I bet a lot of you have heard about this. James Wong is directing a live action version of DragonBall (and probably going to ruin his career in the process, though there isn’t much to ruin when you directed Final Destination 3). Not since Ramen Girl has anyone tried to ruin a perfectly good Japanese story so unforgivably. Though, I suppose, at least Dragonball will have that potential to become a good drinking game. It has that going for it. Erin brought this to my attention a while ago, when it was still in rumors-ville, but recently, when a trailer actually came out, I decided that it needed a little more attention. We’ll be showing you the trailer a little further down. But first, we have to show you the cast. Try not to throw up in your mouths.
Goku: Justin Chatwin
Okay, so Goku had dark hair back in the day, so Justin’s got that part right. After that, he’s got absolutely nothing. Nothing. He’s a skinny little knee-biter, and if you’ve seen the original Japanese version of DragonBall, his voice isn’t a girl’s voice. Someone should kick him between the legs. Steve Buschemi would have made a better Goku than this guy. Who did the photoshopping on his hair, btw? A monkey?
Piccolo: James Masters
First off, Piccolo is not white; he is green. Secondly, what’s wrong with the dude on the right? Does he not make it outside very often? Is he part fish? Is he trying to learn Japanese from anime? All I know is I’d never let my child hang out with Uncle Piccolo if he looked like that. My pick? Probably that green dinosaur that was on Barney.
Bulma: Emmy Rossum
Ugh, now I’m getting frustrated. I didn’t realize Laura Croft was making an appearance.
Master Roshi: Chow Yun-Fat
Okay, so finally there’s a decent cast member. Not the best actor in the world, but at least I’ve heard his name before…but wait, where’s the beard? I wish Mr. Miyagi was still alive.
Yamcha: Joon Park
This almost feels accurate, actually. Too bad they didn’t manage to get anywhere near this with the actual main characters of the film.
Mai: Eriko Tamura
Alright! Someone who’s actually Japanese. Wait a sec. Who is this? “She is a chief enforcer of Piccolo’s and a shape shifter.” Whhaatt?
So you have the cast, now, so why don’t we find out what the plot is:
Goku (Justin Chatwin) goes on a journey to find Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat) and gather the seven mystical Dragon Balls before the evil Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) can. Along his way, he meets Bulma (Emmy Rossum) who then joins him to help him in his mission. When arriving at Roshi’s place, he is not welcomed with embrace but he has to fight Roshi. Roshi soon learns that Goku is the grandson of Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) and thus trains him to prepare him for the ultimate battle with Lord Piccolo to prevent him from collecting the powerful orbs.
And now, what you’ve all been waiting for: The trailer. I think April is when they restart the Large Hadron Collider back up. Hopefully it brings an end to the world first, before this movie can do something much much worse to us.
So there you have it. The end of the world as we know it. You thought Super Mario Brothers the movie was bad. You thought Mortal Combat was bad. You thought Street Fighter was bad. Oh no. This is going to be much, much worse. I’d rather get kicked in the DragonBalls than sit through this thing.
[yframe url='http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtfKlv0G_G8']
Tell me what you think? Think it’ll be good? Who should be playing these characters instead of the ones chosen above? Steve Buschemi FTW?