Let’s face it: there are a lot of terrifying children’s toys out there. Walking down the isles of “Toys ‘R’ Us” I can’t help but gawk in awe at some of the items on the shelf, wondering “Who the fudge would buy this for their kid?”
As expected, there are not many places in the world that take more of a jaw-dropping turn than Japan when it comes to disturbing toys. That being said, here are my top ten most disturbing Japanese toys that I would seriously hesitate giving to any child.
10. Poop and Pee Plushies
Japan has a strange relationship with poop. I can’t tell you how many potty-training and poop related children’s toys I’ve come across, but it’s more than I could have ever imagined. Sure, poop jokes are always funny, but somehow the idea of teaching your child to snuggle with their own excrement via plushies just doesn’t sound healthy to me. Please, prove me wrong.
9. H-Bouya USB Toy
The H-Bouya is a plug in USB toy in the form of a small boy. I’m not sure what twisted tween-age mind came up with this one, but the H-Bouya’s main trick is giggling and blushing every time you press the letter “h” on your keyboard. In Japanese “h” stands for “etchi,” meaning sex, erotic, or pervert (oh my god, she said “h” hehehehe). The H-bouya also reacts to other love related words like suki (like/love), deeto (date), and much more.
I guess it’s kinda funny, but I’m not sure if the H-bouya is supposed to be amusing for kids or adults. It seems like it would get old faster than the new Ferby which lasted only about 30 seconds after I turned it on.
8. Virus Plush
In the past few years, plushies in the shape of diseases have become pretty common in the States, but that’s not the only place. This Japanese plush for babies is modeled after a virus for maximum fun time! Above left is the Japanese virus plush. Below, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). And above right, a small child that appears to be contracting AIDS.
Am I the only one that sees the resemblance? No? Well, this is sure to be a happy ending. I can’t see how anything could go wrong here.
7. Face Bank
My parents have always taught me the importance of saving money, but honestly, I’ve never really been any good at it. But you know, It’s really a shame that a bank like this one didn’t exist when I was a kid because I’m sure I would have saved money in fear that Satan would devour my soul if I didn’t offer it my lunch money as tribute.
As shown, the Face Bank comes in solid colors and is rather plain – that is, expect for the soulless, haunting eyes and subhuman face protruding from the front of it. The Face Bank will stare you down with its lifeless, chimpanzee face until you appease it with your pocket change. It will then proceed to devour said change with its robotic jaws and then let out a satisfied belch.
There is something truly terrifying about a robotic creature mimicking human-like functions in such a lifeless manner. Seriously, this thing is pure nightmare fuel.
6.Road Kill Cat
“Mommy? What happened to Mittens?” Don’t even bother conjuring up some BS story about Mittens running away or going off to play with the neighbors. Just throw your kid this thing and they’ll eventually get the idea. Or, at least it will give them something to do with all those extra Hot Wheels cars laying around the house. I’m sure they’ll be just as happy as the kid on the package- all smiles! :D
5. Rubber Lips
Do you remember those old “candy” lips that looked really tasty but actually tasted like freshly waxed baboon butt (and were about the same color)? That’s what these Japanese toy rubber lips reminded me of when I first saw them, only somehow much more disturbing (not at all in a suggestive way). Japanese rubber lips are mobile, so you can preform a range of activities while wearing them including talking, eating hoagies, or even scaring the Milk of Magnesia out of your aged neighbors! Honestly, I’m not sure what the purpose of these things is, but I really don’t want to know.
4. Russian Roulette Toy Gun
“Hey guys! I’ve got a great idea!” Let’s play with guns!” That’s basically what this Japanese Russian Roulette game says to me. The game includes a toy gun similar to a Nerf gun that “fires” randomly. Young children put the toy gun to their heads and pull the trigger to test their luck. Somehow making the gun shoot out hippopotamus legs instead of bullets is supposed to make this so much more acceptable.
Sounds like a roaring good time to me. In expert mode kids use a real gun!
3. Japanese Pregnant Doll
All this time I’ve been deluded into thinking Japan has been coming out with a steadily more shocking line of toys every year, but I was wrong. This 19th century doll showing the stages of pregnancy is on my list of the top 3 most disturbing toys ever. It’s only saving grace is the fact that this doll was originally made as a medical model. However, evidence suggests that it was later used for entertaining children.
This, however, raises more disturbing questions. Call me culturally ignorant, but who decided a pregnancy doll was a great thing to use as a child’s play thing? My money is on a doctor giving whatever he had on hand that wasn’t pointy to his children in order to make them shut up, and it happened to be this.
2. You Can Shave the Baby!
This toy has become a sort of myth on the internet and among Japanese toy enthusiasts. However, after doing some research, I found that this toy was originally designed by the Polish artist Zbigniew Libera. Even though this discovery was slightly disappointing, I still think “You Can Shave the Baby” qualifies as one of the disturbing toys ever in Japan.
As you can see, this baby doll comes with hair on all sorts of exciting regions of the body. And you know what the best part is? You can shave it! Unfortunately, it doesn’t grown back, but nothing beats the joy one gets from a good, clean shave. Am I right?
In all seriousness though, I wouldn’t touch this thing with a ten foot pole. Just look at its death glare (it must be unhappy from all that hair). And from the looks of things on the internet, I would say people tend to agree on this subject.
Warning: This video is PG-13
I sincerely hope I’m not the only one here who thinks there is something exceedingly unnerving about having your child shave an infant’s pelvic hair. This is psychopath-making material, right here.
1. Baby in the Microwave Toy
It both encourages me and horrifies me to know that, no matter how desensitized I think I am to ludicrous Japanese inventions, there is always something new to prove me wrong. The baby in the microwave toy is, sadly, exactly what it sounds like: the model of a small child who has been blown up in a microwave. I’m not sure if things could get any more deranged even if I tried.
Honestly, I would have loved to be there to see the sales pitch for this one. The man who pitched this must have been a genius (or a great comedian) to convince someone to market this “gem” of a toy.
This is just a small sampling of the number of disturbing toys in the world. Unfortunately, there are many, many more both inside and outside of Japan. What is the creepiest toy you’ve ever seen or heard of? Let us know! Share your story with us in the comments section below!