When I watch Major League Baseball, my rooting interests are, in order:

1. Braves.
2. Whoever is playing the Nationals.
3. Any player I used to watch in the Japanese league, Nippon Professional Baseball, especially if they were a Yakult Swallow.

Like a helicopter mom with no day job, I try to watch these former NPB players whenever they come to the mound or the plate. My Google Calendar last year was just a list of projected Yu Darvish starts. Thankfully for me and whoever cashes the check for my MLB.TV subscription, there are even more Japanese players in America this season, and here’s what they’ll be up to in 2014.

The Big Names

Hiroki Kuroda – The “other” Japanese starting pitcher on the Yankees is now 39 years old and still doing this baseball stuff. Because he’s expected to mentor the new arrival Masahiro Tanaka in the ways of Major League Baseball, he’s been dubbed Kuroda-senpai by The New York Times. Next time I visit Yankee Stadium, I hope he notices me.

Masahiro Tanaka – The 175 million dollar man, and yet Yankees GM Brian Cashman says he’ll be the #3 starter this year. I wrote another big article about this fella, but there’s been an update since then! Tanaka said he’s “not necessarily a fan” of his wife Mai Satoda’s music! Be right back, I have to write a 2,000-word piece for the New York Post on how this factoid could affect his game.

Koji Uehara – With a World Series ring under his belt (that’s where rings go, right?), Koji is now the Red Sox’ starting closer. I wrote about him a while back, but now he’s trying to start throwing a Mariano Rivera-style cutter.

Junichi Tazawa – Tazawa has been completely overshadowed by Uehara in the Red Sox bullpen, but he’s still there and he’s still pretty good. Interesting note: Tazawa is only the third Japanese player ever to go straight to the MLB without spending time playing professional Japanese ball. He signed after impressing with the Nippon Oil company team.

Yu Darvish – Yu Darvish came 2nd in Cy Young voting last year, but now he’ll have to defend his title as best current Japanese player against Tanaka. If that doesn’t work out for him, he can, at least, still be the best half-Iranian player.

Hisashi Iwakuma – True to the city’s character, Seattle has the coolest, most underground, “you’ve probably never even heard of him” Japanese player. In-between rainstorms and bike trips to Ballard coffee shops, Mariners fans love to tell you that Iwakuma really deserved the Cy Young last year. Unfortunately for them, Iwakuma might miss the first week or two of the season because somehow he hurt his middle finger. What a hipster.

Norichika Aoki – In one of the offseason’s hardest-to-explain trades, the Brewers traded right fielder and former Yakult Swallow Norichika Aoki to the Royals in return for some guy named Will Smith. Will Smith is expected to join the Brewers bullpen, and Aoki will be starring in Men In Black 4 next summer.

The Old Guys

Ichiro Suzuki – The Yankees went a little crazy this offseason and got Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran, demoting future Hall of Famer Ichiro and sorta former Hiroshima Carp Alfonso Soriano (he only played nine games in Japan) to the bench. Rumors are starting to heat up that Ichiro may get traded to the Phillies. You’re too good for them, Ichi!

Tomokazu Ohka – Ohka has previously pitched for the Red Sox, Expos, Nationals, Brewers, Blue Jays, Indians, and the Yokohama BayStars, but he’s trying to make a comeback with the Blue Jays and a brand-new knuckeball. He’ll start the year in the minors. Years ago, Ohka was mentioned in The Simpsons, the joke being how obscure he was, so he has had that dubious pleasure.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Dice-K was once a mega-famous import pitcher like Tanaka is today, but besides one great season, his career in the MLB never really satisfied expectations. He’s now aiming for a comeback with the New York Mets, and is considered a favorite to be their #5 starter when the season begins.

The Hopefuls

Munenori Kawasaki – Kawasaki, the man with the beautiful dance moves and the GIBBY award-winning “I am Japaneeeese” speech, is trying to play his way onto the Blue Jays roster. Unfortunately for him, he plays on the same team as Jose Reyes, so he’ll need some luck to get much playing time at shortstop.

Yoshinori Tateyama – A former high school teammate of Koji Uehara and NPB teammate of Yu Darvish, Tateyama is a sidearm pitcher trying to break his way into the Yankees bullpen.

Kensuke Tanaka – Kensuke Tanaka spent his whole career playing second base, so it was bittersweet when the San Francisco Giants gave him a one-day chance in the MLB last year… playing left field. He’s trying out with the Rangers this year, but looking likely to start the year in the minor leagues.

Kyuji Fujikawa – Kyuji will probably be in the Cubs bullpen this year, but he had Tommy John Surgery in May last year and won’t return until around June. Yes, his name really is 球児, meaning “ball child” or, to make it less weird-sounding, “baseball kid.” Kyuji’s father reportedly threw a no-hitter in an amateur game the day before his son was born, thus the name.

2014 Predictions

Now I don’t really have a clue how well these guys will play or what will happen this year, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because that’s how sportswriting works. Here are ten predictions for the season to come, sorted from most likely to least:

1. I will buy an Aoki Royals shirt and wear it in my Tofugu author profile picture, replacing my Aoki Brewers shirt.
2. Masahiro Tanaka will have the worst ERA among Yankees starters before the All-Star Break and the best ERA among Yankees starters after the All-Star Break.
3. Dice-K will have a bad year but still shutout the Braves twice just to annoy me.
4. The Yankees will inform Ichiro they have no more room for him on the roster, but offer him a position as batboy. He will proudly accept the role and become the greatest batboy of all time.
5. Hiroyasu Tanaka, Shuta Tanaka, and, uh, comedian Naoki Tanaka will all join the MLB, causing widespread confusion and chaos.
6. Yu Darvish will add a 15th pitch to his repertoire, a 75 MPH knuckleball.
7. Kawasaki will win another GIBBY award, this time for dancing.
8. Uehara and Tazawa will start a manzai comedy duo called Sokkusu, which American sportswriters will have to explain as being “sort of like Abbott and Costello.”
9. The Yankees will become unsatisfied with their current outfield of old guys who used to be amazing, so they’ll sign Sadaharu Oh.
10. I will conquer my nature and refrain from buying another $75 Japanese baseball video game.