standing there, you wonder.
You both stare at each other, unmoving. Your fear recedes with time and is replaced by awkward feelings. “Is that lust?” you ask yourself. “No, it’s just awkwardness,” you realize.
You move to the left . It stays stationary, but its eyes follow your movement.
Going to the right results in more of the same.
The hibagon goes in for a kiss. You freeze again, blushing. But it wasn’t a kiss, and the hibagon eats you. Go back to the beginning of the book and try again.
Page 342: You’re already in Japan
You live in Japan, you visit Japan, or you just woke up one morning with dried blood and a sharp pain in the back of your head (in Japan). Whatever your reason, you want to make the experience of being in Japan better. We’ve got your back (except for that one time when someone hit you on the back of the head and dropped you off, bound and gagged, in front of Shibuya Station).
We’ve covered topics such as:
- What can you expect, in terms of being stereotyped?
- Celebrating Christmas “correctly” while in Japan.
- How to get a job in Japan (even a non-English-teaching one).
- Getting your gray-area-but-not-illegal gambling on.
You feel someone helping you to untie your hands. “Thank you,” you say. “Thank you, where am I?”
“You’re in Shibuya,” you hear a deep voice say. “And I’ve been waiting for you, for a long time.”
You turn around to thank your savior, but all you see is a dog.
“Yes?” the dog asks.
“Yes,” says Hachiko, as he gives you a thumbs up.
Page 12: The end of the book
As you finish reading the promotional copy for Tofugu’s podcast, you consider what you will do next. On one hand, it was very convincing. So you…
Go to the Zune store (you don’t have anything to play podcasts on!). Turn to page 983.
Go subscribe to the podcast on iTunes. Turn to page 103.
Listen to the podcast on Soundcloud. Turn to page 55.
Do nothing. Turn to page 299.
Page 103: Subscribe on iTunes
You click on a link and it takes you to iTunes where you subscribe, rate, and review (wink wink, nudge nudge).
Page 55: Subscribe on Soundcloud
You click on the link and it takes you to Soundcloud.
Wait, you’re listening to this podcast on Soundcloud?
Tofugu judges you a little bit, but you subscribe anyways.
Page 983: Do nothing
You arrive at the address given to you, and find yourself in front of an old, sliding glass door. The layer of dust tells you it hasn’t been used for many years. You knock and listen. Is that a croak you heard? Taking this “croak” as permission to enter, you push open the door. At one time it was automatic, but clearly not anymore. An old man looks up from the counter. Despite how much he has aged, you’d recognize this man anywhere. It is Steve Balmer.
“Oh, you’re here! Someone’s here! Come, child. Come.”
He waves you over, and you go closer.
“Let me see, let me see. Try this one.”
Steve Balmer plops a Zune in your hands. It cries softly.
“No no no, that won’t do. That won’t do at all.” He digs through a plastic bin, pulling out Zune after Zune, rejecting them all. “Perhaps. No. Oh how about? No…”
From the corner of the room, you hear a soft jingle.
Balmer throws another Zune out, mumbling to himself about file types.
Balmer curses under his breath.
He stands up straight, looking around the room.
“Did you hear that, child? Could it be?”
Old man Balmer runs off to a dark corner and comes back moments later with a green limited Halo 3 Edition Microsoft Zune 30GB model. The Zune is writhing in his hands, screaming with what could only be described as erotic joy. When he gets within a meter of you, the Zune springs from his hands and lands in your front shirt pocket where it moans happily.
“I’m free… this curse… I’m free.” Steve Balmer smiles. “Now get out of here child. Leave at once. No need to pay, run along.” He pushes you outside, and the sun momentarily blinds you. He takes this opportunity to slide the door shut and the lock makes a click.
You look at your limited edition Halo 3 Zune and it looks back at you with a big smile.
“What is your purpose?” you ask.
“I play Tofugu podcasts,” it says.
“Is that it?” you ask?
“Yes.” it says.
You are satisfied, and listen to the Tofugu podcast on your weird, magical Zune.
If you don’t have a magical Tofugu-podcast-playing Zune, though, you can find the Tofugu podcast wherever podcasts are distributed: