I bet a lot of you have heard about this. James Wong is directing a live action version of DragonBall (and probably going to ruin his career in the process, though there isn’t much to ruin when you directed Final Destination 3). Not since Ramen Girl has anyone tried to ruin a perfectly good Japanese story so unforgivably. Though, I suppose, at least Dragonball will have that potential to become a good drinking game. It has that going for it. Erin brought this to my attention a while ago, when it was still in rumors-ville, but recently, when a trailer actually came out, I decided that it needed a little more attention. We’ll be showing you the trailer a little further down. But first, we have to show you the cast. Try not to throw up in your mouths.

Goku: Justin Chatwin

Okay, so Goku had dark hair back in the day, so Justin’s got that part right. After that, he’s got absolutely nothing. Nothing. He’s a skinny little knee-biter, and if you’ve seen the original Japanese version of DragonBall, his voice isn’t a girl’s voice. Someone should kick him between the legs. Steve Buschemi would have made a better Goku than this guy. Who did the photoshopping on his hair, btw? A monkey?

Piccolo: James Masters

First off, Piccolo is not white; he is green. Secondly, what’s wrong with the dude on the right? Does he not make it outside very often? Is he part fish? Is he trying to learn Japanese from anime? All I know is I’d never let my child hang out with Uncle Piccolo if he looked like that. My pick? Probably that green dinosaur that was on Barney.

Bulma: Emmy Rossum

Ugh, now I’m getting frustrated. I didn’t realize Laura Croft was making an appearance.

Master Roshi: Chow Yun-Fat

Okay, so finally there’s a decent cast member. Not the best actor in the world, but at least I’ve heard his name before…but wait, where’s the beard? I wish Mr. Miyagi was still alive.

Yamcha: Joon Park

This almost feels accurate, actually. Too bad they didn’t manage to get anywhere near this with the actual main characters of the film.

Mai: Eriko Tamura

Alright! Someone who’s actually Japanese. Wait a sec. Who is this? “She is a chief enforcer of Piccolo’s and a shape shifter.” Whhaatt?

So you have the cast, now, so why don’t we find out what the plot is:

Goku (Justin Chatwin) goes on a journey to find Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat) and gather the seven mystical Dragon Balls before the evil Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) can. Along his way, he meets Bulma (Emmy Rossum) who then joins him to help him in his mission. When arriving at Roshi’s place, he is not welcomed with embrace but he has to fight Roshi. Roshi soon learns that Goku is the grandson of Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) and thus trains him to prepare him for the ultimate battle with Lord Piccolo to prevent him from collecting the powerful orbs.

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for: The trailer. I think April is when they restart the Large Hadron Collider back up. Hopefully it brings an end to the world first, before this movie can do something much much worse to us.

So there you have it. The end of the world as we know it. You thought Super Mario Brothers the movie was bad. You thought Mortal Combat was bad. You thought Street Fighter was bad. Oh no. This is going to be much, much worse. I’d rather get kicked in the DragonBalls than sit through this thing.

Tell me what you think? Think it’ll be good? Who should be playing these characters instead of the ones chosen above? Steve Buschemi FTW?

So I was looking through my old yearbook…well, maybe not.

So I was looking through this buddy of mine’s yearbook…er…no, I guess I wasn’t.

So, I was using this website that lets you upload pictures and it will superimpose them onto super retro yearbook photos for your laughter and enjoyment. I know I enjoyed it. I did it to myself and posted it up on my personal blog, BoxedTofu. I then did an article over on my “about America blog,” コウイチ弁. That’s two out of three, right there. So I thought, “hey, maybe I can work this whole yearbook thing into Tofugu as a roundabout way of telling people about a few fun Japanese celebrities. So, that’s what I’m doing, afro and all.

Yasuo Fukuda

This, my friends, is the current prime minister of Japan. From the looks of it, the seventies and eighties were good to him. He became prime minister when Shinzo Abe abruptly resigned from office (he claims it was horrible due to diarrhea).

Shinzo Abe

This is the guy who had terrible diarrhea and had to quit being the prime minister of Japan. The guy above him is the guy who took over. Must have been after 1998 when he gained all that weight…

Junichiro Koizumi

Koizumi was probably one of the coolest prime ministers of Japan, mostly because of his hair. I think he did a pretty good job, and was able to do a lot of economic reform. I think a lot of people were sad to see him go, and be replaced by really bad prime ministers.

Segata Sanshiro

Yes, the man who fills your dreams with Sega Saturn nightmares, even to this day. If you don’t know who he is, you are missing out, big time. He’s like, Chuck Norris’ daddy. Basically, he was responsible for Sega Saturn’s popularity in Japan (he never appeared in America, no wonder nobody was scared into buying it it wasn’t popular!). And damn, he makes for terrifying yearbook photos.

Beat (Kitano) Takeshi

Does everyone know actor / comedian / director Beat Takeshi? He was in cult films such as Battle Royale, and the new Zatoichi (which is a great movie, by the way). He’s kind of a scary looking dude, not to mention his nickname is “beat,” like, “I’m going to beat you down.”

Shokotan’s Nakagawa Shoko

This girl is one of the top ten most popular bloggers in Japan. She blogs about all sorts of weird things, though it seems as though half of her entries are just pictures with cats (apparently, she loves them). Then, there are other entries, where she puts cicada shells all over her hair. Ironically, PinkTentacle just blogged about this, so now you can see for yourself.

Matsudaira Ken

I have so many memories of this guy. I grew up watching Abarenbo Shogun. This show lasted from 1978 until 2002 (with a special in 2003), and is about this Shogun (played by Matsudaira Ken) who goes around and helps the people. At the end of almost every episode is a fight scene, that is the same choreography over and over episode after episode. Still, it’s an awesome show (that’s why it lasted so long!). Other people might know of Ken for Matsudaira Samba…Seriously, this ought to be the Rick Roll of Japan. I hear retired folks like it though.

You can’t beat that.

Becky

Becky is a half Japanese half British talent who appears on a lot of Japanese television shows. She’s pretty funny, and was often in a show that I liked back in the day, Warau Inu. They’re the folks that did the Yatta song, which I’m sure a lot of you know of.

Nabeatsu

If you haven’t heard of Nabeatsu yet, you’ll do yourself a favor and check him out. You’ll either love him or hate him, he’s that kind of comedian. All he does is count. When he hits a number with a three in it, or a number divisible by three, he “becomes stupid.” Sometimes, some other numbers get special characteristics as well. I love it. Simple humor is great. I’ll even provide a video or two below, that’s how cool this guy is. The mustache goes well with all these pictures, too!

Ultraman

Who didn’t think Ultraman was the shiznit as a child? Anyone that’s younger than me, probably. But there was once a day where Ultraman was more popular than those dirty racist power rangers, and those days were good. This one is my favorites. His face is just so…perfect!

So there you have it - either you learned about some new celebrities, or you enjoyed looking at parodies of them. Hopefully one of the two. In the meantime, go practice counting like Nabeatsu and lose all your friends!

I know this post was kind of weird and random, but there’s a few language posts coming soon, so, you know, gotta balance, right?

The other day I came across a copy of the video I made (with a few other folks) for my Japanese final at the end of high school. I’m probably wrong, but I feel like video finals in Japanese high school classes are very common. It’s something that links us all together somehow.

Our video was originally going to be a two minute Japanese Mentos commercial…which then turned into a candy commercial…which then turned into a twenty minute ridiculous film that barely references candy or Mentos at all. I’ve abridged the video down so you can see just the interesting parts (including my commentary). You can see the abridged version (as well as the full, twenty minute version), after the break. Keep in mind, this was my first video ever, so it’s ever crappier than more recent work.

At the part where we shoot the gun, our teacher let out a yelp of terror. This video was so violent that Tomoko Sensei (our teacher) told the class we got a C, even though we got the highest score possible. Still, what else can you expect from a bunch of high school guys? If anything, knowing us, I’m surprised there weren’t more fight scenes.

Here’s the full version, if you want to sit through the whole thing. Keep in mind that the entire thing is dubbed horribly, and should only be watched when you’re really really bored. One fun thing I like to do is go through this video and count how many times Viet’s limbs appear in the shots when they aren’t supposed to. How many can you count?

Click here to view the embedded video.

I don’t know if the people in the video want their identities to be told, so I’ll only include first names. Still, I’ve got to credit everyone. Here’s the rundown.

Directing / Editing: Koichi & Sean
Jack, the main character: Sean
Buddha: Koichi
Melvin, Great Warrior of the East: Viet (yep, Tofugu’s Viet)
Vincent, the roommate: Greg
Qwest Employee: Tom

So, how many of you have made Japanese video finals? I bet a lot of you have, at some point. I also bet half of them contained seppuku scenes. If you have one, please share! Link us somewhere down below, I love watching these kinds of things, haha.

This Post was brought to you by:

Today (in some time zones) is one of our Tofugu authors’ birthdays. Can you guess who? She’s the only female, she’s one of the top three writers, and she’s somewhere in that photo up there. The other two Tofugu writers would like to wish Erin a happy and safe twenty-first birthday! Thank you for writing so many interesting articles, we look forward to more in the future!

So, just a little bit of Japan related trivia: In the United States, you can drink alcohol when you are twenty-one, just like Erin is. In Japan, though, technically you are supposed to be twenty years old before you drink OR smoke. Though, you can really be a bit younger and get alcohol in Japan. As long as you’re between 18-20 most places won’t card you, and even if they do, there is always beer and saké vending machines.

So here’s to Erin! (kanpai!)

P.S. We have no idea when Viet’s birthday is, so Viet, if it was recently, happy birthday to you too <_<;

Last night, Steve Carell participated in one of the funniest SNL Digital Shorts I have seen in a long time. Now, it’s kind of a stretch, as far as Tofugu’s “Japanese Culture and Language” theme goes, but I feel that it’s interesting enough to warrant a post. Here’s the video, after the break:

Also available here.

If you could understand everything the actors were saying, congratulations. Which is not to say that they’re speaking in tremendously advanced Japanese; it’s just that their accents are so thick (Steve Carell’s especially) that at times I had to strain towards my speakers in an attempt to make out the actual words. Anyway, I hope you found this little video amusing. My favorite part was definitely the bit where they do rajio taiso (ラジオ体操 or “radio exercises”), which many Japanese companies actually do encourage their workers to preform.

Surprisingly, this morning I learned that it was Buddha’s birthday. The cool Frood is turning 2,571 years old today, so make sure you sing him a song (video comments, anyone??) and dip him in some ama-cha to clean him off (he only gets one bath a year). In celebration of today, I thought I’d do a special post about Buddha.

According to The Sutra of the Marks Buddha has 32 “main traits” and 80 “secondary traits.” I discovered this list (which I’ll go into more detail on below) about a year ago, and I was very pleased at how many traits I shared with the enlightened one. This was one of my main strategies for attracting women: “Did you know that I share [blank] number of physical traits with Buddha?”

Anyways, here are the lists. The ones that are highlighted red are ones that I share with Buddha, along with a final percentage at the end. Tell me how close you are, as well, I’m interested in my “becoming Buddha” competition so I can pick up the pace and get plastic surgery accordingly.

32 Main Traits of Buddha

1. He has feet with a level sole
2. He has the mark of a thousand-spoked wheel on the soles of his feet (maybe if it was a broken wheel)
3. He has projecting heels
4. He has long fingers and toes (Long and beautiful. I should be a hand model, really)
5. His hands and feet are soft-skinned (Once again, hand model)
6. He has netlike lines on palms and soles
7. He has high raised ankles
8. He has taut calf muscles like an antelope (I don’t think I could have picked a better descriptor animal)
9. He can touch his knees with the palms of his hands without bending (Try it yourself, a lot creepier than it sounds)
10. His sexual organs are concealed in a sheath (Just kidding)
11. His skin is the color of gold (Too pasty white)
12. His skin is so fine that no dust can attach to it (If being OCD against touching dust counts…)
13. His body hairs are separate with one hair per pore (Couldn’t find any double pore hairs)
14. His body hair is blue-black, the color of collyrium, and curls clockwise in rings.
15. He has an upright stance like that of a brahma
16. He has the seven convexities of the flesh. Note: “the seven convex surfaces,/ on both hands, both feet, both shoulders, and his trunk.” (Hmm, I do lack a trunk)
17. He has an immense torso, like that of a lion
18. The furrow between his shoulders is filled in
19. The distance from hand-to-hand and head-to-toe is equal (Yep, I measured this in Middle School).
20. He has a round and smooth neck (Very big, round, and smooth)
21. He has sensitive taste-buds
22. His jaw is like a lion’s
23. He has 40 teeth. Note: The average person normally has 32 teeth (Dang, the dentist took my shark teeth out when I was a toddler)
24. His teeth are evenly spaced (Pretty darn close)
25. His teeth are without gaps in-between
26. His teeth are quite white
27. He has a large, long tongue
28. He has a voice like a Brahma’s
29. He has very blue eyes
30. He has eyelashes like an ox (most girls are jealous of them, and my Chinese zodiac is an Ox, must be meant to be)
31. He has a white soft wisp of hair in the center of the brow (I’m sure I’ll have one eventually, my dad’s side has a lot of premature graying)
32. His head is like a royal turban. Note that this denotes his cranial protrusion, visible on Buddhist iconography (I don’t think I want this one. “Cranial protrusion” sounds a lot like “brain tumor” to me)

SCORE: 11/32 = 34%

80 Sub-Traits of Buddha:

1. He has beautiful fingers and toes (hand model)
2. He has well-proportioned fingers and toes (hand model)
   
3. He has tube-shaped fingers and toes.
4. His fingernails and toenails have a rosy tint.
5. His fingernails and toenails are slightly upturned at the tip.
6. His fingernails and toenails are smooth and rounded without ridges.
7. His ankles and wrists are rounded and undented.
8. His feet are of equal length.
9. He has a beautiful gait, like that of a king-elephant (maybe I’m just biased, but I think so. My grandma always used to describe my gait like that of a king-elephant)
10. He has a stately gait, like that of a king-lion (grandma again)
11. He has a beautiful gait, like that of a swan (maybe not this one)
12. He has a majestic gait, like that of a royal ox (or this one)
13. His right foot leads when walking
14. His knees have no protruding kneecaps.
15. He has the demeanor of a great man (not sure if I can get away with this one)
16. His navel is without blemish (my navel is beautiful)
17. He has a deep-shaped abdomen.
18. He has clockwise marks on the abdomen.
19. His thighs are rounded like banana sheafs.
20. His two arms are shaped like an elephant’s trunk.
21. The lines on the palms of his hands have a rosy tint.
22. His skin is thick or thin as it should be. (lot of room on this one, huh)
23. His skin is unwrinkled (for now)
    
24. His body is spotless and without lumps.
25. His body is unblemished above and below.
26. His body is absolutely free of impurities.
27. He has the strength of 100,000 crores or 1000 elephants (what the hell are crores?)
28. He has a protruding nose.
29. His nose is well proportioned.
30. His upper and lower lips are equal in size and have a rosy tint.
31. His teeth are unblemished and with no plaque.
32. His teeth are long like polished conches.
33. His teeth are smooth and without ridges.
34. His five sense-organs are unblemished.
35. His four canine teeth are crystal and rounded (crystal teeth? Wow)
36. His face is long and beautiful.
37. His cheeks are radiant (radiant and chubby)
38. The lines on his palms are deep.
39. The lines on his palms are long.
40. The lines on his palms are straight.
41. The lines on his palms have a rosy tint.
42. His body emanates a halo of light extending around him for two meters (that would be the radioactive glow)
43. His cheek cavities are fully rounded and smooth
44. The five nerves of his eyes are unblemished.
45. The tips of his bodily hair are neither curved nor bent.
46. He has a rounded tongue.
47. His tongue is soft and has a rosy-tint.
48. His ears are long like lotus petals.
49. His earholes are beautifully rounded.
50. His sinews and tendons don’t stick out.
51. His sinews and tendons are deeply embedded in the flesh.
52. His topknot is like a crown.
53. His forehead is well-proportioned in length and breadth.
54. His forehead is rounded and beautiful.
55. His eyebrows are arched like a bow.
56. The hair of his eyebrows is fine.
57. The hair of his eyebrows lies flat.
58. He has large brows.
59. His brows reach the outward corner of his eyes.
60. His skin is fine throughout his body.
61. His whole body has abundant signs of good fortune.
62. His body is always radiant.
63. His body is always refreshed like a lotus flower.
64. His body is exquisitely sensitive to touch.
65. His body has the scent of sandalwood.
66. His body hair is consistent in length.
67. He has fine bodily hair.
68. His breath is always fine.
69. His mouth always has a beautiful smile.
70. His mouth has the scent of a lotus flower.
71. His hair has the colour of a dark shadow.
72. His hair is strongly scented.
73. His hair has the scent of a white lotus.
74. He has curled hair.
75. His hair does not turn grey.
76. He has fine hair.
77. His hair is untangled.
78. His hair has long curls.
79. He has a topknot as if crowned with a flower garland.

Wait a second, I thought there was 80…anyways. Here is my score:

SCORE: 26/79: 33%

So, from the looks of things, I’m 1/3 of the way to becoming a Buddha. How far along are you?

And Buddha, Happy Birthday, you cool frood!

inally! The time has come to vote on Nara’s New New Mascot. I got a lot of submissions for this contest, so unfortunately I had to narrow it down to my favorite top ten to make voting easier on everyone. Also, I haven’t read any of the submissions for the “continue this story” contest, but I’ll be getting to that within the week. I hope the City of Nara sees this article and realizes the error of their ways.

The mascots will be listed after the break. Afterwards, there will be a poll that will allow you to vote on your favorite! Please vote for your favorite New New Nara Mascot by using the number/name I gave each mascot (which can be seen on each image). The winner of this contest gets a brand spanking new Japanese textbook of my choosing, so make sure you vote now! Somebody’s education is on the line!

Voting will end in one week! (That’s April 17 at Midnight my time)

Vote For Your Favorite!

***(click here to see it move)***

Vote Now!

Mascot Submissions that didn’t make it:

We love you, but we could only pick ten :(

I was planning on uploading this video over on Koichiben, but that was before I took a look at the new statistics tracker that Youtube recently put up. It’s a really neat feature that shows all sorts of things, one of them being a geographical tracker; basically, I can see who watches my videos and where they are.

It turns out that all of my Koichiben videos are watched primarily by people in Japan…except for my four Gojira videos, which are all primarily watched by Americans, the Brits, and Australians (don’t worry Norway, you’re in there somewhere too!). Based on those statistics, I decided I should go ahead and pull the series over here. Just makes more sense, I think.

This video is kind of a mix of all the other ones, with a few new things added in. Godzilla’s New Life 5: American Buildings Too Tall was actually made for a Video Art class here at school (Art classes + thesis is what second semester senior year is all about), so it’s a much different style from my previous ones. This one goes a little into the back-story of Godzilla coming to America, some of the things he goes through, and then the story of what happens after he gets back from his Hawaiian vacation (Godzilla #4). Poor Godzilla. Times are a little tough for the lizard. So, without further adieu, check out the video! I hope you laugh, even though it’s a bit darker than previous ones. I really enjoyed making it, anyways.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Poor Godzilla! I wonder what will happen next? How will he get out of his impoverished situation? I suppose you’ll just have to find out when I get around to making the next one.

Also, Previously on: “Gojira’s New Life”

Godzilla Hates Cats:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Godzilla Plays Oblivion:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Godzilla’s Office Mate:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Godzilla Goes to Hawaii:

Click here to view the embedded video.

**If you haven’t already, please fill out my questionnaire about the use of technology when learning Japanese. It’s for my thesis, and I’ll release the information after I’m done with it so you can hopefully learn something new about learning Japanese as well :)

Hey you! If you liked this article, then maybe you’d be so kind as to add it to StumbleUpon, Delicious, Reddit, Yahoo Buzz, or Digg! You rule.