Hey ladies! Running out of ways to tell men “I’m available and easy”? Got a festering wound on your lower hip that needs to be aired out? Can’t think of a birthday gift for your great aunt Melba? Well, allow me to introduce you to the product of the unholy union of Brazil and Japan: Ultra Low-Rise Denim Bikini Pants (9,240 円, about $75)! Intrigued? Horrified? Bear with me.
These jeans aren’t held up with buttons or belts, but with two little strings and maybe some double-sided tape. The “bikini” portion stops just short of your woman (or man, if you’re extra-daring) parts, exposing a good third of your ass. What this means is that no real underwear can be worn with these pants… but if you’re the kind who would buy these, chances are good that you don’t wear underwear in the first place. Also, notice the zipper. It’s not in the front, as that would make too much sense, but on the side, allowing for an extra couple inches of visible skin.
Sadly, there are no pockets in these jeans, but no worries! Stuff a wad of cash in your bra and stick your car keys down next to your crotch–you’ll be good to go because you’re just that classy.
Is my absolute hatred of these jeans apparent yet?
Hopefully my sarcasm is as overtly blunt as I think it is, because honestly, Ultra Low-Rise Denim Bikini Pants are an affront to all woman-kind. If I saw a woman walking around in these I would punch her in the ovaries (which would be, conveniently, visible).
Picture Source: Sanna’s Brazil Fashion