Japanese Cohabitation Befuddles Ornery Adults

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I started watching the American TV show New Girl this week and while I really enjoy the characters, zany antics, and comical situations (you should probably check it out if you haven’t, it’s a good show) it also made me think about how co-ed roommates are viewed in today’s society. In the show New Girl, four people live together in one apartment. Three males, one female – and none of them are romantically involved with one another. This isn’t really a big deal in America and most Western countries, but how would such a scenario be viewed in Japan?

Platonic Male-Female Roomies

co-ed-roomiesAround the time you get to college, it’s not that unusual for men and women to live together platonically under the same roof. I know a lot of people who’ve had an arrangement like this, and one of my friend’s sisters even lived with us at our house in college for one summer. While it’s definitely not the norm, most of the time nobody really thinks much of it unless there’s some funny business going on, they’re really old fashioned, or are a jealous boyfriend/girlfriend with trust issues.

And then there’s Japan. They don’t feel the same way about this as we Americans do. Aside from most Japanese apartments being relatively small (i.e. not much personal space) many Japanese parents are very protective of their children, especially the women, and would not be happy at all with their daughter living with a man before marriage, regardless if they were involved romantically.

just-friends“We’re just friends, I swear.”

Even if you are living with a purely platonic opposite sex roommate, good luck convincing everyone else that you aren’t actually involved somehow. Some Japanese people hard-set in their male-female relation views jump to conclusions way too fast and can’t believe that men and women can be just friends. While browsing some forums on this topic (link, link), I came across the following guy talking about his own experience in Japan.

I was showing my portfolio to a prospective client earlier today and I was commenting on a maintenance video that I made. There is a picture on the cover depicting me discussing the machine with a young woman, to which the client piped up, “Is that your wife?” I answered that it wasn’t, to which he responded, “Are you having an affair?!”

The guy claims it’s apparently much worse in the countryside, but this is just one person’s experience. Plus the post was from about 7 years ago. Regardless, this seems to be a very different view on things than it is in the West, but I’d imagine this view is mostly held by the older generation.

Living Together Before Marriage

cohabitationAnd then on the other side of the spectrum, we have males and females living together non-platonically. Lovers, boy/girlfriends, or fiancés. In America at least, I feel like it’s becoming more of a “prerequisite” for couples to live together before they get married just to make sure they can stand being around one another all the time and would survive living together if and when they get married. Sometimes it’s even encouraged for couples to “test the waters” this way. In Japan, this is not the case.

Living together before you’re married in Japan seems to be pretty rare. Many people live with their parents, alone, or with same sex roommates. If Japanese couples are living together, it wouldn’t be too strange for them to keep it secret from their family and judgmental acquaintances. Many older Japanese people and those who are old fashioned would say that if you want to live together, you should just get married because it’s the right and proper thing to do. Living together before marriage can be viewed as indecent.

proposal

If you do live with your significant other, there’s a good chance you will incur at least one of the following: general scorn, an endless stream of “When’s the wedding?”, or other related wedding questions. Regardless if people view your living arrangement as improper, they’ll most likely assume it’s a stepping stone towards marriage and in their eyes and they’d prefer to see it happen sooner than later.

I asked some of my friends living in Japan what their personal experiences were with this and what they have noticed first hand. Here’s what they had to say.

I think there are so many young people in Japan who still live at home with their parents, and they only move out when they get married. None of my friends or Japanese people I know are living with someone of the opposite sex unless they’re married. I know one guy living with his girlfriend, but he’s American and she’s Japanese so I don’t know if that counts.

I have a Canadian friend whose Japanese girlfriend basically lives at his house but still retains her own residence.

Most of my Japanese friends said that it wasn’t strange for couples who are planning on getting married to live together, but some of the older generation may look down on it. They also said that it is still kinda strange for just friends of the opposite sex to live together, especially in the countryside. However, home shares are becoming more popular, and there is more attention being brought to opposite sex roommates through dramas and movies, etc. but it’s still pretty irregular and overall people think it’s strange.

But as they say, times are changing, and in cities at least, living together before marriage might be moving towards being not so strange as it once was especially with the younger generation being desensitized to it all through dramas and movies and such. It also really depends on the location, the families, and whether or not a foreigner is involved.

While living together before marriage is not quite as rare as it used to be in Japan, it’s still much less common than it is in the West. It used to be uncommon in the West too, but since then, it’s become much more acceptable. Will the same happen for Japan? Only time will tell.

So what are your thoughts on males and females living together, platonic or otherwise? Do you think that Japan will eventually become more accepting of this practice like the West is? Have any firsthand experience with cohabitation in Japan? Let us know in the comments!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/steven.joseph.horton Steven Horton

    To presume that personal experience cannot be used to get a grip on reality shows that you have no grip on reality.

  • DAVIDPD

    I am not saying people do not cohabitate, it is just that less people do it than our culture would have you believe. So many people just think what they experience is reality. But that is not the case. Furthermore, to the point of the article, I would reckon that the stigma is generally still there when these younger couples talk about living together to older people. Look, I am not saying it is wrong, I wholeheartedly believe it is a good idea to try and live together for a bit before taking the plunge, but the larger problem I am having is people believing personal experience can be generalized to reality. Sorry, but it can not.

  • Mai

    I live with a male roommate (as a girl) and I do sometimes get strange reactions from other girls, but my bf and his gf were totally fine with it. I know plenty of mixed dorms though with >4 people. Also, here in Holland I don’t think I know ANYONE <35 who didn't live together before marriage! Some may still have their own room/apartment somewhere but they are still technically living together. Lots of them even have kids before marriage. But overall most people eventually get married though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Leisslie-Agis/100002593747500 Leisslie Agis

    Ha ha yea I figured that was the case :)

  • legendofleo

    Recently, on a short holiday to Japan, I met a friend in Nagoya who has just gotten engaged to a girl he has never lived with before. They are moving in together now and getting married in 3 months time.

    It seems kind of crazy to me that anyone could decide to get married without having lived together for at least a year. He said that this kinda thing is actually quite normal in Japan.

  • http://twitter.com/shollum Shollum

    The reason I think it’s normal enough to be generalized is because I don’t know too many people and yet so many of them are cohabiting for one reason or another. It may just depend on the individual state or city you live in also, since I know very well how different areas, even in the same state, can have vast differences in culture (especially in cultural norms).

    And like I said, it’s almost always among the younger people. I do know an older gay couple that live together, but that doesn’t really count.

    I’m not saying that you think it’s wrong, just pointing out that it’s actually quite common in some areas (which means, if enough individual locations are like this, it can be presumed that it’s normal for the country).

    Also, if I were to consider other observations of mine that apparently can’t be generalized (with enough evidence of course), they would include a higher rate of teen pregnancy among students and higher rates of divorce. I’d also generalize a lower rate in violent crime, but a higher rate of reporting on violent crime with the exception to just about everything positive (which is why I don’t read the paper. As a coworker said the other day, “Let’s see who shot who today”).

    Just because something is the experience of an individual doesn’t mean that, with enough supporting evidence, whether concrete numbers or abstract generalizations, it can’t be generalized.

    It’s not good science, but it’s a good way to do preliminary observations.

  • DAVIDPD

    My field of study and practice is Psychology, so psychometric testing, data evaluation, and rational thinking have been hammered into my being. Thus, my approach to most things in life is cold, unflinching, and quite frankly, depressing. Year three at University, we looked at exactly what I have been talking about here, so it’s not like I am just talking out of my foot. The general perception of cohabitation looks common, and it has increased over the last forty years, but in reality is remains relatively low. Furthermore, public perception on cohabitation before marriage is generally, negative, but not in an overly dramatic way. More like an “eyebrow raise” than a “Burn in Hell” type (this was phrased differently in the journals I read, and was propositioned on a Five Point Likert scale). In conclusion, it doesn’t really matter either way, personally, I do not care if some one chooses to live with a partner or not, just be happy. End.

  • Nina

    Hello! I’m living and studying in central Europe and it’s absolutely normal to have different sex flat mates and live with one’s SO before marriage. Out of the last five years I’ve lived on my own, was only one I lived in a flat with only females. Only unusual thing is to live in one room with people of different sex who are only friends. But this is still not really looked down upon and is considered not proper only by christians and really traditional families. In my opinion it’s very natural to live platonically with men, since they are usually better at fixing stuff and are stronger and women are often used to clean and cook, so we can teach each other and have well kept household.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lava.princeton Lava Yuki

    Maybe, i study in Dublin too, but my college is full of international students who have a lot of money, so they all stay in regular apartments with friends who r the same gender. I havnt stayed in shared houses with ppl i dnt know, but i did stay in a college dorm in my first year. But boys and girls had separate rooms.

  • Aya

    You can save the super hi-res version of the illustration for this post here: http://www.tofugu.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/coed-2560×1600.jpg :)

  • Flora

    I refuse to marry someone until we’ve been dating for a minimum of 3 years, living together for a minimum of 2. Why go through the trouble of tying the knot only to divorce later because it turns out you make crappy roommates?

    So they’re just going to have to get used to it with me.

  • Flora

    I remember reading an article that share houses are getting a bad reputation as places of ill repute. Obviously, it’s inevitable that someone in some share house somewhere is going to end up shagging a roommate, but the piece I read painted it as a widespread issue. Of course, I’ve never been in one so I can’t say for certain which is which.

  • Flora

    I remember recently hearing someone say that a friend of hers immediately assumed she was dating a guy friend simply because they were walking down the street together. :/ And she lived in Tokyo.

  • nonononono

    Sweet! Thanks a lot :)

  • Juliet

    I’d like to add that “wherefore” means “why,” not “where.” The scene’s more like, Romeo! Why did you have to be Romeo – a Montague?

    I also agree, and language is a good comparison. Cultures change and syncretism is perfectly normal and inevitable. No one’s culture is “pure.” I’m also shocked to hear someone say America doesn’t have a “real culture.” LOL.

  • Jo

    I’m half-Japanese, and grew up in the UK where I’ve been together with my English boyfriend for nearly 10 years. We’ve been living in rural Japan for nearly a year now. We probably look like a rather odd couple anyway, but I’ve given up correcting people and explaining we’re not married. Nearly everyone asks why, and no one seems particularly impressed with the reply of “we don’t really see the need to”. It’s either that or complete strangers asking when we’re going to have kids!

    In the UK, it’s pretty common for couples to live together without being married, and groups of people cohabiting platonically. The cost of rent and housing is so high, especially in larger cities, it’s the only way most people of my generation (late 20s/early 30s) can afford to live away from their parents.

    Although in Japan it’s common for children to live with their parents up to adulthood, and even several generations all living together in one household, this is far less common in the UK, and so co-habiting is seen as a normal thing.

  • http://twitter.com/bomblol Rick Sheahan

    ahh the social sciences. aka non sciences

  • http://twitter.com/genkakuzai Kristoffer

    Yeah honestly it’s not rare at all living together with someone you’re “romantically involved with”, and not married to. I have a ton of friends living together in Japan who aren’t married.

  • DAVIDPD

    Not only is this remark offensive to me, it is also ignorant and shows a total lack of couth. How about instead of acting like a donkey, you show some maturity and be quiet.

  • Tokyo_Ben

    What on earth are you talking about? “Personal experience” is subjective, and “Reality” is objective. One person’s subjective view is not enough to draw conclusions about objective reality.

  • labellagorda

    Well, no, in the last picture they’re actually Taiwanese…That’s my cutie Godfrey Gao on the left! <3

  • John

    Oops! So it is, haha. I forgot what language was above the picture after I cropped it, lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/steven.joseph.horton Steven Horton

    Nothing is objective. Absolutely nothing. All you have are personal experiences, and even those are tainted by your actions. Subjective views with a massive sample size are the closest we can get to objectivity.

    And I have a pretty massive sample size of people I know, who are married, who lived together before getting married. And even with a massive sample size, people can still get things wrong, like with religion. Each religion precludes each other, yet there is a significant sample size in each group that should be enough to objectively prove or disprove.

    The best we can do with our subjective observations are what we do best.

    Though, Ben, I completely understand why you’re saying what you’re saying, and probably, if phrased properly, I might even agree.

  • Tokyo_Ben

    Sorry, but no. Reality is objective. The idea that “nothing is objective” is from post-modernism, and it’s philosophically bankrupt. We might not be capable of knowing objective truth, but our knowledge or ignorance has no effect on the objective reality.

    If you were blind, deaf, and anosmic (no sense of smell), and a tiger was about to maul you to death, your lack of subjective experience of the tiger would not prevent your painful death caused by a very real tiger. That’s objective reality. It’s there whether we experience it or not, and that’s just something we have to deal with.

  • Kuru

    So I live in a house in Japan with three (Japanese) female roommates. I am a guy. No one sees this as strange. I also have another Japanese friend, a female, who lives in a house with one other female and two male roommates. Maybe in the country side it is still seen as strange. In big cities (I live in Osaka) I dont think so.

  • Kuru

    I live in a share house. I can guarantee you exactly zero shagging going on between males and females here. Almost everyone has a boyfriend or girlfriend that lives elsewhere.

  • jgh

    Presumably, Japan didn’t have a post-war housing crises due to being bombed to smithereens? Almost all the people I know of my grandparents or great-grandparents generations lived together before getting married purely due to there being nowhere else! Often living at the in-laws while waiting for somewhere of their own to become available.

  • jgh

    “wherefor” means “why” not “where”. Otherwise, she’d have said “where”.

  • belgand

    Before “marriage”? Huh? What on Earth is that?

    My girlfriend and I have been living together for a decade, dating for 13 years and have absolutely no intention of ever marrying. We’ve been asked occasionally, but it’s pretty uncommon for anyone to say anything. Even our parents and grandparents only asked once or twice many years ago and even then it was only of the “are you ever planning on getting married?” sort rather than something more judgmental.

  • shiro

    Obviously? Inevitable? Is this comment for real?

  • shiro

    Many, many couples hold hands in Japan. I’ve even seen old granny and grampa couples doing it. It’s the cutest ever.

  • harold

    my girlfriend’s japanese, and despite having grown up outside of japan (in countries where mixed gender living arrangements are fine) since she was 11 she still strongly feels that guys and girls living together is weird (an attitude which she attributes to her being japanese). when i suggested to her that my housemates next year might be a mixture of both guys and girls, she started implying that what i was saying made her think worse of me. maybe some young japanese people are coming round, but her and her friends (who all grew up in big cities) all seem to stick fairly close to conservative values.

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