Surprisingly, this morning I learned that it was Buddha’s birthday. The cool Frood is turning 2,571 years old today, so make sure you sing him a song (video comments, anyone??) and dip him in some ama-cha to clean him off (he only gets one bath a year). In celebration of today, I thought I’d do a special post about Buddha.

According to The Sutra of the Marks Buddha has 32 “main traits” and 80 “secondary traits.” I discovered this list (which I’ll go into more detail on below) about a year ago, and I was very pleased at how many traits I shared with the enlightened one. This was one of my main strategies for attracting women: “Did you know that I share [blank] number of physical traits with Buddha?”

Anyways, here are the lists. The ones that are highlighted red are ones that I share with Buddha, along with a final percentage at the end. Tell me how close you are, as well, I’m interested in my “becoming Buddha” competition so I can pick up the pace and get plastic surgery accordingly.

32 Main Traits of Buddha

1. He has feet with a level sole
2. He has the mark of a thousand-spoked wheel on the soles of his feet (maybe if it was a broken wheel)
3. He has projecting heels
4. He has long fingers and toes (Long and beautiful. I should be a hand model, really)
5. His hands and feet are soft-skinned (Once again, hand model)
6. He has netlike lines on palms and soles
7. He has high raised ankles
8. He has taut calf muscles like an antelope (I don’t think I could have picked a better descriptor animal)
9. He can touch his knees with the palms of his hands without bending (Try it yourself, a lot creepier than it sounds)
10. His sexual organs are concealed in a sheath (Just kidding)
11. His skin is the color of gold (Too pasty white)
12. His skin is so fine that no dust can attach to it (If being OCD against touching dust counts…)
13. His body hairs are separate with one hair per pore (Couldn’t find any double pore hairs)
14. His body hair is blue-black, the color of collyrium, and curls clockwise in rings.
15. He has an upright stance like that of a brahma
16. He has the seven convexities of the flesh. Note: “the seven convex surfaces,/ on both hands, both feet, both shoulders, and his trunk.” (Hmm, I do lack a trunk)
17. He has an immense torso, like that of a lion
18. The furrow between his shoulders is filled in
19. The distance from hand-to-hand and head-to-toe is equal (Yep, I measured this in Middle School).
20. He has a round and smooth neck (Very big, round, and smooth)
21. He has sensitive taste-buds
22. His jaw is like a lion’s
23. He has 40 teeth. Note: The average person normally has 32 teeth (Dang, the dentist took my shark teeth out when I was a toddler)
24. His teeth are evenly spaced (Pretty darn close)
25. His teeth are without gaps in-between
26. His teeth are quite white
27. He has a large, long tongue
28. He has a voice like a Brahma’s
29. He has very blue eyes
30. He has eyelashes like an ox (most girls are jealous of them, and my Chinese zodiac is an Ox, must be meant to be)
31. He has a white soft wisp of hair in the center of the brow (I’m sure I’ll have one eventually, my dad’s side has a lot of premature graying)
32. His head is like a royal turban. Note that this denotes his cranial protrusion, visible on Buddhist iconography (I don’t think I want this one. “Cranial protrusion” sounds a lot like “brain tumor” to me)

SCORE: 11/32 = 34%

80 Sub-Traits of Buddha:

1. He has beautiful fingers and toes (hand model)
2. He has well-proportioned fingers and toes (hand model)
   
3. He has tube-shaped fingers and toes.
4. His fingernails and toenails have a rosy tint.
5. His fingernails and toenails are slightly upturned at the tip.
6. His fingernails and toenails are smooth and rounded without ridges.
7. His ankles and wrists are rounded and undented.
8. His feet are of equal length.
9. He has a beautiful gait, like that of a king-elephant (maybe I’m just biased, but I think so. My grandma always used to describe my gait like that of a king-elephant)
10. He has a stately gait, like that of a king-lion (grandma again)
11. He has a beautiful gait, like that of a swan (maybe not this one)
12. He has a majestic gait, like that of a royal ox (or this one)
13. His right foot leads when walking
14. His knees have no protruding kneecaps.
15. He has the demeanor of a great man (not sure if I can get away with this one)
16. His navel is without blemish (my navel is beautiful)
17. He has a deep-shaped abdomen.
18. He has clockwise marks on the abdomen.
19. His thighs are rounded like banana sheafs.
20. His two arms are shaped like an elephant’s trunk.
21. The lines on the palms of his hands have a rosy tint.
22. His skin is thick or thin as it should be. (lot of room on this one, huh)
23. His skin is unwrinkled (for now)
    
24. His body is spotless and without lumps.
25. His body is unblemished above and below.
26. His body is absolutely free of impurities.
27. He has the strength of 100,000 crores or 1000 elephants (what the hell are crores?)
28. He has a protruding nose.
29. His nose is well proportioned.
30. His upper and lower lips are equal in size and have a rosy tint.
31. His teeth are unblemished and with no plaque.
32. His teeth are long like polished conches.
33. His teeth are smooth and without ridges.
34. His five sense-organs are unblemished.
35. His four canine teeth are crystal and rounded (crystal teeth? Wow)
36. His face is long and beautiful.
37. His cheeks are radiant (radiant and chubby)
38. The lines on his palms are deep.
39. The lines on his palms are long.
40. The lines on his palms are straight.
41. The lines on his palms have a rosy tint.
42. His body emanates a halo of light extending around him for two meters (that would be the radioactive glow)
43. His cheek cavities are fully rounded and smooth
44. The five nerves of his eyes are unblemished.
45. The tips of his bodily hair are neither curved nor bent.
46. He has a rounded tongue.
47. His tongue is soft and has a rosy-tint.
48. His ears are long like lotus petals.
49. His earholes are beautifully rounded.
50. His sinews and tendons don’t stick out.
51. His sinews and tendons are deeply embedded in the flesh.
52. His topknot is like a crown.
53. His forehead is well-proportioned in length and breadth.
54. His forehead is rounded and beautiful.
55. His eyebrows are arched like a bow.
56. The hair of his eyebrows is fine.
57. The hair of his eyebrows lies flat.
58. He has large brows.
59. His brows reach the outward corner of his eyes.
60. His skin is fine throughout his body.
61. His whole body has abundant signs of good fortune.
62. His body is always radiant.
63. His body is always refreshed like a lotus flower.
64. His body is exquisitely sensitive to touch.
65. His body has the scent of sandalwood.
66. His body hair is consistent in length.
67. He has fine bodily hair.
68. His breath is always fine.
69. His mouth always has a beautiful smile.
70. His mouth has the scent of a lotus flower.
71. His hair has the colour of a dark shadow.
72. His hair is strongly scented.
73. His hair has the scent of a white lotus.
74. He has curled hair.
75. His hair does not turn grey.
76. He has fine hair.
77. His hair is untangled.
78. His hair has long curls.
79. He has a topknot as if crowned with a flower garland.

Wait a second, I thought there was 80…anyways. Here is my score:

SCORE: 26/79: 33%

So, from the looks of things, I’m 1/3 of the way to becoming a Buddha. How far along are you?

And Buddha, Happy Birthday, you cool frood!

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