In Japan, be Humble

by 92 Comments

Paris Hilton is not humble

In America, we tend to be encouraged to be show our individualist side, take initiative, tell people about our accomplishments, and stick out as much as possible from the rest of society. That’s all fine and dandy, I have nothing against being outgoing/initiative/individualistic. I wish I could be more outgoing, but I was raised to hide, to not stick out. I’m the nail that was hammered down, way down.The worst problem I have is with compliments: When someone says something nice, I don’t know what to say. I usually try to deny it, deflect it, or downright deny it. Doing this whole youtube/blog thing has been very tough for me. I hate getting out there, and the only way I’ve been able to do it is by not telling any of my friends. That’s right, my best friend doesn’t even know I ‘tube; it’s too embarrassing for me.

But I digress. In Japan, you need to be humble. Don’t let anyone compliment you, they are only doing it as a formality. You need to do them a favor, and respect them, by deflecting their compliment and coming up with some kind of excuse that makes you look worse. I spent an entire week in Japanese conversation class a few years back learning about doing just this. Here are a few examples that you can take and use for your self. Many of the answers are interchangeable in many different situations.

Situation:
Ohh Toshi-san, you are so good at Japanese
トウシさんの日本語はうまいですね

Answers:
A. No no, it’s not that good at all
A. いやいや、そんなことないよ
B. But I still can’t read kanji
B. でも、漢字はまだ読めません
C. But my accent is still…
C. でも、私の発音はまだまだ。。。
D. By saying that you make me very happy (the least humble of the four!)
D. そう言ってくれるとありがたいんだ

The video below doesn’t say much else, it just says it in a slightly humorous way. Remember everyone, be humble. If you’re good enough at something, others will praise you for it on their own (at which point you must deny, deny, deny).

[yframe url='www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8JTf2qc7F4']

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  • Tiya

    lol! “oh no, my kid’s a retard”
    ahahaha XD I love that video
    yeah, I don’t look at my accomplishments as worthless, but I don’t pretend like I’m this friggin-awesome-super-amazing good-at-everything-I-do person.
    It’s not really a question about being shy, but more like one of some people being a bit too boastful.
    When people brag, they just look so arrogant and stuck up…
    not to mention annoying with their ‘self-righteous’ kind of attitude.

    I agree with erin and koichi ^^
    When you don’t boast you really do save face and don’t come off as an arrogant jerk to the person you’re speaking with.
    When you say “Nah, I don’t speak all that well” you’re not really lying, but more like not being a super-braggart in your self-critique of your skills.

  • Tiya

    lol! “oh no, my kid’s a retard”
    ahahaha XD I love that video
    yeah, I don’t look at my accomplishments as worthless, but I don’t pretend like I’m this friggin-awesome-super-amazing good-at-everything-I-do person.
    It’s not really a question about being shy, but more like one of some people being a bit too boastful.
    When people brag, they just look so arrogant and stuck up…
    not to mention annoying with their ‘self-righteous’ kind of attitude.

    I agree with erin and koichi ^^
    When you don’t boast you really do save face and don’t come off as an arrogant jerk to the person you’re speaking with.
    When you say “Nah, I don’t speak all that well” you’re not really lying, but more like not being a super-braggart in your self-critique of your skills.

  • Nate

    I don’t think it’s necessary to be more humble than you naturally are if you were an American going to Japan. Japan has just as much individualistic people who stand out. It’s only worse in America cause of our population difference with Japan. C’mon Japan is full of rebellious anxt teens who sneak out of their houses at night goto shows and clubs drink alcohol do drugs and such. I think you’re wrong and naive on how Japan really is a lot more similar to America these days.

  • Nate

    I don’t think it’s necessary to be more humble than you naturally are if you were an American going to Japan. Japan has just as much individualistic people who stand out. It’s only worse in America cause of our population difference with Japan. C’mon Japan is full of rebellious anxt teens who sneak out of their houses at night goto shows and clubs drink alcohol do drugs and such. I think you’re wrong and naive on how Japan really is a lot more similar to America these days.

  • Biff

    I must have been born with some kinda Japanese soul thingie, cause I can’t take compliments either. That is unless I think I REALLY deserve them haha. I always try to be humble, because I’m very sensetive to people’s feelings, and to acting like a jerk. So I can say not all Americans are ignorant of the concept of humility – I guess it’s a psychological thing? The trick really, is to suck it up internally and feed off of it hehehe.

    By the way – I’m so excited I discovered thoughtful and funny Japanese YouTube vids, and a well-written and interesting blog in ENGLISH about Japanese culture! HAPPY DAY!!! I can’t wait to read more :D

  • Biff

    I must have been born with some kinda Japanese soul thingie, cause I can’t take compliments either. That is unless I think I REALLY deserve them haha. I always try to be humble, because I’m very sensetive to people’s feelings, and to acting like a jerk. So I can say not all Americans are ignorant of the concept of humility – I guess it’s a psychological thing? The trick really, is to suck it up internally and feed off of it hehehe.

    By the way – I’m so excited I discovered thoughtful and funny Japanese YouTube vids, and a well-written and interesting blog in ENGLISH about Japanese culture! HAPPY DAY!!! I can’t wait to read more :D

  • samantha

    ur awsome hehe but not sticking out would suck and im not one of those ppl who talk about how great they are so i think iwill be okay

  • samantha

    ur awsome hehe but not sticking out would suck and im not one of those ppl who talk about how great they are so i think iwill be okay

  • Sexy Beam

    This kind of makes it difficult to compliment people in Japan, I think, because they seem to kind of assume you’re doing it as a formality and then deny it. Actually the biggest complaint I’ve ever heard from foreign people living in Japan is that nobody says what they mean, at least not by English standards. There’s always 2ch.net though, which is a huge insult fest sometimes, but that’s because it’s all anonymous.

    Unfortunately for me, I’m unusually tall for a girl, and people do point it out to me every so often, which I find somewhat awkward, because I suppose I don’t really like to be “the nail that sticks up” or something like that most of the time, although I do have an obnoxious side I sometimes show to friends. I think more Japanese probably would tend to see me as not modest enough, compared to more Americans who would tend to see me as too modest.

  • Sexy Beam

    This kind of makes it difficult to compliment people in Japan, I think, because they seem to kind of assume you’re doing it as a formality and then deny it. Actually the biggest complaint I’ve ever heard from foreign people living in Japan is that nobody says what they mean, at least not by English standards. There’s always 2ch.net though, which is a huge insult fest sometimes, but that’s because it’s all anonymous.

    Unfortunately for me, I’m unusually tall for a girl, and people do point it out to me every so often, which I find somewhat awkward, because I suppose I don’t really like to be “the nail that sticks up” or something like that most of the time, although I do have an obnoxious side I sometimes show to friends. I think more Japanese probably would tend to see me as not modest enough, compared to more Americans who would tend to see me as too modest.

  • Holly

    See, I will believe what you tell me, Koichi, and if I ever go, I will do that with you in mind even if it is a lie. My mom would never put a bumper sticker like that on.

    Also, most of your humbling was blatant lies…>________>

    heh!

    Can I IM you to talk about my skill at…uhh…sticking spoons to my nose?(theres a big secret to it!)

  • Holly

    See, I will believe what you tell me, Koichi, and if I ever go, I will do that with you in mind even if it is a lie. My mom would never put a bumper sticker like that on.

    Also, most of your humbling was blatant lies…>________>

    heh!

    Can I IM you to talk about my skill at…uhh…sticking spoons to my nose?(theres a big secret to it!)

  • :D

    I don’t know why everyone thinks your Japanese is bad. I think you’re really good :DD!

  • :D

    I don’t know why everyone thinks your Japanese is bad. I think you’re really good :DD!

  • Kendra

    i just stumbled onto this from youtube. I used to study Japanese- mostly, because growing up in the US i feel like an ignorant American- which in my opinion is the worst thing a person can be. I stopped studying it so i wouldn’t teach myself incorrectly, but i plan to learn the language fluently throughout college and my 20′s if possible so that some day I’ll be able to (possibly) live there (at the very least I’m moving to Europe after college, where it’s at least a little better).

    I’d just like to say that there is no need to apologize- America really IS that bad, I hate living here and I’m glad you have this website- it’s definitely a major help to my Japanese studies and very entertaining

  • Kendra

    i just stumbled onto this from youtube. I used to study Japanese- mostly, because growing up in the US i feel like an ignorant American- which in my opinion is the worst thing a person can be. I stopped studying it so i wouldn’t teach myself incorrectly, but i plan to learn the language fluently throughout college and my 20′s if possible so that some day I’ll be able to (possibly) live there (at the very least I’m moving to Europe after college, where it’s at least a little better).

    I’d just like to say that there is no need to apologize- America really IS that bad, I hate living here and I’m glad you have this website- it’s definitely a major help to my Japanese studies and very entertaining

  • Ryan

    well said koichi,

    after going to japan and visiting different prefectures…i would have to say, being humble is very important. japanese etiquette is very important. not only in the business world but at home, on the street, etc. i remember bumping into a yukazua once riding on a train from aichi-ken to osaka.

    this is how the story goes…my friend an i were having a great time, talking about my visit in nagoya. we laughed a lot and spoke out loud. then a bald guy with designer jeans, 2 cell phones, and a diesel shirt got up and was like…「うるせ～よおまえ！」 of course my friends and i kept quiet.

    after that man left, my friend told me that he was a yakuza…(you can tell by the rough accent and the rolling “r” )and that we aren’t in california anymore. with that said, i realized like you said, knowing how to speak japanese isn’t enough. if you are going to learn japanese, learn the culture as well and respect it. japan is a country with many wonderful people that are as humble as can be.

    soo….if u don’t want to get kid napped in japan or have anything bad happen to you…stay quiet on trains, subways, buses, and public bath houses (i don’t want to get too much into that). you are already a foreigner don’t stick out more than you already do =P.

  • Ryan

    well said koichi,

    after going to japan and visiting different prefectures…i would have to say, being humble is very important. japanese etiquette is very important. not only in the business world but at home, on the street, etc. i remember bumping into a yukazua once riding on a train from aichi-ken to osaka.

    this is how the story goes…my friend an i were having a great time, talking about my visit in nagoya. we laughed a lot and spoke out loud. then a bald guy with designer jeans, 2 cell phones, and a diesel shirt got up and was like…「うるせ～よおまえ！」 of course my friends and i kept quiet.

    after that man left, my friend told me that he was a yakuza…(you can tell by the rough accent and the rolling “r” )and that we aren’t in california anymore. with that said, i realized like you said, knowing how to speak japanese isn’t enough. if you are going to learn japanese, learn the culture as well and respect it. japan is a country with many wonderful people that are as humble as can be.

    soo….if u don’t want to get kid napped in japan or have anything bad happen to you…stay quiet on trains, subways, buses, and public bath houses (i don’t want to get too much into that). you are already a foreigner don’t stick out more than you already do =P.

  • Leigh

    So I’m curious…I don’t disagree with the blog entry (in fact I think that is well put and very true), but what is your take on being praised for getting something right. You can’t very well say something negative when you ask a friend (or whoever) about something…ie. Is this kanji pronounced… and if you get it right, what is the proper humble way to respond to, Wow! You’re right! You’re learning kanji so fast!

  • http://www.koichiben.com koichi

    @Leigh
    I would just say “no no, I’m not.”
    Even when you go out and completely deny something – it doesn’t mean that everyone else doesn’t know that you’re right.

    The hard one would be more black and white. Like the example you gave about getting a kanji right. It’s either right or it’s wrong. If you wrote a kanji correctly, and someone said, “yep, that’s right,” I would think the correct response would involve you being silent, not saying one way or another. Being neutral is the key in this situation. But, when there is more room, and the action in question is based off of someone’s opinion, it is best to deny, in order to be polite.

  • Leigh

    So I’m curious…I don’t disagree with the blog entry (in fact I think that is well put and very true), but what is your take on being praised for getting something right. You can’t very well say something negative when you ask a friend (or whoever) about something…ie. Is this kanji pronounced… and if you get it right, what is the proper humble way to respond to, Wow! You’re right! You’re learning kanji so fast!

  • http://www.koichiben.com koichi

    @Leigh
    I would just say “no no, I’m not.”
    Even when you go out and completely deny something – it doesn’t mean that everyone else doesn’t know that you’re right.

    The hard one would be more black and white. Like the example you gave about getting a kanji right. It’s either right or it’s wrong. If you wrote a kanji correctly, and someone said, “yep, that’s right,” I would think the correct response would involve you being silent, not saying one way or another. Being neutral is the key in this situation. But, when there is more room, and the action in question is based off of someone’s opinion, it is best to deny, in order to be polite.

  • Tyler

    This was actually supposed to be for the onw about marry’n Segata Sanshiro, but somehow it got up here. I think Segata Sanshiro is better than Chuck Norris.

  • Tyler

    This was actually supposed to be for the onw about marry’n Segata Sanshiro, but somehow it got up here. I think Segata Sanshiro is better than Chuck Norris.

  • thekaje

    「ありがたいんだ」 — LOL. Koichi, you like your んだ。

  • thekaje

    「ありがたいんだ」 — LOL. Koichi, you like your んだ。

  • japan-fan

    yeah
    i remember taking a japanese lesson and the teacher said that if you are told that you understand or speak well-you must never say yes, you can only say: domo arigatou gozaimasu
    or iyye, jozu jaarimasen
    thankyou for broadening my vocab

  • japan-fan

    yeah
    i remember taking a japanese lesson and the teacher said that if you are told that you understand or speak well-you must never say yes, you can only say: domo arigatou gozaimasu
    or iyye, jozu jaarimasen
    thankyou for broadening my vocab

  • http://southofreality.wordpress.com southofreality

    I use Japanese at work all the time and don’t expect my co-workers to compliment me on it, but sometimes they still do. I find that if I’m too humble or self-deprecating, the complimenters counter with more compliments.
    For my co-workers, my best response is usually something like:
    でも、直さなきゃいけないところが多いと思いますよ。
    もし、私はだめな日本語を言っちゃったら、直してくれませんか？
    お願いします。

    They usually just say はい。でも、my nameがだめな日本語を言うのは珍しいから大丈夫ですよ。
    Then, I just say でも、あるから、お願いします。

  • http://southofreality.wordpress.com southofreality

    I use Japanese at work all the time and don’t expect my co-workers to compliment me on it, but sometimes they still do. I find that if I’m too humble or self-deprecating, the complimenters counter with more compliments.
    For my co-workers, my best response is usually something like:
    でも、直さなきゃいけないところが多いと思いますよ。
    もし、私はだめな日本語を言っちゃったら、直してくれませんか？
    お願いします。

    They usually just say はい。でも、my nameがだめな日本語を言うのは珍しいから大丈夫ですよ。
    Then, I just say でも、あるから、お願いします。

  • Meg

    Oh my goodness, thank you for this blog entry. :) I’m trying to learn Japanese and culture is such an important part of the language used! I just started using Mixxer to meet some language partners and they can be very complimentary at times. I have a hard time knowing how to respond because in America I would just say “Aw, no way! Thanks I really appreciate it!” or something like that but I have NO IDEA what to say in Japanese.

    Actually I have a specific question about a certain type of compliment but I’m kind of embarrassed to mention it here. Maybe I’ll get up the courage later!

    Thanks for posting this! And I have to say, you’re totally adorable Koichi. :)

  • Meg

    Oh my goodness, thank you for this blog entry. :) I’m trying to learn Japanese and culture is such an important part of the language used! I just started using Mixxer to meet some language partners and they can be very complimentary at times. I have a hard time knowing how to respond because in America I would just say “Aw, no way! Thanks I really appreciate it!” or something like that but I have NO IDEA what to say in Japanese.

    Actually I have a specific question about a certain type of compliment but I’m kind of embarrassed to mention it here. Maybe I’ll get up the courage later!

    Thanks for posting this! And I have to say, you’re totally adorable Koichi. :)

  • Zoi

    Good article!

  • Zoi

    Good article!

  • Sougen02

    Humble = peace on earth
    8)

  • Sougen02

    Humble = peace on earth
    8)

  • Grant

    It seems a lot diferent form american colter
    t seems a lot like christian ides of being pies and morels
    a lot of people myself incloded have truble being humble

  • Grant

    It seems a lot diferent form american colter
    t seems a lot like christian ides of being pies and morels
    a lot of people myself incloded have truble being humble

  • http://twitter.com/deliporo Ingrid

    You are so cute!!! (In a non-weird way XD)

  • grotesk_faery

    As much as I hate overly cocky people, I do in some ways dislike this aspect of the culture. I’m a REALLY straightforward person and I don’t mind sticking out, and it annoys the crap out of me to have to say things that I don’t really mean and listen to people be dishonest, even if it’s for the sake of being polite. I understand that’s it’s really deeply ingrained in the culture and I do like the idea of experiencing the culture as completely as possible, but I would think it would be really difficult to actually connect with anyone and form any sort of relationship when I felt like they were constantly lying to me (even if it’s just in the form of being polite). This may not be true, I haven’t actually been to Japan yet, but it’s definitely something I’m sort of concerned about, because I don’t like feeling like I’m constantly being fake and trying to force myself into a mold that I very clearly don’t fit into.

  • Eydna

    Hello Koichiさん
    I just found out this blog, and this article (which is very nice !)
    I am French and I was trying to write on my blog about Japanese humility.
    I think humility is not one of the first thing we learn about Japan and I think we have to know it better to understand people’s mind and respect them better (sometimes, we don’t really realize that we can be rude even if we want to be respectful).
    At my very first time I came here, I wondered why people used to tell me how great my Japanese level was. My Japanese language is not good, even though I am in Japan and I have been here about 2 years, I have still a loooot of things to learn, we can never say that we master Japanese perfectly (or any other language besides our mother tongue I think).
    Sometimes, people ask me how many languages I speak, and I tell them, they often say 「すごいね」 but I feel to shy to reply.
    Thanks for the explanation. I will share this video if you don’t mind and post it on my next article.
    どうもうありがとうございました！
    http://eydna-oh.blogspot.jp/

  • Koichi no Tomodachi

    I thought I was your friend. :(

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