by

about-koichiOpen LetterMiichan, it’s been a whole month now, and I just can’t keep my mouth shut any longer. I know that this Tofugu-AKB48 rivalry is like that of the Montagues and the Capulets, or the Hatfields and the McCoys, or the Zerg and the Protoss… but I never expected things to turn out the way they did between us. I don’t regret our time together for a moment, though I wish it could have had a little less like the AKB48 song “Love Wars” and a little more “Aitakatta,” but maybe that’s just me.

When you left my apartment you were caught by some photographers. I don’t want to say “I told you so” (but really, I did, didn’t?), so let’s not worry too much about that. Fact is, someone took your picture while you were leaving my place in the morning, and then they published it in one of those trashy weekly magazines. First of all, wearing that mask and that hat were a dead giveaway. That jacket too. It just screams “Minami Minegishi.” How could someone that’s into the lore and fandom of AKB48 not know it was you. So, I told you so. Okay, whew, got that off my chest. I feel much better now, don’t you?

minami-akb48-mask
In all my letters I always tell you to wear a full-headed horse mask, but do you listen?

minami-newspaper
This is what happens, Miichan. This is what happens.

All that being said, though, for most girls your age this wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But this is a huge The problem is, being a part of AKB48 means you aren’t allowed to date anybody. Something to do with the perceived innocence of everyone towards AKB48, or something similar? I can’t remember your exact words, but Akimoto AKB48 “The Big Boss” Sensei came up with these rules for a reason. You went ahead and broke the fourth rule of AKB48 (first three of course are “never talk about Fight Club”), and here I am, awkwardly, the one who caused you to break said cardinal 4th rule.

I know my lightly chiseled abs and extremely well-balanced face were too much for you to resist, but I still can’t place all the blame on myself. Would you take a 60-40 split? Surely some of your training as an AKB48 girl has given you some sort of resistance to men with collar bones like that of an ox, right? I mean, you didn’t have to blame yourself so much that you had to shave your head and publicly apologize in a YouTube video, don’t you think? I understand the whole “head shaving is a form of contrition” thing in Japan, but really, I’m not worth all of this. You could have at least asked me to come over and shave it for you. Get rid of some of those uneven spots. I could have helped you hit record on your video recorder, too. Maybe we could have hung out and continued that epic game of Risk: Star Wars edition? Wait, no, no, that’s why you’re in trouble.

minami-shaved-head

What am I thinking? You’re mad at me. I mean, genuinely pissed off. I suppose I can’t have my cake and AKB48 it too, as the saying goes. When I text you it bounces back (Did Daddy Aki change your cell phone mail address?). When I call I get disconnected. Even when I go to that super secret McDonald’s location, you know, the one where you gorge yourself on twelve Idaho burgers every Friday night from midnight until two AM, you aren’t there. It’s just me and that lady who brings those cats inside. Is everything alright? Besides you being really mad at me?

No, no of course it’s not. How could I forget? You got demoted to an AKB48 trainee team. You’re just a replacement now for one of the “main members,” though in everyone’s hearts, especially my own medically concerning abnormally large heart, you are the mainest AKB48 member of them all. How far you have fallen, Miichan. For that, I am truly sorry.

One thing does confuse me though. Why pin this whole debacle on some other guy? I know you want to protect me from the AKB48 inner Yakuza circle, but I’m a big boy now. Is “Alan Shirahama” a real person, even? If anyone’s followed your AKB48 lore like I have, they’d immediately know something was fishy. You only like guys with big faces (I know what happened between you and Bob Sapp after he hit you with that Bob Sapp Sexy Beam), so this is all one big hilarious farce to anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock the last seven years. Really, why try to hide us, though? I’ve always been around, and I’ve always been with you, even when you don’t realize it. I’m a supportive boyfriend like that.

akb4ever
One of our favorite moments

I get it, you need your space and you want to protect me… no, us. I’ll give you your space, you obviously have something planned that I just can’t see yet. You were always the thinking type, always using your words and arguments to tell me to stop “stalking” you or whatever. But you weren’t always just a smart one, you were good at running too, especially when I “followed you home,” and you were like “ha ha, Ko-chan, you know what would happen if they saw us together! Stop following me or I’ll call the police, or whatever.” So, no more emails, text messages, letters, drawings, Photoshops, locks of hair (you thought your hair got donated to cancer survivors?! HA! I saved it from their greedy heads! They can never understand how important your hair is to me!), dolls, body pillows, dolls with your actual hair, etc. NONE of that anymore, at least for the next couple weeks while you recuperate. I realize you need your space, and I respect that.

I do forgive you, though, Miichan. Even though you tried to hide everything that happened between us from the press to save me and my career… I still forgive you. And, just in case it might jolt your memory of us being together, my friend put us together into the same picture so you can remember.

Minami Minegishi AKB48

TF48 ♥ AKB48 5Ever

This is news, this actually happened, to some degree

  • http://www.facebook.com/Scottlavigne Scott Lavigne

    Mmmmm Idaho Burger

  • 古戸ヱリカ

    Beautiful. My tears are as real as your relationship. MiichanxKo-chan OTP

  • ninda pamungkas

    nothing to say but,

    OH MY GOOODDD

    koichi, you have been hiding this huge secret all this time.

    shouldn’t you stop your rivalry between Tofugu and AKB48? it’s all for your both forsaken
    *teary eyes*

  • http://www.facebook.com/lasma.ulge Lasma Ulge

    What is AKB48?

  • culley711

    Nice comedy article. Wish it was a Tofugu video honestly, confession style :) . Side point, you need some edits for sentence structure.

  • guyhey

    Ha, fool, you’ll never be right for 峯岸, she has openly said that when she marries she doesn’t want her husband to use her nickname, and yet you use it repeatedly!

    Also, you’d know she likes hats, so shaving her head is no thing.

  • Cory

    Amazing post koichi, comedy gold.

  • Mark Chan

    I don’t find this post amusing. In fact it’s offensive. Please note that some of your readers are legitimate AKB fans, and that we care deeply for the members. Mii chan is my 3 oshi, and I’ve met her at handshake event. She’s a nice person, yet you insult her like it’s nothing. That’s just not cool. And yes I have a sense of humor, but this is not tasteful.

  • http://www.tofugu.com/ Hashi

    SHIP IT

  • aedeur

    What can I say? I just learnt 「失恋」 on WaniKani…

  • ジョサイア

    What a kawaii morning :D

  • HorrorChan

    5-ev-er, 5-ev-er, 5-ev-er.

    Edit: Whoops, gifs have no power here. :0

  • simplyshiny

    Koichi, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this in silence. Remember, we loyal tofugu followers will ALWAYS be here for you.

    On a side note, I LOVE their boots in that second to last picture

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    shit’s so messed up on many levels … oh i don’t mean the funny article, i mean the actual even. i don’t really care for almost-ak47, but this is just wrong, how can you treat a person like that?

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    My grief has destroyed my ability to write sentences

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    So 失恋 :(

  • guyhey

    I think the thing to remember is the producer of AKB has said publicly on many occasions that the rule was more of a joke, and it wasn’t even meant to be taken seriously. It’s the media that makes the big deal out of it. The fans were pretty cool about the whole thing. As outsiders we just want it to be a “hey Japan is crazy!” big deal.

    It’s just the media being the media.

  • http://www.vietamins.com Viet

    Our biggest rival.

  • http://www.tofugu.com/ Hashi

    The greatest musical group of all time.

  • CorrBlimey

    I see your plan to tear them down one member at a time is working….One down, only fourty-seven more to go!

  • http://twitter.com/Kamijou_Toumad Tony

    Wow, I can’t stop laughing, this really is comedy gold. OTP FOR LIFE

  • guyhey

    I think you mean Japan’s most sophisticated show.

  • http://twitter.com/ajseguin Alexandre J. Seguin

    good, this will be useful in my theory that Koichi-san is the biggest AKB48 wota ever…

  • http://www.vietamins.com Viet

    It’s like people playing basketball in my mouth!

  • http://twitter.com/Cupucuups Hamyo

    Honestly, i don’t know why AKB and Tofugu become a rival. could somebody tell me the reason? pliiiiiiiiiis

  • http://twitter.com/Cupucuups Hamyo

    Anybody here could explain why Tofugu and AKB48 become a great rival all the time??
    okonomikatsu.blogspot.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/Scottlavigne Scott Lavigne

    I remember when I had my first bite, it was like, “Am I really at mcdonalds? This is too good to be mcdonalds, even for Japan!”

  • 古戸ヱリカ

    They do it to cover up their love. TFG48 is soooooo tsundere for AKB48.

  • Shie17

    I’m having a laugh trip so early in the morning! You made my day!

  • missingno15

    More like…..60+ to go?

  • missingno15

    I tried to warn you but now that your secrets out Koichi, you know what will happen next…

  • Lessa

    So sad. i feel your pain. Σ( ̄。 ̄ノ)ノ

  • Zarmazarma

    Possible future child/resultant of Dragon-Ball-Z style fusion:

    http://i.imgur.com/tYRteFP.png

    Komiichi.

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    sooo… she shaved her head and apologized publicly for the lulz?

  • guyhey

    There’s just more to it than what you’re assuming is what I’m saying.

    It’s surprisingly close to the stuff that happens with US celebrities and the media.

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    I think 90ish, if my, uh, “research,” is correct

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    I personally think it’s all a planned thing for more publicity all around… but idunno

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    mmmm balls in my mouth

  • http://www.tofugu.com/ Hashi

    Sounds like eating at 24th and Meatballs http://www.24thandmeatballs.com/

  • missingno15

    Better get to work then!

  • guyhey

    hehe, lets be honest. Nobody knows the exact number of members.

  • http://twitter.com/Cupucuups Hamyo

    lol :D then koichi would get some trouble not only from Akip but also from another Tofugu team after this confession. you’re gonna have a bad time Koichi-san XD

  • http://twitter.com/Cupucuups Hamyo

    So the conclusion is, Koichi-san is the most greatest secret Wota for AKB48 all the time. XD congratulation Koichi-san lol :D

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    it still wouldn’t make it okay in my book. although consenting adults do whatever they want. well except i’m not sure if she’s an adult (whatever that means in japan)

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    i’m sorry to let you know, but actually you don’t have a sense of humour

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    mind you, i never said western celeb stories are less weird. but i couldn’t stop expressing my distaste, especially since nobody else did

  • http://twitter.com/rapchee rapchee

    they are both set out to destroy young japanophile male’s minds. so far akb is in the lead, but i’m sure these guys have something up their sleeves :)

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    D:

  • http://www.tofugu.com koichi

    OMG WHY DO I HELP YOU PEOPLE???

  • bobbysony

    she has got to be feeling this post.

  • Covert

    I agree, and I am a 69-year-old American who witnessed Elvis’s first TV performance.