The Onion is, perhaps, one of the best written news sites out there. Period. Oh, sure, it consists of a whole bunch of “parody” and “fake news” – but that doesn’t mean the writing is bad. Quite the opposite. They ought to win a Pulitzer or two (or three or four). Parody news, however, can actually do a pretty good job examining truths. If there wasn’t some truth involved, it wouldn’t be a parody anymore. That’s what makes it so funny.
Over the years, The Onion has done a good number of stories on Japan-related things. These are the best of the best (in my opinion) Japan-related stories that The Onion has put up to date.
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
One of the things the Onion does a great job at is “opposites” humor. They write a story that is the exact opposite of what you’d expect in order to create a hilarious situation. In this case, they’ve taken the normal “Japanese Schoolgirl Fetish” and flipped that on its head. Look at those sexy middle-aged white male pictures on her wall. Mmm mmm.
AOMORI, JAPAN—At first glance, 17-year-old Misaki Nakajima seems like any other shy and submissive Japanese schoolgirl. She loves shopping, text messaging, and the color pink. But beneath her wholesome exterior lies a wicked secret: Misaki Nakajima is consumed by sexual fantasies involving sweaty, middle-aged American men.
I think this paragraph sums it up pretty well though… well, sums up the opposite pretty well:
It’s not uncommon for Asian girls to be fascinated with these types of men,” said Dr. Yasuhara, who found in a recent survey that three out of 10 Japanese teenage girls list Paul Giamatti as the most attractive American celebrity. “And it’s easy to see why. Sweaty, forty-something Caucasians represent the epitome of mystery and wonder to Asian teens.
Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant
I think this happens a lot. I don’t know why, but it does. I suppose people want to show their Japanese exchange student how Japanese they really can be (answer is, not very much).
The Eagle [Food Center] has take-out sushi, but I didn’t think there was a place you could sit down for a genuine Japanese meal,” Tucker said Monday. “But as I was reading the paper Sunday, I happened to notice an ad for Edo. I knew Takashi would be so thrilled.
But, if you take your Japanese exchange student out to Japanese food, even if it’s particularly authentic (usually it’s not), you’re basically doing something like this:
The outing marked the first time any of the Tuckers had eaten Japanese food and Miyazawa’s 18,358th.
Seriously. Japanese people just want to eat hamburgers. Go take them to eat hamburgers.
Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial
I think this post is more something that makes me nostalgic, more than anything. The image above comes from this series of commercials:
The article is pretty funny too. Japanese commercials pay out the big bucks when it comes to getting some star talent (compared to America), which is why there are so many American Celebrities doing Japanese commercials.
Representatives for Ezaki Glico confirmed this week that the visually opulent ad will feature the president wearing swim trunks and relaxing with a group of young Japanese male friends by the side of an animated swimming pool filled with melted cheese and ham.
Totally sounds like a Japanese commercial to me.
Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147
Sometimes the Onion isn’t known for it’s sensitivity on subjects, and this is probably one of those times.
Japanese government officials confirmed Monday that the damage wrought on Japan’s national infrastructure by the July 16th earthquake—particularly on the country’s protective force field, quantum teleportation system, zero-point fusion energy broadcasting grid, and psychodynamic communications network—was severe enough to set the technologically advanced island nation back approximately 300 years to a primitive mid-22nd-century state of existence.
Japan’s pretty well known for being kind of futuristic. I mean, they are the world’s number one producer of evil robots, after all. The Onion does a good job taking advantage of the stereotype that Japan is in the future and everyone else is in the past. My favorite part was how they hinted that a 92 year old Japanese person is young.
The older generations can talk all they want about the virtues of eating meals in pill form and taking the moving sidewalk instead of the wormhole, but this is just plain deprivation, and it sucks,” Shunji, 92, said. “It doesn’t help that recovery efforts have been so slow. Why is it taking so long for officials to reconnect something as basic as the Neural Net?
Japanese people live for a pretty long time, I suppose.
David Ortiz Plays Games In Japan Wearing Camera, Fanny Pack
If you’ve ever seen a group of middle-aged Japanese tourists, then this headline is enough said.
Game Shows Now No. 1 Cause Of Death In Japan
Gotta love Onion Radio News. Also gotta love all the hilarious Japanese game shows. Plenty of Japanese game shows seem pretty scary, and sometimes kind of deadly, so this radio piece takes advantage of that. Kind of reminds me of something else with Chris Farley.
Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters
Oh, you think, Japan?
TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan’s Nihon prefecture may have contributed to the development of kaiju—translated as “strange, mysterious beast-animal supernatural giant warrior-monsters”—whose many battles have wreaked havoc throughout the Western world and Japan since the late 1950s.
Wouldn’t be a Tofugu post without some kind of monster reference.
Ichiro: ‘The Best Part About Playing For My Country Was Not Playing For The Seattle Mariners’
Poor, poor Ichiro. Also, poor, poor Mariners.
In an interview following Japan’s 10-6 victory against Cuba in the World Baseball Classic championship game Monday, Ichiro Suzuki called the tournament a “great opportunity to represent anything besides the Seattle Mariners.”
Playing alongside my countrymen on the world stage was nice, but the highlight of the event for me was not having to watch helplessly from the on-deck circle as [Seattle outfielder] Willie Bloomquist pops out for the fourth time in one game
Ouch and double ouch.
Kobayashi Retires From Eating
Tofugu’s covered Kobayashi a couple times – we kind of like him. Unfortunately, he keeps losing to his rival and keeps having trouble with the federation that lets people do eating contests (i.e. he can’t be a part of both of them, because the people in charge are idiots).
I suppose he just couldn’t take it anymore and decided it was time to retire.
I used to eat because I wanted to, but lately it seems like I only do it because I feel like I have to,” added Kobayashi, who claims that he was in the middle of eating his 52nd barbecue chicken wing last week when he realized he no longer possessed the same hunger he did earlier in his career. “I knew it was time to step aside and give others the chance to eat.
We obviously wish the best to Kobayashi during his fake retirement.
More Japan-Articles On The Onion
There are plenty more Japan-related articles on The Onion, and I’m sure many of them are awesome. Definitely let us know in the comments if you see anything awesomer than the ones above, though I think that’ll be tough to do (luckily humor depends on the recipient!).