Are We The Nation Of Sushi Abomination?

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Sushi. That delicious Japanese food that everyone seems to love. Call this post a rant if you want, but everyone is doing it wrong. I believe in sushi purity, where no other sushi is allowed to exist in my extremely racist one-sushi world. But seriously though, Americans ruin all ethnic foods. Taco Bell? Happy Teriyaki? Olive Garden!!? The list goes on and on. Sushi, too, is being ruined. We are the nation of Sushi Abominations. This will not stand. Allow yourself to be educated (in case you’re the type of person who thinks Taco Bell is traditional Mexican food).

What Is Sushi?

First we have to find out what sushi is before I can tell you what sushi isn’t. Sushi is made with rice with vinegar in it, and can be put together in a variety of ways. There are a lot, but the main ones are…

  • Makizushi: aka “rolled sushi.” This is what you usually see in America because it tends to have less raw fish in it (shame on you!).
  • Nigirizushi: aka “hand-formed sushi” is made with a round-rectangle-ish shape of rice with a topping draped over it. This topping is usually raw fish.
  • Chirashizushi: aka “scattered sushi” is a bowl of rice with raw fish and other garnishes on top. It’s like a sushi rice-bowl, if that helps you to envision it.

There are others, but that’ll get you the main picture. Originally, sushi came from something known as narezushi, which is basically a form of pickled fish (convenient because it could last up to six months, yum!). This developed into oshizushi, which is a kind of pressed sushi where rice and fish were squished together in a rectangular mold.

From there, sushi became smaller and much more fuel efficient (just like most Japanese products) and turned into nigirizushi, which is basically what we see today. Definitely went through an evolution of sorts to get to where it is today…

But that’s where the problems start. This is like the movie Gattaca. Sushi was fine before it came to America. It was walking along on natural evolutionary progression. Then America was like… oh hey! Let’s change it! Let’s genetically alter the sushi and create a “perfect” sushi. Perfect? PShhdKLJFSLFdkd. You’re DESTROYING SOCIETY SLOWLY WHILE YOU THINK YOU’RE IMPROVING IT. OPEN YOUR 20-20 VISION EYES.

So what are these genetically altered sushi? These unnatural sushi? Let me tell you.

Sushi Abominations

There are some small abominations, but I won’t list them here. You can list them in the comments, if you want. Here I’m going to reveal to you the heavy hitters. These terrible sushi abominations are ruining the world we live in. This needs to be stopped.

California Roll

Let’s begin with the sushi roll that started it all. The California Roll. This sushi roll has compromise written all over it, and when it comes to sushi, there should be no compromise. THIS IS SPARTA.

The California roll was introduced in the 1960s in, you guessed it, California (Los Angeles to be more specific). LA is a popular place for Japanese to move to. LA is as American as it gets. At the Tokyo Kaikan Restaurant (one of the first sushi bars in LA), Ichiro Mashita came up with the idea.

GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #1: Instead of raw fatty tuna (toro), he put in avocado, because Americans didn’t like the idea of eating raw things (boo hoo).

GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #2: He made the roll “inside-out” with the seaweed (nori) wrap on the inside, because Americans didn’t want to know they were eating seaweed (boo-dee-hoo-hoo).

Of course, this half-step-child of sushi became popular all across the United States because it was made less real. It’s no wonder you see Olive Gardens everywhere.

Frushi (Fruit + Sushi)

This is NOT okay

I think the fruishi (that’s fruit + sushi )boom has come and gone (I hope, hope, hope), but that doesn’t mean we should have let it happen. Kind of like sitting back and watching the Nazis do their thing until it was too late, this should have been stopped a long time ago.

There are many ways to make fruit sushi, though the worst ones are the ones that try to be like really sushi (while still calling themselves “new and exciting”). These recipes use regular rice and roll up fruit inside of it instead of fish or vegetables. I think you can imagine why this didn’t catch on for very long.

The other kind, which goes for sweet rice-substitutes (unforgivable!) are a tiny bit better, but this is still the sort of thing I wouldn’t allow anyone to bring to my home. I don’t care if it’s a potluck, and it’s raining outside, you’re not bringing that in my home, boy.

Sushi Burritos aka Sushirritos

Japanese food… so delicate… so refined… so, OMG WTF IS THIS?

This is the picture that made me think of the topic for this post. I mean seriously… what do you say to this? While I’m sure this sushirrito is delicious (it pains me to say so), I think it’s a generally good rule of thumb not to eat anything I can’t fit in my mouth. Look out, Chipotlé… you have a rival.

If you live in or around San Francisco, you can actually get one of these. Let me know how it was if you do!

Sushi Pizza

[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etFZqmVotpU']

And last but definitely not least is sushi pizza. Sushi pizza (also known as “Toronto Sushi Pizza”) is supposedly very popular in Toronto, Montreal, and various Northeastern US states. While most of the sushi-blame-game so far has been targeted at the United States, Canada is close enough. I’m sure they can ruin hundreds of years of tradition just like Americans can (though, I gotta say, gravy on fries? Well done Canada, well done).

Sushi pizza consists of a fried rice patty as the base with layers of sliced ingredients (popular ones seem to be avocado, different kinds of fish, and mayonnaise). The claimed inventor of this dish can be found in Montreal, Quebec at the Atami Sushi Restaurant.

What Will They Think Of Next?

You tell me. Sushi burgers? Sushi tacos? McDonald’s Sushi Burgers?  Oh gosh. I’m not sure if I can survive in a future where these things exist. Seriously, the sushi mutations are moving faster than anyone can hope to contain. I’m going to head off and start digging the hole for my bunker now before sushi gains sentience.

P.S. Maybe we can hide from the sushi abominations together on Twitter?
P.P.S. Twitter was just to distract them. We’re really hiding on Facebook and Google+

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  • http://hanlonsrzr.blogspot.com Ἀντισθένης

    “I only like the vegetarian sushi.”  Told this at a Toronto party, no word of a lie.  I turned my back on her and walked away.  Rude, but kept me from a manslaughter charge.

  • L. Hall

    Okay, agreed on all points.  Nigirizushi with tuna is hands down my favorite, but I don’t exactly agree with the California Roll.  Granted, it is a compromise, but speaking as an American (and a deep south rural American as well), it is a great gateway introduction to the more traditional sushi that is so awesome.  And it gives someone who is not willing to try raw fish (they know not what they miss) something to eat while their friend is trying to introduce them to a new experience.  Were it not for the California Roll, I wouldn’t be eating great traditional sushi at a little place where, happily, the sushi chef calls my daughter “Tuna Girl”.  
    Everything else you mentioned.. I’ve never seen it, and really don’t want to.  Ewww…

  • Kiriain

    I’m not really a big fan of American made sushi. Mainly because I don’t like fish. But in my opinion, the sushi here seems to be really slimy and gross. Ugh…

  • moshimoshi

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL this is by far the funniest post you have ever written, you made my day!

  • Christophevu

    As a sushi chef here in the USA, i have to agree with this article. When ever a costumer asks me which sushi roll is the best i always find myself in a pinch. “what do you mean which sushi roll is the best? are you asking me which sushi roll has the most spicy mayo and eel sauce?” is what always goes through my mind. A reason why sushi is becoming very disturbing in the USA is because of chinese owned sushi restaurant. they have no problem destroying what sushi is just to make it more appealing to the people who are too ignorant to try new things. when working at a chinese owned sushi place the sauce seems to matter more than the fish, which is really sad. So yes people!!!! stop screwing sushi over and ask to be served real sushi and taste the flavors of the different fishes and shell fish available rather than masking their real taste with spicy mayo and eel sauce.

  • http://twitter.com/MaybeKawaii メイビー・かわいい

    you  forgot candy sushi D:

  • http://twitter.com/NaokunSays Nao

    Thanks! I will definitely have to check those out when I get the chance.

  • http://www.tofugu.com/ Hashi

    Yuzu and Wafu have fantastic ramen (Yuzu’s broth is great, Wafu’s noodles are amazing). Murata is really fancy and very traditional. There’s a great Japanese place way out in Hillsboro called Syun.

  • Casper

    While I agree wholeheartedly with the disdain for what sushi has become outside of Japan we can’t ignore the fact that the Japanese are quite adept at making their own abominations of bastardized food from other countries.

    In the end it’s a normal process; every country tries to adapt foreign food and infuse flavors and presentations that won’t alienate its national sensibilities. Even though you almost always end with a mockery of what the true cuisine was I think calling the US the “nation of sushi abomination” though catchy and probably kinda right is overreacting to the situation. I wonder how many “abomination of x foreign food” could we pin on Japan.

  • Jade79

    The abomination begins – we have Sushi Burger here! http://www.sushiburger.com.au/

  • susanne

    As a vegetarian I’m glad we have now this delicious vegan sushi place

    http://biosumo.ch/

    The pictures you find here
    http://www.vegan.ch/blog/2011/10/19/biosumo-vegan-sushi/

    They pickle their own ginger as well as they use a wasabi powder without the usual additives, like colors (often allergenic), I usually hardly can decipher on the wrappings!

    How about “sushi-purity” in this aspect?
     
    No fish and no additives is the perfect deal for me!  :-)

  • Maddy

    Food purists…
    Please… if you live in Japan the notion of pure is irrelevant unless taking about the purety of the japanese.
    Have you seen the food “mutilations” here?
    Evolution… Everyone is entitled to there version of things.
    American English? Japanese Pizza… the list goes on.

  • Anonymous
  • http://twitter.com/Apples_Lattoso Marianna Ferrara

    With ONE word i can give you goosebumps.

    PHILADELPHIA.  Not enough?!? Dried Tomatoes in Oil. Yeah…. That’s “Amore” Sushi. 

  • Rachel Tilley

    Hey! Don’t knock Philly! They made the first cheesesteak!

  • nagz

    let’s get credit to the ‘california roll’ guy, at least he did not put Sushi in its name, he just merely copied an idea. less blatant than the other ones.
    (i am lacto-vegetarian + i have always hated seafood to the bone but boy oh boy, real sushi looks Soooo tempting.. probably one day i will devour one, although i would die of my seafood-repellent physic)

  • Dolphinwing

    What is with people wanting mayo with their sushi? I was eating at a Japanese restaurant yesterday and this guy sitting behind me kept asking for mayo..

  • http://twitter.com/NaokunSays Nao

    Thanks for the recommendations; they all sound great! Looks like Yuzu is near Uwajimaya, too.

  • Hyak

    Not a big fan on california rolls, but I do like variants. Like the local Cultus roll. 5 differend species of salmon wrapped in seaweed wrapped in rice wrapped rainbow trout.Absolutely genious!

  • Gravy-with-fries

    Honestly, after reading this, I’m ashamed to say that my first experience with sushi was a California Roll, however I’ve tried other more authentic sushi since then, and I’m glad I did.

    However, I have one correction to apply to this post: it is not /just/ gravy on fries. Oh no. It’s gravy on fries with /cheese curds/. Here in Canada we call it… POUTINE. It is absolutely the best thing you will ever taste (aside from authentic sushi). Just sayin’

  • Guest

    While we’re playing the ridiculous food purist game, I do hope by “fries and gravy” you don’t mean poutine.

  • yeou83

    http://thecowfish.com/ <– this place is here in Charlotte, NC

  • Anonymous

    Of course, the Japanese have their own kinds of inauthentic sushi, but they tend to be cheap items at the conveyor belt sushi.  Things like corn sushi and tuna salad with mayonnaise sushi. 

  • http://twitter.com/etoile Meredith

    One of my favorite local restaurants is pan-Asian, and they do indeed do crazy stuff with sushi (I prefer the soba bowls myself).  The place is called Sticky Rice and it’s in Washington DC.  I had a group of visitors from Japan, who were excited to see the sushi menu…they recoiled in horror at the idea of cheese, etc. in sushi.  I was amused by their horror, but you are spot on with this article – it’s NOT normal.

  • http://twitter.com/shollum Shollum

    Everybody ruins food that isn’t theirs!

    I don’t even want to think about what the Japanese (or anyone else for that matter… even the rest of America) would do to barbeque ! Yes I’m looking at you Texas! Barbeque is supposed to be a pig that has been cooking since the night before! Throwing slabs of beef over a fire is called steak!

  • http://illmakeitmyself.wordpress.com/ Leah

    When people tell me they don’t like sushi, I ask them if they mean real sushi, Americanized sushi, or Kroger/supermarket sushi. Nobody likes Kroger sushi.

  • http://twitter.com/RachaelSachse Rachael Sachse

    Australia may have all these beat with Deep Fried Bacon Cheeseburger Sushi.
    Click here if you want the arteries in your eyes to harden: http://www.ikusushi.com/

  • xmazeedayzex

    Personally, I really do like California rolls…being allergic to fish, it’s nice having an option besides tamago, ebi, and inarizushi ^_^ I would love to try the sushi burrito…looks so good :3 Other than that, these other abominations sound rather eh…x.x;

  • http://www.callistospatches.com Callisto

    Sweet mother of fatty tuna, a sushirrito?! I weep for you, sushi!

    But gotta admit, avocado in mah sushi… love it. But I’d eat avocado on anything. Especially on avocado.

  • http://www.japaneseruleof7.com/ Ken Seeroi

    It’s food.  Put in mouth.

    The one true piece of advice I ever received was at a sushi lunch in Ginza with a Japanese co-worker.  After several years in Japan, I’d become conditioned to believe there was a “proper” way to do things, and that there was “real” sushi and, I dunno, unreal sushi?  You know, people of all nationalities love to tell you what to do and not do, and I’d gotten used to asking things like, Should I dip this fish into soy sauce or ponzu?  Should I eat this with wasabi or shoga?  Everybody was always happy to tell me exactly what to do.

    When I asked my coworker one of those kinds of questions, for the first time ever in Japan, I got an honest answer.  Instead of pointing out that he was Japanese and I wasn’t, or giving me a lecture about Japanese tradition and etiquette, he looked at me and said, “Hey, it’s a free country–do whatever you want.”  Like I was eating a hot dog, or a piece of pizza.

    Because I was.  Hey, it’s just food.

    We love to glamorize Japan, Oriental-ize it.  Like it’s a mystic land with special customs and rules to follow.  But sushi isn’t religion.  It doesn’t come with ten commandments.  However you want to serve it up, knock yourself out.

  • http://twitter.com/WackoMcGoose Kimura Okagawa

    California roll’s tolerable if you’re on the go and can’t afford the aftermath of a more messy type like inari (though onigiri is probably the most car-friendly)… but seriously, for the love of ネザーラック, sushi *pizza*? DSFARGEG

    Whenever I actually have time to sit down for it, 卵寿司 ftw.

  • Califoniyayay

    Americans don’t ruin everything. Ever had a Korean taco before? SO BOMB. Ever had popcorn lobster at a sushi place? OMG SO GOOD, WAY BETTER THAN POPCORN CHICKEN AND SHRIMP. Ever had spam musubi? DUDE IT’S HEAVEN. And maybe I’m biased because I’m from California, but California rolls are sooooo gooooodddd. Avocado, rice, and tuna? Winning combination. Somehow doesn’t stop me from Nigirizushi (aka TOO DELICIOUS FOR THIS WORLD). My advice- even though you didn’t ask for it- is to be glad you live a country so diverse that you get to try some crazy new combinations the world has ever seen before. Some are gonna suck and some are gonna rock your shit. Deal with it.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/3VBW5NLSA2Q4KZX3T73DKOGPBU Sydney

    I haven’t ever heard of most of these that you listed… except the Cali Roll. That one I’ve heard of, and, guilty as charged, maaaybe have eaten a few times. I prefer Nigirizushi though. I love raw fish, I’d eat piles of it if I could afford it. That burrito thing you posted looks absolutely DISGUSTING. So does the pizza… and I’m pretty down to try new things, but that crosses the line. 

    Back home where I’m from middle of nowhere Nebraska (thank god I live on the coast now..) good seafood was really hard to come by. Especially good sushi, because “fresh seafood” was pretty much two terms that never went together in the same sentence. I went out for sushi once with my husband and another couple who were big sushi enthusiasts, and as I was reading the menu I came across a term I shudder to even write it… “Nebraska Roll”. What in the holy hell is this?!? Nebraska Roll?!? REALLY?! My husband ordered a half roll just to see what it was like… I don’t even know what was in it… something bright red, inside out, and had a NEON green sauce drizzled over it. I refused to even try it. He said it was really spicy. >.> Leave it to Americans to eff up something awesome, and make it an abomination. ¬.¬ 

  • belgand

    Personally I’m a purist. Pretty much the closest to the fusiony abomination rolls I get is a spicy tuna roll and I generally prefer nigiri. That said, I also live in San Francisco and as soon as I saw that burrito I knew it must have come from here and that I desperately wanted to eat it. Is it sushi? NO! A burrito? Not even close. But it does look delicious. I will see to it that I try it ASAP and report back.

  • amandaharper

    If you want to quibble about American sushi, leave the California roll alone and go for the real abomination–the Philadelphia roll.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Christen-Abma/100001243353841 Christen Abma

    “GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #1″
    I was rolling in my seat throughout this whole thing and I think I choked on air once the giant sushirittos rolled around. (Get it? Roll? Because they’re cylinders?)

    …I think I’ll leave the comedy to you.

  • J Michael Carter, Jr

         Bah, I roll my eyes at your accusations.  Sure, when two food cultures meet, there is going to be a real train-wreck of results, so don’t think that I think that the sushi burrito is a good thing.  However, the snobby tone of much of the article and many of the comments bring to mind that bureau in France that polices the language in order to avoid “corrupting” it with other languages.  What is that word that means not changing? 
         Oh yeah, stagnation. 
    I was surprised once when Wife put a roll of sushi on the table that had ground beef in it.  She said that sushi, the way Japanese people eat it in the home, is for whatever you happen to have on hand.  Now, in Japan, that’s mostly going to be stuff one would put in sushi anyways. Here, well, one time I put a hot dog and relish in rice and wrapped it in nori.  It was wretched.  You can partake of sushi or any reverently held delicacy, or art, or music, or theater and demand that it stay in a standard, heavily structured and regulated form, or you can let it grow, change, and live.
    Adapt or die.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sylvanya Cara Krigbaum-Dickey

    http://gizmodo.com/5549906/sushiin-a-tube
    I saw this on a cooking show the other day & thought it was strange.

  • mtskeptic

    Well in Japan I had a mini hamburger served on a nigirizushi rice ball so it can go both ways.

  • nikeletta

    Actually, there have been kind of McDonald’s suchi burgers at branches in the Philippines. They’re called McRice Burgers. Instead of buns, you have rice patties. They’re quite good actually.

  • xeniadono

    Come to Glasgow, in Scotland, Uk, to see what an abomination is. They love all sort fatty deep fried food over here. Among all the delicacies you can fin around here such as deep fried Mars bar or deep fried battered pizza (Yes, is disgusting) you can find deep fried sushi. That is a culinary aberration!!!

    It does not surprise me though, since people do not have food taste at all!!!

  • Mark T

    Isn’t Sushi by definition just the rice and how it is prepared? I don’t get the hangup about raw fish…

  • katkins

    You said it. My kids love to go to the one conveyor belt sushi place in town, and fully half of the choices include cream cheese. blehhh.

  • therufs

    Haters can hate on. I’d eat the crap out of a sushi burrito.

  • shiro

    Invoking Hitler in a sushi article… nice.

  • dis life

    there’s nothing wrong with the California roll. it’s actually pretty tasty, coming from many Japanese themselves. Sushi doesn’t stop, it keeps on changing. You’d see even worse things at Japanese Kaiten sushi restaurants (as they slather Mayo over everything; Mayo corn sushi?)

    don’t bash on those Cali rolls, as for the rest, those might be stretching the envelope

  • http://www.facebook.com/lava.princeton Lava Yuki

    Woah the USA sure has lots of strange foods! Never seen these in Europe!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Quseio-Slaghappy/1366099320 Quseio Slaghappy

    one of the reasons theres less fish in us sushi…. is its more expensive most of the country is no where near the coast so fish is more expensivei wouldnt list cali rolls theyre great as a sushi starter for someone whos nevere had it b4. give them something easy get em used to the rice and nori.

    One of my favorites is scallop rolls is that a abominbation?
    id have to agree chinese owned sushi joints are all about the sauce and not as friendy as the reports ive seen on japanese sushi

  • Tony Snark

    GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #3: Putting an accent mark in Chipotle so ignorant American readers will know the E in this Nahuatl word is not silent.

  • Lieke

    Still, at sushi restaurants in Japan you also encounter some unusual sushi. I don’t think sausage sushi is very traditional either, but it is very popular among children. Should we really be so purist about sushi if the Japanese themselves don’t seem to be?

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