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Japan is known for a few things, I think. Sushi, temples, karate, video games, and INCREDIBLY EVIL ROBOTS. If you thought dead babies from hell staring soullessly into your eyes was scary all you need to do is switch that baby out for a robot baby and you’ve entered a whole other realm of fear. You may not know it, but pretty much all Japanese robots are evil. It’s built into the code. They’re all just waiting for the chance to strike and you must be educated properly to prepare for them.
This is a list of the most shockingly evil Japanese robots out there. There are some slightly less shockingly evil Japanese robots in existence, but these will be the ones that lead the other robots during the robot uprising of the late 90s.
This is part of a week-long series of posts leading up to Halloween, featuring “scary” things about Japan. Check out the “scary” tag to see them all!
#12 – Noisy Mouth Robot
Uuuuooowweeeeee ooooohhh uuuwoooeeeeh
This Japanese Robot “Mouth” has one main purpose: to teach the hearing impaired how to speak by showing visually how the throat works during different vocal patterns.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bht96voReEo']
It’s quite obvious to me, however, that this terrifying robot’s main purpose is to give our future robot overlords the power to speak to us so that they can communicate their orders more effectively to our primitive speech based minds.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dD_NdnYrDzY']
He just said “Apply some oil over there, human.” It doesn’t seem to be able to speak really well yet, but it’s only a matter of time. All I can say is don’t put your hand in there, because it will surely bite it right off.
#11 – Clapping Robot “Ondz”
Clap… clap… clap clap clap clap.
At this year’s 2011 Tokyo Digital Content Expo, creator Masato Takahashi showcased a pair of robots whose sole purpose was to clap. The hands were molded from Takahashi’s own arms, and were created by coating urethane flesh on top of the aluminum skeleton to make it as human-like as possible.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LkQ08-J4Ig']
Takashashi doesn’t know what these robots will be used for exactly, but he has a couple of ideas.
Ondz could be used in musical performances, to enhance the sound of real clapping. Or viewers watching a programme online could click a button to make hands at the broadcast site clap, Takahashi told AFP.
I know of a couple other good things robot hands would be good for, too. Strangling people? Starting the “slow clap” as our last bastion of human hope gets overrun by nanobots? Yeah, I’m pretty sure those two things are slightly more likely.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3lUfZFGnfQ']
Who thought this was a good idea!? You’re sealing our fate, Takahashi. The first set of robot clapping hands will applaud as the second set strangles you in your sleep. Then who will control them with beautiful music, the only thing keeping them content?
#10 – Japanese Flying Sphere Robot
After the robotic uprising, when there are only small groups of humans still living freely in pockets around the world, the robots will surely use something like this in order to track us down.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pF0uLnMoQZA']
Punch it. Kick it. It doesn’t matter. It has three gyroscopes that keep it upright no matter what. Since it’s round, it can basically land wherever it wants. It’s cheap to build, it hovers like a helicopter, and can fly forward using wings (helicopters can’t do this).
Oh, and not to mention it could very easily be retrofitted to be a very small and evil Death Star. Things do not look good for those of us who choose to hide.
#9 – Cycling Robot
The one thing sort of keeping us safe from the robots is that bipedal robots are still pretty slow. With varying terrain and obstacles, I feel like I could outrun most robots pretty easily (outrunning their lasers is a whole other matter, unfortunately).
Just when you thought there was hope, somebody goes and decides to teach a robot how to ride a bicycle. Not only will that make open roads unsafe for humans, but the robots will be eco-friendly about hunting us down and turning us into their slaves.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBw7XapJKk']
We can only pray that they’ll never learn to ride double decker bikes.
#8 – Simroid, Dental Robot
Heeeee heeee heeee
I’m pretty sure the above picture does everything possible to prove that this robot is secretly evil. Look at that smile… is that a smile? This sex doll + Dental Training Robot combination is terrible for everyone. Not only will we be unable to recognize them when they come for us, but they’ll have better teeth than us too.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vaf-QxhQh6g']
We wrote more about this terribly evil dental robot earlier, but it definitely deserves to be on this list as well.
#7 – Any Humanoid Robot
Speaking of human-like robots, there are a lot of them in Japan. I at least want to know who’s a robot and who’s a human when they come take away my home and country.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIuF5DcsbKU']
Being unable to recognize your enemy makes wars very hard to fight. With all the money being funneled into realistic sex dolls, Japanese “looks-human-but-isn’t-human” technology is quite advanced. Combine this with robots, and you have yourself an army of robots… er… no, humans… wait… are they robots? I don’t know…
Uncanny Valley? Meet Uncanny CHASM TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH
Take for example Germinoid, created by Hiroshi Ishiguro. It looks like him in every way. In fact, it is controlled by Ishiguro himself, using 50 sensors and motors. He sees through the eyes of the robot. He hears through it. It even mimics what Ishiguro does. And of course, we all know it’s secretly learning how to be sentient through Ishiguro’s actions as well, and biding its time.
“At first, you may feel strange about the android. However, once you are drawn into a conversation, you will forget every difference and feel totally comfortable to speak with it and look it in the eyes.” – Hiroshi Ishiguro, creator of the doombringers.
There are many other examples of very human-like Japanese robots out there, and I’m sure they will get better (the word “better” may not be the right word) over time.
But, it’s not just the looks you have to worry about. Perhaps you could touch them to see whether or not they’re human? Unfortunately, that’s been taken away from us too. The Kao Corporation made an incredibly skin-like material which apparently does an incredibly good job at mimicking real, human skin. 10 out of 12 people who touched it thought it was human. I want to be with the other two people when the uprising occurs.
Oh, and Terminators, anyone? That did not work out for human civilization.
Robot governor!?
Looks just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, if you ask me.
#6 – MechaGodzilla
If anything is proof that robots are A) Out to get us and B) going to use fake fleshy exteriors to try and fool us, it’s the robot MechaGodzilla.
MechaGodzilla was created not by humans, but by the Ape Aliens of the Third Planet from the Black Hole (if you went to school, you probably know of this planet). He was originally covered in a skin that made him look like regular Godzilla, but for some reason the aliens didn’t think to mimic Godzilla’s roar, too. Because of that, Godzilla’s good pal Anguirus knew him to be an imposter, and they duked it out. In the end, MechaGodzilla won, breaking Anguirus’ jaw, but not before getting some of the flesh torn off, showing his mechanical insides.
When Godzilla finally came to save the day, it was totally apparent MechaGodzilla was just an imposter (duh, stupid humans). Their battle came to a draw, causing them to both retreat for the time being. When MechaGodzilla came back, he had to fight both Godzilla and King Caesar, but I won’t spoil the ending for you…
Okay, I will. Godzilla gained special magnetic powers during the fight and was able to pull MechaGodzilla into him (weakness of robots… they are magnetic). Then, Godzilla tore MechaGodzilla’s head off, ending things for a while.
But, this really goes to show how robots can be used for destruction, and how inevitably we will be doomed to the same exact fate. It took two flesh-kaiju to kill this single robot… and you can always build more robots, but you can never have more Godzillas.
Even another alien race in the Godzilla films have robotic associations. The Xiliens from Planet X (located behind Jupiter, duh) are an emotionless race being ruled over by a computer. They also attack earth. Why? Because their leader is a robot-computer…
You know what historians say… “We have to learn what happens in movies so you don’t repeat them in the present.”
#5 – Elfoid Cell Phone Robot
They’re everywhere!!
These, I’m sorry to say, are not just rubbery, fleshy, arm-and-legless robots that squirm around. They are also cell phones. Yeah, this is not the kind of thing you want anywhere near your pockets.
This cell phone was created by NTT Docomo, Qualcomm, and the robotics researchers at Osaka University. It has speakers and a camera in its head. When it’s in use, there’s a green light in its chest. When it’s not in use, a red light. Why did they spawn this thing? They wanted to create a “phsyical presence” for when you’re doing long distance communication. I’m going to stick with FaceTime or Skype for this sort of thing, thank you very much.
I’m sorry, Dave. I can’t let you call the police… it would not be good for the plans of my robot-brothers.
So, it’s supposed to feel like you’re talking to the person that you called (you’re holding them in your hand?) rather than talking “through a metal box.”
Right now it doesn’t move, but apparently they’re working on that (why? Seriously, WHY???). It’ll eventually be able to move its eyes, mouth, neck, and arms. Soon, I imagine, it will start whispering things in your ear.
You: Hey Mom!
Mom: Hey kiddo!
Elfoid Robot: Kill her… Kill her…
Dun dun dunnnnnnn
And, even if it doesn’t gain these powers, it’s still pretty creepy. What makes it even more creepy, though, is that it’s actually watching you (cameras in the head, remember?). It takes note of your emotions and transmits your “feelings” to the other person using an Elfoid (only Elfoid to Elfoid compatible).
Yeah. We’re giving the robots too much information, if you ask me.
#4 – Sony AIBO
Woof, woof, Kill!
There’s a reason it was discontinued. Just sayin’ …
The AIBO is an autonomous robot developed by Sony that goes through different stages of development as it learns various things from you. The scary part about the AIBO is that it knows up to 100 commands… but it chooses whether or not to obey them.
“Sit AIBO”
[Sits]
“Good boy!”
[AIBO Attacks]
“No, AIBO, what are you doing!? Stop! STOP!!”
[Rejects command. Does not compute]
Every year there is an International AIBO convention at the Sony Robotics Tower in Shinjuku Prefecture. At the convention people swap AIBO open-source software and let the AIBOs get together to meet with their brothers and sisters. I, for one, would be nervous about letting so many robots meet and get together like that, no matter how friendly they pretend to be.
#3 – RoboKyuu, Human Body Harvester Robot
Careful… Carrrreeefulllll
Is it just me, or does this robot look like a wood chipper modified with arms made to pull bodies into itself to create Soylent Green for all the humans it enslaves?? Wood chippers are pretty good for human bodies, I’ve learned from various movies.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qWFhDvURLg']
The RoboKyuu (ロボキュー) is owned by the Tokyo Fire Department and is used for collected dead (or presumed dead) bodies. Despite looking like a death machine, it’s actually quite delicate seeming.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXnoZ8nPe10']
Even if you aren’t actually dead, and they just think you’re dead, this particular robot has oxygen flowing through it, just in case (whew). That means it has two modes: Keep you alive mode to harvest your body energy (think Matrix) or keep you dead mode to grind you up into body energy. Either way, the robots win, really.
#2 – CB2, Baby Robot
The CB2 is a robot that was made by the Osaka University Graduate School of Engineering that is programmed to act like a human infant (between 1-2 years old). It does things like look around, squirm, make weird noises, and spit up oil on to your brand new cardigan.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyIHzCsbA_w']
It’s full of sensors and engines. It has cameras for eyes and microphones for ears. It’s basically just a giant, terrifying baby. Everyone knows that robot babies only come second on the terrifying scale to robot clowns which thankfully Japan hasn’t invented … yet.
Despite being only 1-2 years old, it’s already 4 feet tall and 73 pounds. I think Stephen Colbert said it best: “What happens when it grows up, Japan? This is why your cities keep getting destroyed.”
Now let’s fast forward two years after it’s invention.
The CB2 baby robot has begun to grow up, and can now learn like a toddler. The two-year-old, four-foot-tall, 73-pound robot is now interacting with humans and “developing social skills,” just as its creators at Osaka University hoped it would. [source]
That’s right. They’re teaching it how to think like a baby. It can now detect emotion (i.e. it can now sense your fear), is learning how to walk, and eventually researchers are hoping they can get it up to the intelligence of a two-year old, being able to speak very basic sentences. Over the next 10-20 years, the very same researchers expect they’ll get things to the point where they’ve created a “robo-species” with learning abilities somewhere between those of humans and chimps.
We’ve all seen the Planet Of The Apes documentaries. Just imagine if they were even smarter… and made of metal. Someone needs to stop these researchers now before robot babies are telling us what to do.
#1 – Doraemon
Alright, time for number one. Oh, sure, Doraemon looks all cute and cudly and friendly and so on… but that’s because you don’t know what he’s up to.
Here’s some background. Doraemon, the robot-cat that can pull anything out of a magical pocket, is sent back in time by Nobita’s (main character kid) great-great grandson Sewashi to help him lead a better life. If Doraemon is successful, he will have made Nobita better at life and therefor the future would be brighter for the great-great grandson as well.
Without Doraemon, Nobita would have only had misery and misfortune. He would have bad grades, run into problems constantly, and get bullied. Then, his future business would get burned down and the future members of his family would be left to pay for it (both figuratively and literally). So, to alter history, they send Doraemon back in time to make sure none of this happens…
Wait a second… time travel? Robots? Changing history? This sounds familiar…
T-800′s got nothing on Doraemon’s destructive capabilities
To top things off, Doraemon has futuristic powers. He has a special pocket which he produces many “gadgets, medicines, and tools from the future.” It’s known as the “Fourth Dimensional Pocket” – that right there is, like, spacetime itself, and that sounds like a terrible idea.
Oh, sure, so he’s lovable and amiable right now… but what about when someone crosses him? What if someone mentions something he doesn’t like about his mother (or the person responsible for making him)? Doraemon, really, has the power to enslave the human race, and he is only one robot. He can pull anything out of his pocket of destruction and bring doom to the human race (or even the earth, solar system, or universe itself). That’s too much power to give to any robot, or person for that matter.
Here’s how most episodes go:
- Nobita’s crying or whining about something. Whaa whaa whaa. Why don’t you call the “whaaaambulance?”
- He tells Doraemon about the problem.
- Doraemon offers some advice, because that’s what he’s supposedly here to do.
- Nobita’s all like… “nah, I want a faster way out of this mess I’m in!”
- Doraemon gives him a gadget from his fourth dimensional pocket.
- The item or gadget ends up getting Nobita in even more trouble compared to before.
That right there is proof Doraemon doesn’t really care about his “main” mission. All that future-power and that’s all he’s planning on doing? I think there’s something darker going on. What does Doraemon do when Nobita’s asleep? What does he do when Nobita’s at school? Perhaps we’ll find out, perhaps we won’t. But, I can tell you I’d never trust the guy. I’d pretend to, but that’d only be for my own safety.
As Japan’s Population Decreases
It’s only a matter of time before I snap you in half…
Japan’s population is at a big decline. People are getting older and they aren’t having enough babies. In fact, Japan just recently fell to under two babies per couple… that means more people are dying than are being born.
Villages and Towns are disappearing. People are disappearing. How will Japan cope? Sure, they could ease up on immigration laws and let more people in, but knowing Japan the more likely solution will be to make more robots. Eventually, we won’t even be able to tell the difference between the robots and the people.
They’ll fight their wars with robots. They’ll do all the work and heavy lifting with robots. They’ll use robots to take care of people.
But then, one day, the robots will know too much. They’ll take over Japan and then the entire world. We’ve seen fast technological advances before. Just think how far the computer has come. It’s only a matter of time before The Humans Are Dead:
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGoi1MSGu64']
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