Are We The Nation Of Sushi Abomination?

Sushi. That delicious Japanese food that everyone seems to love. Call this post a rant if you want, but everyone is doing it wrong. I believe in sushi purity, where no other sushi is allowed to exist in my extremely racist one-sushi world. But seriously though, Americans ruin all ethnic foods. Taco Bell? Happy Teriyaki? Olive Garden!!? The list goes on and on. Sushi, too, is being ruined. We are the nation of Sushi Abominations. This will not stand. Allow yourself to be educated (in case you’re the type of person who thinks Taco Bell is traditional Mexican food).

What Is Sushi?

First we have to find out what sushi is before I can tell you what sushi isn’t. Sushi is made with rice with vinegar in it, and can be put together in a variety of ways. There are a lot, but the main ones are…

Makizushi: aka “rolled sushi.” This is what you usually see in America because it tends to have less raw fish in it (shame on you!).
Nigirizushi: aka “hand-formed sushi” is made with a round-rectangle-ish shape of rice with a topping draped over it. This topping is usually raw fish.
Chirashizushi: aka “scattered sushi” is a bowl of rice with raw fish and other garnishes on top. It’s like a sushi rice-bowl, if that helps you to envision it.

There are others, but that’ll get you the main picture. Originally, sushi came from something known as narezushi, which is basically a form of pickled fish (convenient because it could last up to six months, yum!). This developed into oshizushi, which is a kind of pressed sushi where rice and fish were squished together in a rectangular mold.

From there, sushi became smaller and much more ~~fuel~~ efficient (just like most Japanese products) and turned into nigirizushi, which is basically what we see today. Definitely went through an evolution of sorts to get to where it is today…

But that’s where the problems start. This is like the movie Gattaca. Sushi was fine before it came to America. It was walking along on natural evolutionary progression. Then America was like… oh hey! Let’s change it! Let’s genetically alter the sushi and create a “perfect” sushi. Perfect? PShhdKLJFSLFdkd. You’re DESTROYING SOCIETY SLOWLY WHILE YOU THINK YOU’RE IMPROVING IT. OPEN YOUR 20-20 VISION EYES.

So what are these genetically altered sushi? These unnatural sushi? Let me tell you.

Sushi Abominations

There are some small abominations, but I won’t list them here. You can list them in the comments, if you want. Here I’m going to reveal to you the heavy hitters. These terrible sushi abominations are ruining the world we live in. This needs to be stopped.

California Roll

Let’s begin with the sushi roll that started it all. The California Roll. This sushi roll has compromise written all over it, and when it comes to sushi, there should be no compromise. THIS IS SPARTA.

The California roll was introduced in the 1960s in, you guessed it, California (Los Angeles to be more specific). LA is a popular place for Japanese to move to. LA is as American as it gets. At the Tokyo Kaikan Restaurant (one of the first sushi bars in LA), Ichiro Mashita came up with the idea.

GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #1: Instead of raw fatty tuna (toro), he put in avocado, because Americans didn’t like the idea of eating raw things (boo hoo).

GREAT DISHONOR COMPROMISE #2: He made the roll “inside-out” with the seaweed (nori) wrap on the inside, because Americans didn’t want to know they were eating seaweed (boo-dee-hoo-hoo).

Of course, this half-step-child of sushi became popular all across the United States because it was made less real. It’s no wonder you see Olive Gardens everywhere.

Frushi (Fruit + Sushi)

This is NOT okay

I think the fruishi (that’s fruit + sushi )boom has come and gone (I hope, hope, hope), but that doesn’t mean we should have let it happen. Kind of like sitting back and watching the Nazis do their thing until it was too late, this should have been stopped a long time ago.

There are many ways to make fruit sushi, though the worst ones are the ones that try to be like really sushi (while still calling themselves “new and exciting”). These recipes use regular rice and roll up fruit inside of it instead of fish or vegetables. I think you can imagine why this didn’t catch on for very long.

The other kind, which goes for sweet rice-substitutes (unforgivable!) are a tiny bit better, but this is still the sort of thing I wouldn’t allow anyone to bring to my home. I don’t care if it’s a potluck, and it’s raining outside, you’re not bringing that in my home, boy.

Sushi Burritos aka Sushirritos

Japanese food… so delicate… so refined… so, OMG WTF IS THIS?

This is the picture that made me think of the topic for this post. I mean seriously… what do you say to this? While I’m sure this sushirrito is delicious (it pains me to say so), I think it’s a generally good rule of thumb not to eat anything I can’t fit in my mouth. Look out, Chipotlé… you have a rival.

If you live in or around San Francisco, you can actually get one of these. Let me know how it was if you do!

Sushi Pizza

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And last but definitely not least is sushi pizza. Sushi pizza (also known as “Toronto Sushi Pizza”) is supposedly very popular in Toronto, Montreal, and various Northeastern US states. While most of the sushi-blame-game so far has been targeted at the United States, Canada is close enough. I’m sure they can ruin hundreds of years of tradition just like Americans can (though, I gotta say, gravy on fries? Well done Canada, well done).

Sushi pizza consists of a fried rice patty as the base with layers of sliced ingredients (popular ones seem to be avocado, different kinds of fish, and mayonnaise). The claimed inventor of this dish can be found in Montreal, Quebec at the Atami Sushi Restaurant.

What Will They Think Of Next?

You tell me. Sushi burgers? Sushi tacos? McDonald’s Sushi Burgers? Oh gosh. I’m not sure if I can survive in a future where these things exist. Seriously, the sushi mutations are moving faster than anyone can hope to contain. I’m going to head off and start digging the hole for my bunker now before sushi gains sentience.

P.S. Maybe we can hide from the sushi abominations together on Twitter?
P.P.S. Twitter was just to distract them. We’re really hiding on Facebook and Google+

paizley

EEk! Sriracha and mayo on sushi…BLEH! Imitation crab…eeew!

I prefer sashimi. Then I get just fish. My old-fashioned Japanese mother used to make the best futomaki. She also made the best shime-saba. She would only eat at Japanese-owned sushi restaurants. It was fun going to a sushi-house with her because she would always get special treatment. Of course she was jabbering away in Nihongo the entire time!
paizley

Koichi was referring to a natural evolution of sushi in Japan. So I feel if it happened in Japan, it’s ok. But when sushi came to the US, it didn’t evolve, it was bastardized.
Tomu

So tell me, are you eating the fermented fish in a barrel of rice that was the “first” sushi? No?

OMG SUSHI IS RUINED FOREVER.

May I also point out that these innovations were made by Japanese?
m

.I don’t get what’s wrong with this. I’m a vegetarian myself and can only eat vegetarian-friendly sushi like tamago, inarizushi, and any sushi with vegetables and no fish in it. :/
Sun Hao

The avocado and the cucumber are the only few ingredients that deserves to be placed in a sushi. Because the avocado actually tastes natural even when combined with fish and rice, and the cucumber doesn’t overwhelm anything, this is true. This is why California Roll is accepted in Japan, because, it tastes natural. Imitation Crab does not violate much, either. If there is a problem that I can see, it would be the mayonnaise, spicy sauce smothered all over, the cream cheese, and other strange sauces. And omgoodness, fried sushi is even worse. Those are the abomination lol.
Yo

Working at Japanese restaurant for a few years and I also agree with you. Its pretty ridiculous how much the sauce used for everything they eat. And a lot of these Chinese owned sushi places do that. But everyone has their personal preferences. Yes, a lot of “pure” sushi will be the best thing you will ever have but that doesn’t mean the local “special” doesn’t belong or taste go. We all have a different palate. Trying forcing the Asians to eat Oreos, too sweet for their palate.

My problem is that since their is a language barrier between Chinese owners and uninformed Americans, is that they understand little about what sushi truly is and anyone that says that a Chinese owned placed is bad. I’ve seen Japanese owned placed operate with the same mentality.
Cameron

While it is disheartening to observe the adverse effects that commercialization can have on any culinary culture, your critique of certain facets of American sushi leaves much to be desired. In particular, your professed adherence to “purism” demonstrates a warped understanding of the essence of Japanese cuisine as a culinary tradition. Consider, for a moment, tea culture and kaiseki within what we could call “traditional” Japanese culture. One of the most prominent aspects of these two traditions is the relationship that each has with not only the seasons, but also the surroundings that serve as the aesthetic backdrop to the event. This relationship has not only defined tea culture for centuries, it has also featured prominently within Japanese cuisine as a whole – one need not look further than the term “washoku” itself to understand the importance of harmony (和) in the foundation of Japanese culinary tradition.

To reject this relationship, then, in favor of a more vain approach represents a flagrant bastardization of one of the most essential components of the philosophy behind Japanese cuisine and its corresponding aesthetic. Boasting that you prefer a more “correct” or “pure” version of sushi – and criticizing all that does not fall within these rigid parameters – directly contradicts the notion that cuisine ought to serve as a reflection and extension of its own environment, free of corruption or superfluous and inappropriate additions (remember the story of Sen no Rikyu and the sugared watermelon?). That having been said, one could argue that the American use of atypical ingredients such as the avocado in the preparation of sushi is actually in perfect accordance with the essence of Japanese cuisine.

Also, I would be careful using buzzwords such as “purity” from now on. Not only are “purity” and “authenticity” purely subjective terms, the transfer of culture across geocultural boundaries is not a new phenomenon and oftentimes practices which we regard as “traditional” may in fact be quite the opposite. For example, matcha, which many both inside and outside of Japan consider to be a representative Japanese beverage, was actually introduced to Japan by Chinese buddhists centuries ago. Sushi in its present form didn’t even exist until the mid-nineteenth century, when it was introduced as a fast food alternative to the more “authentic” narezushi.

On a lesser note, is it not inappropriate to judge the “authenticity” of a certain cultural practice based on the parameters of another culture? Japanese-American sushi is not Japanese sushi, and therefore should not be judged as such. Likewise, while Chicago pizza, for example, fails as Italian pizza, it excels in its own right as a separate dish.

So, is the sushirrito silly? Certainly. What’s worse, however, is disregarding the fundamental principles that inform the Japanese culinary tradition in favor of adherence to some distorted understanding of “purism”.
stfu.com

that came off really cunty…
dee

one thing i can’t abide are the wacky fusion rolls with bacon in them. bacon? freaking bacon? if i wanted bacon, i’d go to a diner. seriously it just masks the flavor of everything else, and makes me wonder if the fish in that roll is about to give me food poisoning :(
PizzaAbominations

Yeah, wow, cuz it’s not like the Japanese ever do anything like this to non-Japanese food *CoughanyandallJapanesepizzacough*