Coming Clean: My Relationship With AKB48 Member Minami Minegishi

about-koichiOpen LetterMiichan, it’s been a whole month now, and I just can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. I know that this Tofugu-AKB48 rivalry is like that of the Montagues and the Capulets, or the Hatfields and the McCoys, or the Zerg and the Protoss… but I never expected things to turn out the way they did between us. I don’t regret our time together for a moment, though I wish it could have had a little less like the AKB48 song “Love Wars” and a little more “Aitakatta,” but maybe that’s just me.

When you left my apartment you were caught by some photographers. I don’t want to say “I told you so” (but really, I did, didn’t?), so let’s not worry too much about that. Fact is, someone took your picture while you were leaving my place in the morning, and then they published it in one of those trashy weekly magazines. First of all, wearing that mask and that hat were a dead giveaway. That jacket too. It just screams “Minami Minegishi.” How could someone that’s into the lore and fandom of AKB48 not know it was you. So, I told you so. Okay, whew, got that off my chest. I feel much better now, don’t you?

minami-akb48-mask
In all my letters I always tell you to wear a full-headed horse mask, but do you listen?

minami-newspaper
This is what happens, Miichan. This is what happens.

All that being said, though, for most girls your age this wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But this is a huge The problem is, being a part of AKB48 means you aren’t allowed to date anybody. Something to do with the perceived innocence of everyone towards AKB48, or something similar? I can’t remember your exact words, but Akimoto AKB48 “The Big Boss” Sensei came up with these rules for a reason. You went ahead and broke the fourth rule of AKB48 (first three of course are “never talk about Fight Club”), and here I am, awkwardly, the one who caused you to break said cardinal 4th rule.

I know my lightly chiseled abs and extremely well-balanced face were too much for you to resist, but I still can’t place all the blame on myself. Would you take a 60-40 split? Surely some of your training as an AKB48 girl has given you some sort of resistance to men with collar bones like that of an ox, right? I mean, you didn’t have to blame yourself so much that you had to shave your head and publicly apologize in a YouTube video, don’t you think? I understand the whole “head shaving is a form of contrition” thing in Japan, but really, I’m not worth all of this. You could have at least asked me to come over and shave it for you. Get rid of some of those uneven spots. I could have helped you hit record on your video recorder, too. Maybe we could have hung out and continued that epic game of Risk: Star Wars edition? Wait, no, no, that’s why you’re in trouble.

minami-shaved-head

What am I thinking? You’re mad at me. I mean, genuinely pissed off. I suppose I can’t have my cake and AKB48 it too, as the saying goes. When I text you it bounces back (Did Daddy Aki change your cell phone mail address?). When I call I get disconnected. Even when I go to that super secret McDonald’s location, you know, the one where you gorge yourself on twelve Idaho burgers every Friday night from midnight until two AM, you aren’t there. It’s just me and that lady who brings those cats inside. Is everything alright? Besides you being really mad at me?

No, no of course it’s not. How could I forget? You got demoted to an AKB48 trainee team. You’re just a replacement now for one of the “main members,” though in everyone’s hearts, especially my own medically concerning abnormally large heart, you are the mainest AKB48 member of them all. How far you have fallen, Miichan. For that, I am truly sorry.

One thing does confuse me though. Why pin this whole debacle on some other guy? I know you want to protect me from the AKB48 inner Yakuza circle, but I’m a big boy now. Is “Alan Shirahama” a real person, even? If anyone’s followed your AKB48 lore like I have, they’d immediately know something was fishy. You only like guys with big faces (I know what happened between you and Bob Sapp after he hit you with that Bob Sapp Sexy Beam), so this is all one big hilarious farce to anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock the last seven years. Really, why try to hide us, though? I’ve always been around, and I’ve always been with you, even when you don’t realize it. I’m a supportive boyfriend like that.

akb4ever
One of our favorite moments

I get it, you need your space and you want to protect me… no, us. I’ll give you your space, you obviously have something planned that I just can’t see yet. You were always the thinking type, always using your words and arguments to tell me to stop “stalking” you or whatever. But you weren’t always just a smart one, you were good at running too, especially when I “followed you home,” and you were like “ha ha, Ko-chan, you know what would happen if they saw us together! Stop following me or I’ll call the police, or whatever.” So, no more emails, text messages, letters, drawings, Photoshops, locks of hair (you thought your hair got donated to cancer survivors?! HA! I saved it from their greedy heads! They can never understand how important your hair is to me!), dolls, body pillows, dolls with your actual hair, etc. NONE of that anymore, at least for the next couple weeks while you recuperate. I realize you need your space, and I respect that.

I do forgive you, though, Miichan. Even though you tried to hide everything that happened between us from the press to save me and my career… I still forgive you. And, just in case it might jolt your memory of us being together, my friend put us together into the same picture so you can remember.

Minami Minegishi AKB48

TF48 ♥ AKB48 5Ever

This is news, this actually happened, to some degree

  • Covert

    I agree, and I am a 69-year-old American who witnessed Elvis’s first TV performance.